Reason to Be
by WikketKrikket
Summary: Kyouya is dead and there's no denying it. There is no room for him in this world. In this world, a sister that he left behind, the youngest child of the Ootori, struggling to find her place in a world she never belonged to. OC/Tamaki/Haruhi/Hikaru
1. Pro: End

Prologue: The End

_In an instant all will vanish and we'll be alone once more, in the midst of nothingness..._

I climbed.

The earth was between my toes. Dry on top, baked by the days of sun it had enjoyed, but damp and spongy underneath from some forgotten rainfall. For the first time in my life, I wanted to run. I wanted nothing more than to run right to the top of that cliff and carry on going. Now I finally knew what to do. This was all I could do. Not just for him, but for Tamaki, too, and Haruhi, and to put the world back to rights. A life for a life.

"_This is it_," my phantom whispered in my mind, breathless with excitement. "_That's right. This way. This is your reason."_

Even standing there right at the top of the cliff, there wasn't much wind. A good omen. One more step, and the world would be how it should be. Without me in it.

_Down in the hole, lingeringly, the gravedigger puts on the forceps._


	2. One: Human

One: Human 

_I am not particularly human, but who cares?_

Ask anyone to describe me back then and you'd probably have gotten about the same answers. Kotoko Ootori, fourth child of the Ootori family, younger daughter. Seventeen years old. Pale skin and long, dark hair; a combination few people liked but the key ones did. Tall for a girl, tall enough to be forced into wearing flat shoes at all times, but not tall enough to be ridiculed for it. A figure that people _still _somehow seemed to be mistake as effortlessly attained. Eyes that, to most people, had been a lot nicer looking when I had worn contact lenses instead of glasses. And probably dating Tamaki Suoh.

Tamaki preferred the glasses. He said they brought out the unusual grey of my eyes. I thought they detracted from the too-sharp angles of my face. So the spectacles stayed, as did the long hair, the pale skin, and the floozy figure. Because few opinions mattered to me as much as his.

Now, before I'm mistaken for a love-sick Ouran-attending hormonally-rife teenager, I should remind people of my last name. The Ootori family to whom I belonged was a relic of the old ways, and to them appearance for everything. The expectations on my brothers to be the best in academics and intellect and business were weighty ones, but that was the way they were raised to believe they could serve our family. My sister and I had a different role to fulfil. Our greatest asset was our ability to bring children into this world, provide heirs for the families around us as their daughters provided for ours. A simple marriage could cement a business partnership in the way nothing else could. Politics, economics, business, and all things considered to be the men's world the women knew came down to one thing- sex. In the right place and at the right time, of course. Yes, it sickened me and there was something wrong with the way the world was.

But as my father once said to me, losers try to change the world. Winners merely use it.

Still, I never gave up hope that my life could still be a happy one. True, I paid attention in school in spite of myself and I liked to learn. Yes, I hoped that I could go further once I finished school, make a little more of myself before I was auctioned off as somebody's wife. I guess I hoped a little too much. I can pin-point the day that the rope binding the pieces of my life together began to fray. It was the day I learnt about my brother, the day I first saw the phantom, and the day I finally knew what became of inconvenience to my father's plans. I had never heard the name 'Kyouya' before.

First, however, we have to retrace the steps it took to come to that point. So, I was born to my parents and raised by their employees with little to make my childhood remarkable among any others of that time and class. When I was very young, I believed I could do and be anything, but I trusted my parents explicitly and they had my life planned out. I would attend Ouran while growing up, and when I was grown, a suitable husband would be found for me. It was all very simple. There was little choice, nothing to fight about, nothing to worry about, so my childhood was happy; or if not happy, at least straight-forward. On my first day of school, my father told me what he had told all my siblings before me- to make friends, because you never knew who could be valuable to us in the future. And so I came to calculate each person's relative worth on their social standing and behaved accordingly towards them. I'm sure many of my supposed friends of that time were doing exactly the same thing. That's the way the world was. That's all friendship was.

It was when I was fourteen that someone came into my life who saw things quite differently. This, of course, was Tamaki and 'came in' might be too polite a way to put it. It was closer to breaking and entering, in my opinion. I didn't care much for him at first. I only spoke to him because that morning, at breakfast, my father told me it would be worthwhile. To my mind, the illegitimate son of the puppet-head of a family we had been dealing with for years was not the most worthwhile cause in the world, so I planned to be civil enough and friendly enough but not put in too much effort. At that time, I was the class vice-president and knew as part of my duties, I would be required to show him around the school. That, with an empty promise of 'ask me if you need anything', I thought would be enough.

Yet Tamaki always did have a habit of acting outside of expectation. I expected the usual polite, meaningless, transparent small talk when we were introduced, but instead he took my hand, raised it to his lips, and kissed it.

"It warms my heart," he murmured to me. "To find such beauty at the end of my long journey."

My first reaction was to whip my hand away and call him a freak. As this was not very eloquent, however, I instead slipped my hand out of his grip, smiled slightly icily and said:

"That seems rather impertinent."

"You are the one who so rudely intruded on my heart." He replied, giving a lopsided smile that I thought meant he was joking but wasn't quite sure. "I apologise, Ootori-chan, if I offended you; but to take the comment back would be a lie."

"So you would not lie to keep a woman happy?" I asked, injecting annoyance into my voice and raising a warning eyebrow.

"Not when she blushed so nicely at the compliment." He answered, completely unphased by my play acting. "But enough of this! Let us see the school!"

After that, I never quite got rid of him. I couldn't push very hard without causing offence, and his family was an important partner. Plus, I could see from his constant sulks he was a temperamental kind of person so it would not take much to set him off. So I put up with his friendship and his flirting and his ridiculous tourist excursions and woke up one morning to find, to my dismay, that I couldn't do without it.

I hated him for that. No-one had _ever _made me care about them before.

"So." Fuyumi had said to me, later that day, for some reason getting all my clothes out of the drawers. "Do you love him?"

"I said, nee-chan, he annoys me to death. He's ridiculous and overdramatic and I have to take care of him all the time..." I paused, and then continued, grudgingly. "But he is kind, and funny if he means to be or not, and he _is _the heir to the Suoh family, illegitimate or not. I suppose it would make sense for me to love him."

"Hmm..." Fuyumi mused. "Does it make you jealous when he talks to other girls?"

"Honestly, you should see how seriously they take him. It's pretty hilarious."

"Does he make your heart pound?"

I snorted. "Would I be that stupid?"

"Then..." She paused now, a little concerned. "Why do you assume you love him?"

"It makes sense that I do." I repeated, mystified. I thought she would be squealing and hugging me by now, but this quiet reaction was not what I had expected.

"But you don't." She smiled a little sadly. "What you have made, Kotoko, is a friend."

"A friend?" I repeated.

"Yes." Fuyumi began trying to shove things back into my drawer. "But... it might help, if you could learn to love him."

She looked a little sad, then, and I knew what she was thinking of. She was to be married in just a few more days, to a man who was not cruel nor dislikeable, but whom she did not love. She wanted, so desperately, to know how to make herself love someone.

Myself, I didn't mind. This wasn't about love. It was business.

I hadn't read any more into Fuyumi's comment at the time, but I suppose she must have known something, because a few days later my father brought it up.

"You get on well with the Suoh boy, don't you?"

"Yes, father."

"Good. I should tell you, Kotoko, his grandmother is angling for an engagement between the two of you. So keep him happy."

"Of course, father."

It was a simple enough conversation that sealed my fate. I assume Tamaki must have had a similar conversation, because as we went to school together the next day, it was all very awkward. He asked me out, and, to keep him happy, I agreed.

Strangely, I found I didn't mind. It took some time to get used to his quirks and the constant attention, but he seemed to be enjoying myself and, honestly, so was I. I knew this had been partly, at least, contrived by our families, but it was nice to feel wanted all the same. He had a way of pushing our conversations in just the right ways to get me to open up to him. He once said he wanted to know everything about me. I found out that meant finding out a lot about myself too. But, none the less, we stayed together and my father was pleased. We'd been together almost a year when Tamaki approached me about his patently ridiculous idea.

"A host club?" I asked, unimpressed.

"Yes! It's a place where girls go to-"

"I know what one is." I said, calmly. "I just wondered why you thought this would be a good thing for us to do together."

He looked downcast. "But... I wanted you to do this with me. I _like _doing things with you."

I sighed. "Tamaki. You want me to help you run a host club."

"Yes!"

"Tamaki, let's do this slowly." I said, kindly as I could. "You want me, your girlfriend, to run a host club with you, my boyfriend, so you can flirt with other girls while I watch. It doesn't really seem like a suitable activity for a couple, does it?"

"But I couldn't do it without you there!" He said, shocked. "How could you ever trust me?!"

He wasn't getting it. This boy was dense. I considered changing to my 'sweet girl who's had her feelings hurt' trick, but it had been shelved since I was about ten and I always felt a bit pathetic doing it anyway. Besides, I was pretty sure I didn't need anything like that with Tamaki.

"Tamaki. Do you really think my _watching_ you flirt with other girls will make me feel good?"

"But we must do _something!_" He wailed. "They won't leave me alone! I want to be with you, Kotoko, but they won't leave me be until they get some attention!"

I smiled. Okay, it was convoluted and a bad idea, but in some way it was also rather... sweet. I considered kissing him, but then he had to open his mouth.

"Of course, who came blame them? They are like poor sunflowers, drawn to the sun of a handsome man whose light they so rarely see..."

I let him talk. Same old, same old. Still, maybe running a club wouldn't be a bad thing. It would be good practise for organising events and parties when I was older. And it would be something to do, some meaning in my life. Besides, Tamaki had been rather dominating my time, so surely this was the chance to form some ties with some new people?

"Fine." I said. "But I'm not wearing any costumes."

The latter would of course be proved incorrect, but Tamaki had more effective puppy-eyes then a six week old westie with a limp. No-one could really resist him, not if they wanted a quiet life. At least he had a good heart. In the wrong hands, such charisma could have lead to the end of the world. In Tamaki's case, he was a contradiction. His ego was the size of a planet and yet he seemed to have a heart to match. I didn't understand him, which was a new experience in itself. I was beginning to think I could quite happily stay with him for my life, taking his quirks as worth putting up with. I had taken Fuyumi's words to heart. I kept every silly little thing he gave me, I watched him and smiled for him and tried to pay as much attention to him as he did to me. I think it made him happy. As to whether I was falling in love, I couldn't tell.

Things changed on that front while I wasn't present. It was a few weeks into our second year, but already I had fallen foul of some sort of bug. Tamaki had seen me almost every day over the holiday, apart from the time my family and I were abroad and even then he called me every day. Judging by that, the phrase 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' was true. I could afford to miss a few days of school, or so I thought. Even then he would have come to visit me, if I'd let him. But there was no use him getting sick, so he had to make do with phone calls; when I was awake enough to converse.

It was on one such occasion I learnt of the new member of the club. The incessant jangling of my phone had woken me up, and I knew my blocked nose and sore throat would keep me up. Rolling over, I answered it.

"Hello?" I croaked.

"Koto, sweetheart, you sound terrible!" Tamaki wailed immediately. "Are you okay? How are you feeling? I'm coming over!"

"Tamaki." I said, as nicely as I could. "You're hurting my head. I'm fine, I just woke up."

"Ahhh, did I wake you? I'm so sorry, darling!"

"It's fine, it's fine." I answered, sitting up. "So, how's school? Did I miss much?"

"Yes! Oh, you would not believe it! You know I told you about Haruhi?"

"Oh, yes..." I tried to stifle my coughs. "You made him the Host Club dog, right?"

"Yes! But, as it turned out, he's a real hit with the ladies!"

"...Pardon?"

"Yes!" He said again. "I believe it is his commoner novelty! The twins smartened him up a bit and he has proved a hit!"

"Wait." My tired brain was sluggish. "You've made him a host? The scholarship student?"

"Precisely! It was his first day today, he's done a remarkable job! He's so cute, the girls love him! He almost seems like a girl himself..."

There was more irony in this statement than either of us knew at the time. To be honest, I had heard from the beginning that the scholarship student was a girl, but hadn't ever met her. Tamaki did while I was absent and, as it turned out, Haruhi was a boy. Or so we all still thought, at that point. At that point, I was more worried about Tamaki running the club single-handed in my absence. Yes, he was the president, but the truth was, I kept the place going. A new host? I was sceptical at best. I hung up as quickly as I could, determined to get some rest and get back to school. There was too much to catch up on already.

And so, before too long, the day came when I was back at school, and met her. She ruined everything, and saved us both. Of course, at that first meeting, I had been lead to believe she was a boy. Albeit one who looked like a girl.

"So, you're Kotoko-senpai?" Haruhi asked, smiling at me. "That was my mother's name, too."

I had heard about her mother, and coupled with that sad, heart-felt smile, even I didn't know what to say.

"Oooooh," The twins chorused. "Even Kotoko-senpai is blushing!"

"It must be Haru-chan's special technique!" Honey surmised.

"I am not blushing!" I snapped.

"Aha, Haruhi, you are a _natural_!" Tamaki crowed, hugging the aforementioned. "Even Kotoko, smart as she is, fell for it!"  
"You're the one who dressed me this way- let go." Haruhi answered. Reluctantly, Tamaki let go of her, and draped his arms around my shoulders instead.

"You see, Kotoko, my love, Haruhi is actually a woman!" He declared. "Were you fooled, hmm? Even I, with my inante knowledge of women, was deceived at first! However, even Haruhi could not hide it from me forever-"

"He walked in on her in a vest." The twins explained, cutting him off before he became even more insulting.

"I don't foresee any problems with the girls guessing..." I said, not unduly surprised at the announcement- to Tamaki's disappointment. "So, if you want to, Haruhi-chan, you are welcome to work as a host."

"Ah, thank you."

Things changed at the Host Club from then on. Everyone seemed to like Haruhi, even me. There was something endearing about her bluntness. Of course, even then I noticed how Tamaki treated her differently to all the other girls, differently to how he treated me. I figured at first it was because she was masquerading as a boy, he couldn't act how he normally did. But as the weeks passed, I would watch their friendship grow, and wonder what it would have been if I had not been present.

If I had not been present. Perhaps it was those kind of thoughts, lying sleeping in my brain, that created my phantom when the time came.

The time was a weekday morning, not so unlike any other. I had spent the usual time getting ready for school and was waiting in the entrance hall of my house for Tamaki to come and pick me up. In the dining room down the hall, my parents were arguing. This in itself was unusual, as my parent's arguments were usually 'who can be the most reasonable and exercise the most self-control' contests, but not unheard of. The topic, however, was not one I had heard before.

"There. She will make him a good wife." My father's voice came.

For a moment, my breath stopped. Was this it? Was I engaged now? Was it to Tamaki, or someone else?

But, as it turned out, it wasn't me. My older brother, the second son, was the one. He had just moved out of the family home. I should have worked out my father would want to find him a wife.

"Good in what way?" My mother asked, sounding uncharacteristically bitter. "In terms of how he will like her or of how much value she is to you?"

"I act for the benefit of this family, our children are glad to do the same."

"This family?! Don't you know we're missing one?!"

I was puzzled at that. The words were confusing, nor could I remember any occasion that my mother raised her voice. Missing one? Was this because my brother had so recently left? Or because I wasn't engaged, our pairs were incomplete?

Neither, as it turned out.

"Of course I know that, but I fail to see what good it does to remember."

"Don't you know what day it is?!"

"Of course I do, but I fail to see why it matters. It was time you let go. Kotoko lived, didn't she? Anyway, it would only have been miserable. What use have we for another son?"

"What use?! He was our _child, _and you...!"

"I suggest you don't finish that sentence."

"You killed him." She whispered. I wondered how I had heard, then realised I'd been unconsciously edging towards the door.

"I hope you don't believe that." My father said, coldly.

"If not killed, then let him die."

"The medicine did not work for him. It is as simple as that."

"Oh, yes, the failed medicine. Strange, that, given that Kotoko was much smaller and weaker than Kyouya ever was! You just wanted her as an extra resource to trade!"

"Quiet!" My father thundered. "That is the way the world works, accept it and stop this moping every time the anniversary comes around! You lost a baby, not a limb."

Anniversary? My mind was throbbing, but I was an Ootori. One thing I could do was piece fragments together. I had another brother? A twin, I would assume. My mother had called him Kyouya. And for some reason, he had died; while I had lived. Was this the anniversary of his death? But my- our- birthday had been just a few weeks ago, just before the start of term. He wouldn't have been three months old. Not even a quarter of a year.

I was as cold hearted as if my heart had been made out of snow in those days, with just a few patches of warmth. Had it not been for one line of my mother's reasoning, I would have dismissed this unknown brother as an interesting but ultimately unimportant fact. But my mother seemed to blame my father for his death. I suddenly wondered, would my father do something like that? Let nature take it's course because it suited his purposes better than what science would provide him with?

Possibly. Probably.

I knew I had to dismiss my mother's belief as a product of her grief and bitterness of that time. Even my father was not that cold-hearted.

But...

_You're being __ridiculous__, Kotoko. _I scolded myself. _When have you ever believed anything without your own proof?_

Yet... _What use have we for another son?; You just wanted her as an extra resource to trade!_

He hadn't denied it. Why hadn't he even pretended to deny it?

The bell rang, and I raced for the door. I tried to look unhurried as I greeted Tamaki and climbed into his car. Normally we'd converse, but today I reached straight into my bag and pulled out a book. I began to read, pointedly.

"Shakespeare?" He asked.

"Yes."

"Romeo and Juliet?" He asked, hopefully.

"Hamlet."

We lapsed into silence. There was nothing unusual about my reading Shakespeare, in fact, I was frequently found to be doing so. Seeing his plays was one of the things we often did together. His favourite was the Tempest, I preferred the drama and anger of Othello. Today, however, I was barely focusing on the words in front of me.

"...Do you want to talk about it?" He asked, knowing me too well to not realise something was bothering me.

"No."

"Alright."

We spent that journey, and the rest of the day, in near silence. He talked to Haruhi instead.

And, that night, I had the dream for the first time.

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A/N: And so, we start. I should probably confess right about now that I started writing this fic just before Christmas, so I reeeeeeeeeally don't remember what happens in the earlier chapters. That said, this fic is written to completion already, so updates should be regular; most likely Wednesday/Saturday. And _that _said, this fic is completely unlike any I've written before. It was fun!

Disclaimer for Ouran, obviously. Oh, yes, and the quotes at the beginning of the chapter are from Samuel Beckett's _Waiting for Godot_. I didn't like the play that much, and I certainly didn't agree with it's ideals, but, well... it leant itself to this story.

Also, on a random trivia note, this makes fifty fics I have posted. :D I should have a cake or something.

Thanks for reading!


	3. Two: Dreaming

Two: Dreaming

_Was I sleeping, while the others suffered? Am I sleeping now?_

It was a dream unlike any I had ever had before, and I can recall it vividly even now. I was in my bed, in my room, just as in reality. Unlike reality, the darkness was not so much a comforting velvet blanket as a net, trapping me, pinning me down, holding me in place. I was terrified enough before the phantom even appeared. I knew he was coming, I think that was why.

Inside the darkness were flashes of light. Inside the flashes was a face. I think I knew it, it wasn't so different to my own. Dark hair, and glasses, grey eyes. I knew him. Somehow, I knew him.

"Kyouya?"

He was alive. Somewhere. In another world. Did I have to find him?

"You shouldn't be here." A voice said, a cold voice, furious; I didn't know where it was coming from. I couldn't move to look. Was it coming from the darkness itself? "You shouldn't be here. He died so you could be here. You shouldn't be here. Is this why he died? Did he die so you could be here? He died so you could be here!"

The accusations continued, pinning me down, terrifying me. I managed to lift my head. There was a figure, cloaked, hood up, pointing a finger at me. The voice did not seem to come from him, it came from everywhere, the allegations overlapping and bouncing off the walls, showering into me, stabbing me from all sides.

"This is not how it is meant to be!" The voice bellowed, and I woke with a start, in my own room. My own shallow breathing was the only sound. That scared me more than anything. Never had I been so terrified at something conjured from my own imagination. When had a simple dream ever scared me so much?

Perhaps it was more than a dream.

I dismissed the thought quickly as stupid. Even so, all I could see was the face I had imagined to be my brother's. And those words. _You shouldn't be here..._

A maid interrupted my thoughts. "Ah, Miss Ootori!" She exclaimed. "Aren't you dressed yet? Suoh-kun is already downstairs waiting for you!"  
That made me snap out of my funk, as I pushed my glasses on and gawped at the clock. It was a good job we usually got to school early. How had I slept through my alarm _again_?

Tamaki was quietly amused when I made it downstairs. "Did you sleep through the alarm again, princess?" He asked. "My sleeping beauty. Perhaps I should kiss you..."

"I'm awake now." I pointed out. "And doesn't it have to be from your true love?"

"Let's find out." Tamaki suggested, and kissed me. I kept it brief. We were running late, after all. It was a shame, though. I needed something to distract me from the memories of my dream. It hung over me that day like a shadow. I told myself I was behaving no differently to usual, that I didn't seek comfort when he held my hand, but I knew I was. He probably knew too, probably thought it was still because of the argument I had overheard the previous day. I still hadn't told him the details. I wasn't sure I should.

At least there was plenty that day to distract me. First all my classes, and then the Host Club, and then, to my chagrin, a photo shoot. The twins had asked me weeks ago if I would be willing to model some outfits for their mother, and I had said no. I had continued to say no until my father found out and then I had to say yes. It would be good publicity, he said, and the Hitachiins were an important company, even if they were currently outside our line of interest. He claimed it couldn't hurt.

Thus, later that evening, I tried to stop my smiles looking like grimaces as I stood around in various outfits feeling silly. The twins had come down to watch, and, to my surprise, were directing most of my posing. I had banned Tamaki from coming, that would have been too embarrassed. I didn't really understand why I had been asked to do this anyway. I wasn't the prettiest girl at Ouran anyway. I suspected they wanted my name. Our business would benefit if the line did well and my face promoted them, but theirs would do well if our associates came to believe we got all our clothes from their company. In truth, all my formal evening dress had been made for me by the twin's mother and her team, so I suppose we did. I had another occasion coming up soon, and she had promised that my gown this time would be complimentary, plus I would be given roughly half the outfits I wore to the shoot, and I was even offered money which I had declined. I didn't need it, and to accept it would have looked bad.

It was, the twins assured me, only to be a short shoot; just pictures of the various ranges for the next catalogue. I'd asked them to avoid any posters or billboards and they had promised, but so shiftily I did not hold out much hope. I could only imagine how Tamaki would behave if he saw me on a billboard. I prayed it would never happen and tried to remember why I had agreed to it, and around that time, Tamaki had shown up.

"What are you doing here?" I demanded, noticing him sitting with the twins, looking enchanted though at that point I was only wearing a skirt/sweater combination very similar to those I wore outside of school anyway.

"So cold..." He whined, by way of reply. Suffice to say, that didn't really answer my question.

"He's here to help!" Kaoru told me, sensing my irritation.

"Yeah, we asked him to model too." Hikaru added.

"Why?" I asked, maintaining my usual poker face.

"His and Her range!" They chorused.

"Mom wanted the dynamic of a real couple." Kaoru said, shrugging.

"That's why we asked you two. You're always all lovey-dovey, right?" Hikaru mimicked his brother's shrug.

Ah, so this was why I- we- had been chosen. Because our relationship looked good on camera.

I remember, even now, that somehow the comment had hurt. Perhaps it was what really triggered my following reactions. More likely, however, it was the water that had been heating up for weeks was finally boiling over. Ever since Haruhi had came to the Host Club, and I saw how Tamaki came to watch her more than me, was more... himself then he ever was with me. I had watched how Tamaki had brought together such a group of individuals, including myself, helped us all in some way or another, and now Haruhi seemed to be doing the same. And she was doing it for Tamaki in a way I knew I never could. I had money and status and the approval of his family. I knew, if in some parallel world he was with her instead, she would have none of those things. And he wouldn't care.

I also knew Haruhi well enough. She was not at Ouran to make rich and powerful friends, and nor would she use Tamaki to those ends. She was at Ouran to achieve her ambition, to make something of herself. I admired that, but it made me ashamed.

Admiration and aspiration and to be ashamed. I was a confused swirl of emotion at that time, made all the worse by the conversation overheard and the dream of the night before. I remembered what I had said to Fuyumi all those years ago, that it would make sense if I loved him. I was trying to love him. Perhaps I did. Is that what made it so hard to realise it was little more than a facade?

I doubted Tamaki thought so. No doubt he thought he was irrevocably in love with me. We were young and foolish and we didn't even know what love was, lest of all me. Perhaps I was entirely wrong.

Love was not something I had devoted a great deal of thought to until Haruhi had arrived. Marriage and relationships of any sort were all to do with business, love and care and genuine affection would be pleasant bonuses for the lucky few. Tamaki, with his opinion on love making the world go round had gradually eroded mine. Still, I hadn't thought about it too much. Until Haruhi.

And now Hikaru, making some casual comment that I somehow came to be analysing to death. I didn't have room in my brain to think about this right now. It was still too occupied with the dream, and my brother, and my father's part in his death. So I pushed the thoughts away and posed, with Tamaki, next to him, in his arms, and all the rest. Nothing to worry about. Until the final demand. We were dressed in formal evening wear, on top of a set piece designed to look like stone steps up to a posh building. For the other shots, it had been simple, his arm at my waist or my holding his elbow.

"Could you kiss her?" The photographer asked. "It'd be a nice one to finish."

"Ah, yes." Tamaki said, nodding. He turned to me, drew me closer. I was going to go along with it. But it only seemed to reinforce what I had thought earlier. And the idea of everyone seeing us kissing in a photograph... it was so cheap.

I was not cheap. I pushed him away. Tamaki looked at me questioningly.

"No, we're done." I said, firmly. "That's enough." I turned and began to balance my way down the steps. At least I was experienced in heels.

"Aww, Kotoko-senpai..." the twins whined. "One more wouldn't hurt."

"Yes," I said, glaring. "It would." They flinched away from my anger. I walked briskly, knowing without any sight or sound needed to confirm it, that Tamaki would be following me. I locked myself in the small changing cubicle, located my own clothes, and changed back into them. I was beginning to wonder if I had overreacted somehow. I didn't think so. I had been as cold and as unemotional as I needed to be. But I had to be firm. Just imagining what would have happened if my father's associates had seen pictures of us kissing made my insides squirm. It would give out totally the opposite impression of the one we intended to.

It occurred to me then that I really was using this situation, using him by extension, and some deep place within me was disgusted. I was just glad I had drawn the line somewhere. But even that had been for no reason deeper than saving my own skin.

This had to stop. I knew it. The dream had confirmed something, somehow.

If my brother really had died for me to live, it shouldn't have been for a life like this. What had it been reduced to, really? At first I had clung to Tamaki because he was a friend, more than a friend, and he had made me feel, somehow, with his idolised view of the world and of me that perhaps I could be something better than I was. But everyday I was with him, and everyday I saw him with Haruhi, I was more jealous, and more calculating of how to keep hold of him. But why should I, when our relationship was so clearly for show?

But he didn't have to remind me by trying to ham it up for the camera. I opened the cubicle door, deliberately not looking to either side, knowing Tamaki would be waiting anxiously for me. I hadn't managed to take a second step before his had was tentatively on my arm.

"Kotoko..." He said, slowly. He switched to French, as he frequently did when we were having a conversation he considered more intimate. Literature, or more specifically plays, had always been my passion; but access to them had been tempered by language. Like most educated children, I was expected to be proficient in at least English; but I had gone further. I had Russian and Latin more-or-less managed, and since being with Tamaki had brushed up considerably on my French. It was useful, when he was trying to be romantic. Today it would be useful whilst we argued. "Kotoko, _my love. What's the matter?"_

_"You wanted me to kiss you for the camera."_

_"I didn't think you'd mind... I'm afraid I don't understand. Unless..." _ He seemed almost as upset as I was. "_You're ashamed of our love?"_

_"The problem here is that _ you _have no shame!" _ I immediately flared up. "_When did 'our love' become a show?!"_

"_What?"_

_"A show, Tamaki, to be judged and applauded according to the realism of the performance!" _ I spat the words at him, switching back to Japanese so I could talk faster, stop him interrupting. "Even this thing with speaking French! Is it supposed to be ours? It is spoken by people _around _the world! Or didn't you notice, when you lived in a country full of it?"

"Sweetheart..." He tried to sooth me, looking troubled now. "What is the matter? What's all this about, hmm?"

His calmness irked me, and I just wanted to shout more. Yet the Ootori training was reasserting itself, the mask was sliding back on. I forced myself to lower my voice, though I did not yet have enough self-control to stop myself injecting venom into every syllable I could. "Tamaki, don't you ever think our relationship, this whole thing, is rather orchestrated?"

"What? I don't understand. Darling, I think-"

"That's exactly it." I interrupted him, back in control of myself fully now. "Don't you see it? Take all these pet names. Are they for me? I never asked for them. Or are they so people will hear you say them and talk amongst themselves about what a perfect couple we are? And all these other things. The kissing, and being chosen because we were a couple, the way we speak and behave, the way you... the way you are with me. Don't you ever think it's almost... a sham?"

"What?!" He shouted, immediately pulling me close. "Oh no! Oh, don't say that! Don't ever say that! Don't you dare even _think_ that!"

"But..." I struggled, and pulled away. "It's true, isn't it? It's all so planned, so structured, so

constructed. When it comes down to it, would you have chosen me?"

Tamaki was silent for a long time. I thought he was finally thinking about it. Maybe he would finally realise, get over whatever twisted sense of duty he felt towards me. Maybe this was it between us. Maybe he would realise how selfish my reasons for being with him were. Reasons that began as business, reasons now that even I couldn't identify. He made me feel better about myself, perhaps. But he made me feel worse, too. I didn't know what to do. I needed him, but... he would be better off without me? No, not as such. I wasn't that depressed just yet, not at that time. More that he was too good for me, I suppose. A sun that illuminated me just enough to show the dirt.

Still. My heart wrenched at the idea of losing him. It took all my self control not to hold him tight.

"...This is about the Host Club, isn't it?" He asked, softly. "Well, don't you worry! I'll quit, okay?! I'll never take another customer! I'll-!"

"What?!" I demanded. "You love the Host Club, don't be stupid."

"_It was never my intention to hurt you_." He whispered tenderly, switching back to his mother tongue and putting his hand to my cheek. "_I'll leave, alright? I'm sorry..."_

"That's not what this is about." I told him. "This is about you wanting to cheapen our relationship by-"

"Ssh."He answered. "It's okay. I won't give you any more reason to doubt, okay? I'll stop taking customers. But... it was all acting, you know that, don't you? _There's only you."_

That tore it. I pushed him away.

"That's not what this is about! I don't care about the Host Club girls! Goodness knows you only treat them the same way you treat me!"

"W-what? Then-"

"Tamaki, you're in love with H- someone else!" I said, frustrated.

That seemed to floor him. He mouthed wordlessly at me, not able to even stammer an answer. To him, it had come completely from nowhere.

"T-that's stupid!" He stammered eventually. "Is that what's really bothering you? Kotoko, darling, I don't like anyone else! I like _you_!"

"No," I sighed. "You don't. You love someone else; or if you don't, you will someday." With that, I turned to walk away. He caught my arm.

"Sweetheart, wait, I-!"

"Tamaki." I said, pulling my arm away. "Just leave it, okay? I'm tired of this... facade of a relationship."

"No!" He shouted. "Koto, I love you! You only said someday! Okay? I promise that day won't ever come! I promise! Please, I promise."

"You... can't promise that." I relented. "You won't... you won't be able to keep to it."

"Yes, I will." He said, firmly, putting his hand to my face. He pulled me closer, intending to kiss me, but that just reminded me of what had triggered all this to begin with. I slapped him away in annoyance.

"Arrgh," I complained. "You just don't get it, Tamaki."

This time, I really did walk away.

"Kotoko, at least let me take you home! You know there are thugs out on the street!"

I didn't so much as turn to look back. I wish I had. But I didn't. Because I knew if I allowed myself to see the expression that must have been on his face just then, it would have been burned in my memory forever.

I still remember, even now, when so much more of consequence has happened, when I have lost so much more and been through so much more, how the air felt when I stepped out that day. It was cold, but not so cold. I would soon get warm, walking. Besides, there was a lot of cloud cover, the underbellies turned orange by the street lamps. The air would be close, too. It would be warm; which was good, because I was feeling rather cold inside. I felt chilled at the uncertainty of my future. Tamaki and I had not had anything beyond a petty squabble before. I began to wonder if I had gone too far. If Tamaki broke up with me, what would my father say? Would the family stop dealing with us? Tamaki's father liked me, but if I hurt his beloved son... then again, his grandmother was the one who really ran the company and she hated Tamaki. She'd probably want to give me a medal.

Life would have been so much better all round if it had been my brother who had lived. He wouldn't be in this mess of a situation. However, life was not made on what ifs, lessons could not be learnt from them; I was here and my brother was not, even if the dream would have me believe it should have been the other way around. Determined, I quickened my pace, thinking that if I did not move quickly Tamaki would pull the car up next to me and insist I had a lift. I didn't want to be anywhere near him. He confused me.

The men watching me took the increase in my pace as a sign that I had noticed them. And I should have noticed them. To this day I couldn't say how I didn't. Yet, for whatever reason, the first I knew of them was the hand across my mouth and my back being pressed against the fence of the building we had been conducting the photo shoot in. If I screamed, surely someone would hear me?

But I couldn't. I couldn't think as far as screaming. Tamaki's words came back to me: "There are thugs out of the street".

I just hoped they only intended to rob me. I could feel someone checking through my pockets. Two men, one on either side, and the man in front, holding onto me. His face was in shadow, the orange light glancing over the top of his head. I wondered what expression his face carried at this moment.

Then I wondered why on earth I was thinking about such a thing and consented instead to struggling. I pushed and kicked and bit, but it didn't seem to make any difference. He strained slightly to hold me back, the others had to assist to stop me getting a limb free, but that was all.

"Just leave it!" One said. "She's not carrying anything."

"No," the big one, the one holding me, said. I could hear the sneer in his voice. His words seemed to come slowly. "I think this filly needs breaking in. I have just the stallion to do it."

That was the moment when fear uncurled in my stomach. In an instant it was thrashing desperately about, clawing and wrenching, trying to get out. I wanted to be sick. I fought harder. At least, if I struggled, he would have a hard time holding me and undoing his zip-

He fell away, as if dragged by a storm fuelled tide. In actuality, it was Tamaki's hand on his collar. In an instant Tamaki had him pinned to the fence, did not wait for the usual banter, just punched him twice in the stomach, kneed him in the groin, and left him on the floor. He grabbed my arm in a vice-like grip, marched straight past the other two guys, shoved me in the car and slammed the door. The whole interlude must have been less than five seconds.

I watched Tamaki as the car sped away. He looked straight ahead, eyes boring into the board that separated us from the driver. His fists clenched open and shut, he hardly blinked. I wondered what I should do. I went to touch his hand, but I remembered I was still mad. It was easier than thinking about what had almost happened.

"...Are you hurt?" He asked, eventually.

I shook my head. He stared at me for a long moment, trying to ascertain if I was telling the truth. Apparently satisfied, he turned back to face the front and did not say another word. Time passed, and we pulled up outside my house. Safe. Tamaki got out of the car, came round and opened the door for me, and accompanied me up to the front door. I wondered how long I had before I was lectured half to death. We were shown in and he quietly requested that we could see my father. I wondered what he was up to, but I didn't dare ask. I just stood next to him, not too close, and waited. I couldn't even think. Perhaps I was in shock. Whatever it was, at least it stopped me arguing.

My father received us despite the fact it really was getting late. Apparently I had been standing around like an idiot posing for photos for longer than I had imagined. I knelt next to Tamaki, and kept my eyes on the floor. He had arranged this meeting, he could deal with it.

"To what do I owe the pleasure, Tamaki-kun?" He asked, sounding mildly displeased.

"Kotoko..." he began, sounding upset. "Kotoko was attacked tonight. I got there before they could... could... see their plans through, but... they...!"

There was a long silence.

"I see." My father said, eventually, his voice level. "And weren't you supposed to be looking after her?"

My head snapped up at that. Surely he wasn't trying to pin this on Tamaki?

"I..." Tamaki stammered, then suddenly bowed. "I'm very sorry, sir. When I think what might have happened-!"

"It's not his fault!" I interrupted. I realised it was the first thing I'd said since it had happened. "I am not his responsibility! I went off on my own, he tried to warn me-!"

"That's as may be." My father stopped me simply by raising his hand. "But it's happened, and you're alright, so might I suggest we all get some sleep? I'm sure they are worried about you at home, Tamaki-kun."

"I would rather stay." Tamaki insisted. This obviously was important to him, if he would stand up to that tone from my father. "I... want to make sure Kotoko is alright."

"Hmmph." was the only response. Tamaki decided to take that as a blessing, and grabbing hold of my hand, lead me from the room. He didn't look at me, but he didn't let go either, slamming into my bedroom. We left the door open, as per the house rules when I had male company. After the day's events, I finally understood why.

"Tamaki-" I started.

"Go and get changed." He replied, flatly.

"With you standing right there and the door open?" I asked, raising my eyebrows at him.

"No, in the bathroom." He said, voice verging on annoyance. I stood my ground.

"No. Not while you're still here." I said. "Just go home!"

"No!" He said, just as firmly.

"What exactly are you waiting for?" I said, in frustration. "I'm grateful, okay? So if it's just thanks you wanted, you can leave!"

He didn't deserve that. We both knew it. He looked at me for a long moment, and I couldn't hold his gaze.

I wish I had never had that dream. Perhaps then my mask would never have slipped.

"I... just wanted to make sure you were able to sleep." He said, quietly. "I'll go."

He left, pulling the door shut behind him. I went and got ready for bed, trying not to think about the day's events. But in the dark, and the quiet, with no company other than my thoughts, they came unbidden.

_You shouldn't be here..._

That dream. My brother.

_You shouldn't be here..._

Had my father allowed him to die? Surely not. Surely I had wasted enough time thinking about it today.

_He died so you could be here..._

I had been so preoccupied, I had been cold to Tamaki. He didn't deserve it.

_You shouldn't be here..._

Did I want him to realise he wasn't in love with me? I was too much a coward for that. Without Tamaki, my future would be cast back into doubt. But was that better, or worse?

I didn't know any more.

_Is this why he died...?_

I liked Tamaki, didn't I? Hadn't I made myself love him? So why I had I gone off at him like that?

_Did he die so you could be here...?_

He had deserved it. I was so tired of being nothing but a pretty face, with no duty other than looking pretty. I didn't have to try in school because I would probably never work a day in my life. That was my responsibility, my lot in life. I had to fulfil it. But didn't he know it would hurt to have our relationship shown off like some kind of medal? If lots of people saw it in a catalogue, would it make it more real for Tamaki?

_He died so you could be here...!_

How long was it until he realised I wasn't what he wanted?

More to the point, was this what I wanted?

In the darkness, I couldn't answer. These thoughts swirled through my mind, blowing through it like the winds of a storm. Tamaki, and Haruhi, and the future, and my brother, and my father, and those awful men, the look in his eye, the fact I couldn't push him off...

You had to use what you had. I had always managed to charm and flatter and barter any situation until it suited my own purposes. But not today.

Tonight, for the first time, I felt powerless. I didn't like it very much. Tamaki had been right. I didn't get much sleep that night. I cried instead, for the first time in years, in fear and shock and despair. And when I did at last shut my eyes, I dreamt of my brother.

I saw him so clearly that night, in a room lit only by flashes of lightning. One blasted into all the corners of the room, over pale skin. He was shirtless, hanging over the bed. There was a girl there, below him, looking up without fear. I realised with a jolt it was Haruhi.

Did _everyone _have to like her more than me?

Maybe that was why, I thought. I took my brother from her, so now she's taking Tamaki instead. Is that what went wrong?

But no, it wasn't, it wasn't like that. There was another voice present inside my head. I knew it. I could feel it as he suppressed the thoughts, tried not to think about what he was doing, hoping she wouldn't call his bluff.

_She knows what I'm doing. Will this girl never learn her lesson?_

There was a feeling of disappointment, too. That she didn't take him seriously. That she didn't think he was capable of loving. There was a thought he would not allow himself to think, was he so cold he could not love if he wanted to?

I was hearing his thoughts, feeling what he was feeling. This was certainly interesting. Bizarrely, it didn't feel as unnatural as it should have done. If I could see another world in my dreams, why shouldn't I hear his thoughts?

Surely it was just a dream, a life conjured up for a wisp on the breeze, grown from my feelings of guilt. Perhaps in some parallel world he had survived, but that was a world forever cut off from me; and I doubted such a thing existed. We are bound by the past, we can only change the future. My brother had died as a baby. These images were nothing but illusions.

"He is real!"

There came the shouting, angry voice; the lightning flashed and the room disappeared. Standing before me now was just the darkened, cowed figure of the phantom. "He is real." He said, his voice softer and silkier. I flinched at the tone, it was too much like my father's cold rage. "He is real, or he should have been. He should have lived and breathed and felt and learnt and made mistakes and missed chances and grabbed this life with his two hands. But he didn't."

I wanted to run. I didn't want to hear this. But my legs, if I had them, were rooted to the spot.

"You did." The phantom whispered. "You see each new day, you breathe!"

"And... feel, and learn and..." I prompted, feeling dread dragging me down like a lead weight. "And live."

A short, sharp laugh was his only reply.

I woke up to a grey dawn. The light grew brighter. My prospects did not.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

A/N: And so, the end of the chapter. Poor Kotoko, her decent into madness begins here! Disclaimers still stand. Really, she should be into Beckett instead of Shakespeare, right?

On a note of random trivia, the scene where Tamaki says "At least let me take you home" reminds me of the bit in _Legally Blonde_. I don't think Kotoko would be persuaded by shoes, though.

Next chapter, Tamaki tries to make it up to Kotoko; but will he manage it or is it over? Kotoko has bigger things to worry about anyway as she asks her mom about what exactly happened to her brother…


	4. Three: Tomorrow

Three: Tomorrow

_Tomorrow, when I wake, or think I do, what shall I say of today?_

It was a dark week for us. After the argument over the kiss for the photographer, and all that followed, we were uncertain as to what to do. We hadn't broken up, as such, but nor were we together. Every morning in the car we had sat and looked out of opposite windows. Class was a good distraction from awkward conversations. At lunch, we barely said a word. I don't know if he was waiting for an apology. I thought about offering one. But that would have involved taking back what I had said, and I couldn't. I didn't dare try to believe he loved me as much as he thought he did.

Tamaki had no such qualms. He was so sure of his feelings in those days. He was so sure he loved me, and he missed our easy conversation in that week. What he did not know was that I missed it too. As far as he knew, I was still angry over the incident when we were modelling for the Hitachiins, and that was all that was bothering me. The truth of it was, I wasn't sure what I wanted or what I should do. I hadn't been able to fight the men off myself.

It was Tamaki who decided things couldn't go on in such a way between us. I can imagine the day, almost at the end of the week, a Thursday, when he came to this conclusion. I had left early, unable to stand attending the Host Club and listening to the usual acts. Seeing how well 'forbidden love' sold for the twins, we had adopted an angle in which Tamaki and I were unsure of ourselves and our relationship, where Tamaki, who did not know what love was, was looking for it at the club; knowing if he found it he could not be with her for the sake of being with me.

I was in no mood to play that day. It was a little too close to the truth for comfort. So, Tamaki and the others were at the club without me that day.

"Hey, Tono..." Kaoru said, tentatively as they were tidying up at the end. "Is... Kotoko-senpai ill or something?"

"No." Tamaki sighed despondently. "I... She said she didn't want to come today. She must hate me..."

"Ehhh? Tama-chan!" Honey cried. "Really? But that's terrible!"

"She doesn't hate him!" Haruhi snapped, suddenly joining the conversation. "Tamaki-senpai, if she hated you, she would have broken up with you by now, wouldn't she?"

"I... I don't-"

"You just had an argument." Haruhi said, forcing herself to smile. "It's not worth breaking up over. You l-love her, don't you?"

No-one would have noticed the falter in her voice. Poor Haruhi. She wore a mask just as much as the rest of us did. Pretending to love or pretending not to. It was all the same, really.

"Yes!" Tamaki said, without hesitation.

"Then you can't just give up." Haruhi instructed. "Just apologise for trying to kiss her in front of the camera."

"But..." Tamaki floundered. "I... That wasn't all of it. She thinks I like someone else!"

"What?!" The twins said together. "That's stupid!"

"Tama-chan always likes Koko-chan the best..." Honey said, slowly.

"That's not what she thinks." Tamaki sighed, sadly.

"Then you have to show her." Kaoru said simply, shrugging.

"W-what?"

"It's easy." Hikaru told him, smiling. "When you take her home tomorrow..."

"You walk her to the door..."

"And kiss her passionately!" The twins finished together, giving him a thumbs up. "You can't fail!"

Tamaki flushed at this. The truth was, he hadn't hugged me in the last week, let alone the kind of make-out they seemed to be suggesting. He was worried I would push him away. At that point, I wasn't sure if I'd have let him or not. "B-b-but...! What if she's so mad she doesn't want me to?!"

"She'll forgive you!" They chanted. "Come on, Tono, won't it be romantic?"

And with that magic word, they clinched it. Tamaki resolved to do as they said, and spent the entirety of the next day in the silence we were becoming accustomed too, fidgeting nervously. When I said I would be skipping the club again, he said he would take me home. I was tempted to argue, or stay at the club- knowing if we were both absent we would be even more talked about than our apparent estrangement was already- but I was too proud to do so. I let him take me home, imagining that he wanted to talk. When he didn't speak to me in the car, I began to get uneasy. When he went to walk me to the door, something he hadn't done for days, I figured this was it, and turned to face him.

It was 'it', but not quite what I had imagined. I expected a 'can we talk' moment. I didn't expect him to quite suddenly reach out and hook an arm around my waist. He drew me close, and I got the answer to my question. I went to push him off, I wasn't ready to kiss him just yet. Not until we talked things over, not until he understood that this wasn't what I wanted. Our relationship was like a screen door, it served it's function but it was paper thin and opened onto nothing more than an empty room. I tried to push him away, but he misinterpreted it or didn't care, because he just held me tighter, bent me over like he so often did with the girls at the Host Club, his patented 'dip' technique.

I couldn't believe it. He was dipping _me_? We were becoming more false than ever.

"Tamaki-" I started, but was rudely interrupted by his lips slamming down on mine. This was not like his usual gentle kisses, not like his usual tenderness. This was rough and wrong and forced and desperate. I tried to push him away, he pushed harder. That was enough. I wrestled a hand free, and slapped him as hard as I could given my current situation.

He loosened his grip, and I straightened up. I hit him again. He must have seen it coming, but he let me do it, and I felt nothing but satisfaction at that time when his head snapped back. When he looked at me, I could see regret and something else in them. I didn't wait to find out. I pushed the door open, and I almost got through.

"Kotoko..." He said, quietly. "I... I just... I'm so so-"

"Save it!" I snapped. "I don't want to hear it!"

"But... I... I'm..."

"You forced yourself on me! Just like those men before!" I shouted. "You're... you're as bad as they are!"

With that, I slammed the door. I think my words hurt him more than the slap had. I heard the dull thud as he sank down against the door, sitting on the step. I didn't open the door again, opting instead to run towards the stair case.

"Kotoko-sama!" One of the maids called out. "Your mother-!"

I ignored her, ran upstairs, into my room, and slammed the door. I changed my clothes, all my movements sharp and jerking. Why had he _done _that? At the time, I couldn't even begin to guess what he was thinking. It just seemed insensitive, and made me feel like I was cheap. Did he think I could forget everything with a kiss? Was his ego _that _huge, or did he just not understand me?

I was mad. So angry. I wasn't sure the slamming door in his face had made it clear enough, so I sent him a text. Two words:

"That's enough".

I turned my phone off. I was in no mood to see how he replied, if he even could. I didn't want to hear explanations or apologies at the moment. I sat down on the edge of my bed and, abruptly, felt the anger draining out of me and through the bed clothes. I rubbed my forehead with my free hand, but it didn't help my thoughts. I was beginning to feel that things were slipping out of my control, but there was nothing I could do to hold onto them. What was I supposed to do?

Not break up with Tamaki, for one thing. I wasn't sure why I had done it. I had been so angry.

But my future lay in marriage. If not with him, then who? I couldn't help feeling I had just thrown my 'purpose' away. I might have been an overdramatic teenager, but that afternoon in my room, I felt as if I had just thrown my life away. Into a dark pit with no sign of where the bottom might be or what it would be like when I got there. The best I could hope for was that I would somehow land on my feet.

There was a knock on my door, but it opened without waiting for an answer. I had to blink to make sure I was seeing correctly. I couldn't remember the last time my mother had come to my room. I wasn't even sure she ever had.

"Mother," I greeted her, immediately getting to my feet. My mother was not as strict as my father, but I still needed to be polite. I couldn't say we were close; we hardly knew each other. I think we paid only slightly more attention to each other than we would a fly on a wall. My mother assisted when choosing dresses and fabrics, was present when people paid us a formal visit, but in general, I saw little of her. She was quiet and reserved most of the time, didn't care for the business parties we were forced to frequent. Generally my siblings and I were the ones to accompany my father. She spent her time instead buried in books. I looked like my father, but if a love of literature was genetic, I had inherited it from her. People also said I had inherited her regal grace, but I wondered if they had ever seen us together. My mother seemed to float instead of walk, whereas I was most definitely grounded. She had been the eldest daughter of her family, I was the youngest child. We were as different as I think it was possible for any mother and offspring to be.

"Kotoko." She frowned, settling herself on the settee in the bottom of my room. "I asked for you to come. I don't expect to have to chase you up here myself."

"I'm sorry, mother, I..." I sought out words to explain. "I didn't hear the maid."

"Hmm." My mother replied, entwining her fingers. "Well, I've sent for tea. It's time you and I had a chat. Sit down."

I came and sat next to her, wondering if she somehow knew what had happened. I waited for her to speak.

"Your father," She began. "Has arranged for you to meet a suitor on Sunday."

I was surprised. I had assumed, as I think everyone had, that before too long I would be engaged to Tamaki. Indeed, it was customary for most of the girls at Ouran to be engaged during the second year and certainly in the third; I had expected it to be him, and my father's rage to crash down on me when he discovered I had ruined those plans. Yet it seemed I was to meet other candidates. It made my skin crawl to think about it. "Oh." I answered, to show I was listening. I didn't know how respond.

"I would recommend you don't mention Tamaki-kun to him." My mother instructed. "Or mention him to Tamaki-kun, if you think it will upset him."

"It's nothing to do with him." I answered. "Not any more, anyway."

"And why might that be?" She asked, but did not wait for an answer. "The maid said you seemed upset. What did you do? He always seemed the forgiving sort, you must have some talent to make him that angry..."

"No, I..." I swallowed slightly, suddenly nervous about admitting it. "I ended it with him."

There was a long silence as my mother gazed steadily at me. Just then the maid brought our tea in, and the pause got even longer.

"I see. And what did he do to deserve such treatment?"

"I was beginning to feel our relationship was only for show. Certainly he tried to kiss me at that stupid photoshoot the other day; and he forced himself onto me just now."

"And what did he do to deserve it?" My mother asked again, and then sighed. "Kotoko, please. What exactly are you expecting? At least Tamaki-kun loves you. Few people can boast even that much."

"I don't think he does, Mother."

"Then he at least thinks he does, or wants you to." She sipped at her tea. "Love is not in your future, Kotoko."

"I know, mother." I frowned. "This isn't about love, it's just that-"

"Your job, Kotoko, is to lie back and keep him satisfied. Your brothers keep the company going in the short term, you have to provide those who will take it up in the future." She sighed bitterly.

"Surely my brothers' children will inherit."

"Indeed. But your children will inherit another company."

"Unless they're girls."

"I did hope..." She said, quietly. "That there would be something better for your daughters."

I did not really know how to reply to that. This was the first I'd seen any indication from my mother that perhaps she was dissatisfied with her lot. I didn't quite know what to do about it.

"What's done is done." She said, suddenly. "We will just have to hope things go well with this young man your father has arranged for you to meet. Don't hope for love, Kotoko, focus on the good you can do for this family. Love is for maids. We sold our right to love in exchange for our wealth."

I think she would have left then, as she stood- though it was so elegant, it was more like she unfolded herself somehow- but I found myself speaking to halt her.

"Mother, would you... tell me about my brother?"

She sat back down, raising her eyebrows slightly. "And which brother might you be referring to?"

"My twin, mother."

She said nothing for a moment, not even asking how I knew. She settled herself, poured herself another cup of tea, and with no further prompting, started to tell me. I was surprised at the time how readily she volunteered the information.

"We called him Kyouya." She began. "Your name went with his, but he was the elder of you both and slightly bigger than you were. He was the healthier of you both. I thought, this boy, he was never born to be a third son. Of course, as it turned out, he was born for no reason at all; but... we weren't to know that at the time. You were such a fine set of twins, we were proud. We weren't sure what role he would fulfil, with your brothers already born, but I at least thought he would exceed what a third son should be. That must seem strange to you, when he was only a baby. But... you can tell a lot within the first few weeks, you'll soon see I'm sure. I was curious to see what he would be like when he grew up. I had such high hopes for him..."

"I can't argue he was any kind of exceptional baby, that he was walking at a week and talking at a month. He was... much like any other child, I suppose. I had high hopes for you both, but especially for him. Your father... didn't. I don't think he thought much would ever happen for his third son. A suitable position underneath his brothers, nothing more. You were easier, of course, because any number of eligible partners had been born in and around that time. That was fairly set before you were even born. You have to realise any number of daughters can be arranged for one way or another. No-one quite knew what exactly we would do with a third son. I was determined he would do something worthwhile, not just a show position. Your father was not so sure that would be possible."

"Even so, it remained to be seen. You must have been about seven weeks old when the nursemaid asked us to send for a doctor. She'd been telling us for some days that the two of you had been coughing and sniffing; but by this point you were running a temperature. We were sceptical, I'll admit, but we had seen three children raised by her already and she was more than capable of dealing with the usual infant ailments. Therefore, the doctor was duly called, and it seems it was a good job we did. It seemed that the two of you had somehow contracted some sort of mild form of pneumonia. Nothing too bad, but somewhat risky in children so young. He prescribed some anti-biotics and instructed us to keep him updated. If you got much worse, you would have been sent to the hospital..."

"As it was, though, you, Kotoko, improved daily. The nanny said there was an immediate difference. She was more concerned about your brother. He seemed, if anything to be getting worse and in such a way as to alarm her. We were forced to call the doctor again. I'm not sure he felt there was any need for him to come when we called him, because he certainly didn't seem to be any hurry. His eventual diagnosis was that Kyouya was allergic to the antibiotics, and he prescribed him a different kind. I suppose it must have been his incompetence... or ours, for not pushing him to acquire the replacements, but, either way, we were unsuccessful. Your brother passed away before we got hold of the replacements, in less than a week since we had called the doctor. One morning we were all woken by you crying and then the nanny came rushing in and told us. By then, of course... it was too late."

I expected her to continue, but her monologue came to an abrupt halt there. She sipped her tea and silence hung in the air. I had wanted to know what she thought my father's involvement was, but she had said nothing. I knew it would be vulgar to press the issue, but frankly I didn't care. I had been subjected nightly to the scenes of my brother ever since I had overheard their conversation. I had split up with Tamaki and I was beginning to wonder why. And I had been told, over and over again, by the shadowy figure in my dreams that I was not meant to be here. Maybe this was why. Perhaps I should have been the one to die. I wanted to know why I hadn't.

"And... then?"

"Then?" My mother echoed, feigning confusion. "Well, you were taken into hospital to make sure you recovered properly, and you did. It was certainly unusual that you hadn't shared the original allergy, but there was nothing in it. That's just how the world turns."

"Mother..." I said, tentatively. Even in the onset of my new mood, I wasn't yet brave enough to simply ask outright why she had accused my father of letting him die. I knew I had to be more subtle, but it was hard to think of how. "How did my... father react to all this?"

There was another long pause. "Aha," My mother said finally in a sort of sigh. "So you did overhear. I wondered how you'd found out."

I said nothing, and sipped innocently at my tea.

"Kotoko, the things I said to your father that day were unbased." She said, firmly. "I was just too caught up in... grief, I suppose. You'll understand if you lose a child, though let's pray that never happens."

"Yet you were suspicious?"

"That's enough, Kotoko!" She snapped. "How dare you even entertain the notion of such a thing?! I was wrong to say what I did and I hope it did not put any ideas in your head!"

"Of course not, mother." I was quick to say. "I was just curious."

I knew we were both lying. No matter how much she pressed the opposite on me now, the seeds of doubt would always lie germinating in the back of my mind, in some dark corner, no matter how much I tried to ignore them from now on. However, the conversation was clearly over as my mother climbed to her feet once again and got as far as the door without looking back.

"Kotoko." She said, quietly. "I... spoke out of turn. I simply found the new antibiotics in a cupboard after your brother passed away. I thought, in the madness of the time... but they were delivered later that day. The maid didn't know how best to dispose of them and so left them there temporarily. That was all."

The door shut silently behind her, to leave me alone to thoughts that moved without conclusion. I thought of my brother and of my father, and of Tamaki and Haruhi and myself. I wondered what would become of us- or what had become of him, or what would have become of him- after all this.

I was angry, at myself and Tamaki and my father; and confused. Thoughts swirled in my head, and I couldn't settle to anything. My only escape seemed to be into sleep, and I leant back into the chair, closing my eyes. Thoughts swarmed round in my head looking for a way out, but I didn't open them. When I did fall asleep, I saw him again. For the first time, I didn't see him as a teenager. This time, in my dream, he could have hardly been older than about three. I saw him that day sitting in a room of our house, reading a book. It had large print and big pictures, but he seemed young to be reading at all. Our eldest brother sat at a table not far away, books for University entrance exams spread before him. The room was silent apart from the ticking clock. Finally, Kyouya spoke.

"Nii-san," he said, curiously. "What does this word say?"

"Not now, Kyouya." Our brother snapped.

Young as he was, even then Kyouya knew not to ask again. He stared at the word, frowning at it. "S..." He started, sounding the word out. "L...I..."

"Kyouya!" Nii-san shouted, his stress levels up to breaking point. "If you can't be quiet, go away!"

Kyouya went away. I knew, somehow, that was the only time he ever asked for help.

"You're right." The phantom agreed, appearing from nowhere with the voice that dripped ice. "He never asked for help... not even as a baby, not even when he was dying... he couldn't, you see. You can. You can ask, yet you don't. He never had that choice. Who are you to take that choice from him? Who are you to decide?"

I tried to move away, but I couldn't. Of course I couldn't, I never could.

"You shouldn't be here..."

I began to wish I hadn't forced myself to sleep so early, before even dinner. I was in for another long night, facing my phantom.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

A/N: Ahaha, poor Kotoko. So did her father know about the antibiotics or did they just get there too late...? We'll never know! Disclaimers stand as before, I don't own Ouran and I don't own the _Waiting for Godot _quotes.

On a note of random trivia, it was only after writing this chapter that I decided to put on a prolouge. :) Thanks for reading!

Next time, Tamaki's already tried and failed to win her back, but will she choose him after all? Or will the other suitor get his way...? Chapter Four on Saturday.


	5. Four: Light

Four: Light

_The light gleams an instant, then it's night once more_

It seemed there was some form of escape for me after all. I had tried to run from my anger and confusion and regrets into my dreams, but they were waiting there and worse, so was my phantom. I had seen him so many times now, heard from him so many accusations, you might have thought he was less terrifying. Yet our own guilt and fear are powerful resources, and he gained strength from them.

The fact was, I knew he was right. Something had gone terribly wrong in the past. I had seen scenes of Kyouya as he would have been without me, with the Host Club, his friends. I had all but stolen his life. Now all I had to do was use it. My phantom told me I wasn't meant to be here, this was not how it was meant to be; but there was little I could do about it. At that time, I was beginning to wonder if there was a reason for my being here; and I just didn't know what it was. Something it was worth my brother dying for, apparently.

Still, I was stuck in my dream. I had seen Kyouya, so young, learning not to ask for help. I had listened to my phantom's whisperings, and still, he continued.

"Didn't he show promise? You never did. He could have done so much, so much more then what was expected of him. You don't. You just do as you're told. What purpose have you in life? What purpose was it that he died for?! You're not even trying! You don't know why you're here! Why should you be here?!"

"Kotoko-sama?"

"You're not even looking for it! What reason do you have for being?!"

"Kotoko-sama, wakey-wakey..."

"Without any purpose, his death was a waste!"

I didn't understand. Why did one of us have to die so the other could live? Why hadn't we both survived? Or both died? It wasn't my fault.

"Use it." My phantom hissed at me. "Use it wisely. Find your purpose, or see how mad I can really get..."

"Kotoko-sama, I'm sorry, but wake up!"

I was awakened by one of the maids shaking me. How embarrassing, to be found napping in the middle of the day. I rubbed my face, glancing at my watch. It was only just getting on to seven pm. I assumed I'd been woken for dinner.

"Ah, yes, I'll be there in a minute. Thank you."

"Dinner is being served in your father's room today, miss." The maid told me. "As it is only the two of you, your father requested we did not use the formal dining room."

"Oh?" I asked, confused. My eldest brother and Fuyumi had moved out already, and my other brother stayed at University in the term time, but my mother should have been present. "Where is mother?"

"She has gone out, Kotoko-sama."

I gave this comment a mental eye roll. I had ascertained that much on my own. However, it seemed I would be getting no further detail, so I stood and, having taken a second to readjust my clothes and hair, headed for my father's rooms. It would not do to appear less than pristine before him. I just hoped the maids had the good sense not to tell him I had been asleep. An Ootori should never be caught napping.

That was a painful mealtime, consisting of trying to eat in the most elegant way I could and responding to the hundreds of questions my father seemed to find to ask, and apologising for the thousands of faults. Finally, we got onto the topic I most hoped to avoid.

"Did your mother tell you that you are to meet with a potential suitor on Sunday?"

"Yes, father, though she did not tell me who it was."

"Fumio Nokue. You know that name?"

"Of course, father." I replied. I did, just as I was supposed to. The Nokue family were close partners of ours, building contractors and architects that built most of our facilities. The current head of the family was a man who's talk was about as interesting as watching the cement between his bricks dry. Fumio was the eldest son, and the heir to the company. It would be a good marriage for a youngest daughter, and much to our advantage. Of course, the Nokue's family business was not as successful as ours, especially given the lack of building going on in the financial climate of the time. They would get the promise of a stream of contracts, and the Ootori would get good deals on them. It would be a good marriage indeed.

My heart sank. It also happened that something about Fumio Nokue rubbed me entirely the wrong way. I had spent a great deal of time entertaining him ever since our families had been working together, and loathed every second of it since he had hit puberty and looked at me in a different light; possibly because I was the only girl who would go near to him. I wondered if I could cope with a lifetime of that.

"Don't pull such a face, Kotoko." My father snapped. "If you have a reasonable objection, then voice it properly."

I think, at this point, I looked so desperately for a 'reasonable objection' I would have made one up if I had to and falsified the evidence afterwards. Thankfully, I struck on one.

"I was just wondering, father, how well their business bodes for the future. There's no telling how long the current economic situation will last, or how much specialist building work there will be in the future. Also, I would be cautious to make an arrangement with Fumio-san when he is so much older than me. I would be afraid of him changing his mind for someone more mature."

"That is why you must act mature." My father dismissed. "Besides, he's only twenty-four. That's only a seven year gap, most girls are lucky to get less than ten or fifteen."

"Yes, father, but he may be anxious to marry soon, I may be too young..."

"You'll be eighteen next year." My father snapped. "That will be soon enough for him, if need be. As for their business prospects, that is nothing to do with you. Just do as you're told and meet with him. Treat him civilly at all times."

"Yes, father."

"Even if we do not choose him, it would be foolish to offend him when he has expressed an interest."

I looked up in surprise at that. He had asked about an engagement? Usually the bride's parents had to approach those of the groom's. The only time a potential groom approached the parents was usually only if the couple were in love and sought approval, or, as in this case, if the groom was determined to get his name into the running before it was too late. I had assumed this had been cooked up by our families; if he _wanted _to marry me one day, my situation had just gotten worse. I had stopped eating. Nothing more would go inside me.

"I'm warning you, Kotoko, I want nothing to go wrong. I've been considering him for a long time. Others have been there for back-up only. The only other real contender for your hand is the Suoh boy. It's important this meeting goes well."

Fumio or Tamaki? And Tamaki was out of the question, now. Suddenly I knew exactly what my future held. Lots of little Fumios and a husband with no respect for me or my opinion, that wanted an airhead who would shut up and look pretty. It was not a hopeful prospect.

I think that was the moment that I realised how foolish I had been. I had thought it was for the best, because I thought he loved Haruhi. And I had been angry with him. I had thought I was indestructible. I should have known my father would have been considering Fumio as an alternative. Even if Tamaki had left me for Haruhi in the end, Fumio would have been married by then. I couldn't bear it.

"Kotoko." My father barked. "Stop sitting there looking so gormless! Is there a problem?"

"..." I swallowed hard. "Tamaki and I are no longer a couple, father."

I watched as his hands curled into fists as he struggled to remain calm. "And what did you do to anger him?"

"...He angered me, father."

"Did he hurt you?"

"No."

"Did he try to sleep with you?"

"No!"

My father got up then, very slowly, and walked around the table between us. Then, with an expression of utter contempt, he slapped my face. I heard the clatter as my glasses fell into the rice bowl and cutlery. I pressed a hand to my stinging cheek, not daring to look up.

"You stupid little girl." He said, coldly. "Do you have any idea what you've done? Do you want to be married to the son of a second-rate company? Is that it? This relationship between you and the Suoh boy has been greatly beneficial to us. His father dotes on you, even his grandmother is grateful that we are providing some prospect for the hopeless thing. Do you have any idea what you've thrown away? And the offence of it! Do you have any idea how much damage you've done?!"

I didn't reply. I couldn't.

"You will go and get cleaned up." My father instructed, his voice a low hiss. "Then you will change into whatever outfit he likes you best in, go to Tamaki-kun and beg forgiveness. You will do whatever it takes so that he takes you back. Anything he asks of you, Kotoko."

I realised what he was trying to imply with a sudden flash of understanding. I looked up in shock.

"You'll just have to hope he doesn't ask it of you, Kotoko." He sneered. "But just remember you have brought this on yourself."

"You're not seriously suggesting I..." I couldn't even finish the sentence, it seemed so foreign to me.

"What else do you think your purpose is?" He snapped. "What other reason is there for you to even be at that school? Your purpose is to build relationships that will be advantageous to us in the future, and that includes this one with Tamaki-kun! Your job is to keep the people who need to be kept happy happy, do you understand? Now. Get out of my sight; and don't come back until you've been forgiven!"

I went. It wouldn't do to argue. And perhaps that was the moment I started to believe that really was my purpose; to be with Tamaki. It could be, theoretically. I had been cautious about giving Tamaki my whole heart, trusting him, because of my assumption he liked Haruhi more than me; on the assumption that something could not be for both the benefit of my family and for love. But perhaps Fuyumi had been right all along. Perhaps the key lay in loving him. Maybe that was what my phantom meant.

I had to love Tamaki, and let him love me. Or convince him to love me if he didn't. That was the purpose that had been dictated to me.

And maybe, if I did it, my brother would be at peace. Maybe my phantom would disappear. Maybe we could be happy. Maybe that was all it was.

My head was buzzing with these thoughts as I washed my face and brushed my hair, sprayed on some scent, wiped the food from my glasses and selected jewellery. Finally, I could delay it no longer and went to the very back of my wardrobe. Even the seriousness of the situation couldn't stop me wrinkling my nose in distaste. I didn't like to dress like this.

The thing was, Tamaki liked 'cute', and I did not. My usual style was something more sedate, a sweater and some trousers or maybe a long skirt. Yet he liked the cutesy stuff, and sometimes, if I was in a good mood, I would wear pink or flowers or something childish. For an occasion like this, I knew what I had to wear. That didn't mean I liked it.

By the time I was finished, I'm ashamed to say, I was wearing a pinafore. Honestly, what girl still wore a pinafore when she was seventeen? But, it was cute, I guess. I certainly felt about twelve when I put it on. It was quite a plain thing, black with a few white buttons that were for decoration only. And a rabbit head stitched into a pocket on the side, and a small bow at the bottom of the neckline. I honestly tried not to think about it too much.

Under this, I had an electric blue top with long sleeves; and tights, because the pinafore came down to my knees, and anyway, today leggings would not be sufficient. I went to wear my usual pair of black slip-on shoes that I wore as often as I possibly could, but then remembered something. The last time I had worn this outfit, it had been my birthday. Tamaki and I had eaten lunch out together, and were dawdling afterwards in the shops, at which point he had decided it would be a great idea to buy me a hideous pair of shoes. Tamaki usually had reasonable taste, but what was going through his mind at that point I really don't know. They were normal buckle shoes, or so it would seem, but were also shiny and blue. I had worn them on the day to keep him happy and banished them to the back of my wardrobe ever since. I had thought of getting rid of them, but in the end, had decided to keep them in case of an emergency. Such a time had come. I buckled them up over my tights, trying not to look at them directly in case the colour blinded me.

I was ready. I looked practically like I should still be in elementary school, but that would have to do. I took a deep breath, steeling myself up and, as was my usual trick to keep up the cold Ootori mask, think through my swirl of emotions rationally. Realising how many there were this time, I sat down. It seemed it would take a while to think things through.

So, Tamaki. Why exactly had I been so mad at him? Yes, he had kissed me, but that was nothing new. Knowing him, he had probably done it to show how much he loved me after the comments I made at the photoshoot. Comments I had only made because he had tried to kiss me. It couldn't be that I had any problem with kissing him, we had done it enough, hadn't we? It was because I was worried our relationship was a scam, smoke without fire, and that kissing in front of the cameras would only prove it.

But, I reminded myself coolly, that wasn't the point. The smoke was the important part, what this relationship would do for my family. My father was right. I couldn't afford giving up on Tamaki until we were sure there was no better offer. The Suoh family was one of the richest in the world, and one of the best investors in our various ventures. Surely if Tamaki was brother-in-law to the next head of the family, the money would keep rolling in.

And then there was this confusion over my purpose. But hadn't my father explained? I was sure that the dreams had been signs, if they were anything, to make sure I noticed the explanation when it came. I had been torn up recently feeling I was keeping Tamaki from Haruhi, but for whatever reason, it seemed I was supposed to. Perhaps he was my purpose. I had to learn to be happy in that, and to make him happy too.

He had said he loved me. Even if it was a lie, it would have to be enough. Anything could be made into truth if you worked hard enough. This then, was my goal. To keep Tamaki in love with me, and to fall in love with him. Then we would be happy, I thought, and that was a lot more than a lot of people ever got.

By the time I arrived downstairs, there was already a car waiting for me. I climbed in, and it was only after instructing the driver to go to Tamaki's that I began to feel nervous. I had been so angry before, and for no good reason. What if he had been mad at me? Or if he had come to think after all that Haruhi really was preferable to me? What would I do then?

I didn't have the answer to any of these questions by the time we pulled up outside the gates of the Suoh family mansion. It was raining when I got out of the car, but I didn't ask to be taken up the drive to the front door. I wanted as much time as possible to compose myself. I instructed the driver to leave, counting on getting a lift home.

If indeed I went home tonight.

I pushed the thoughts away as absurd. We wouldn't have to go as far as that. It was Tamaki, after all.

Still, I think I was probably blushing as I was buzzed through. I stepped into the entrance hall, but left my shoes on. If I had to wear them, Tamaki jolly well had to see them. Shima was waiting for me.

"Good evening, Ootori-chan."

"Good evening, Shima-san." I replied. "I was hoping to see Tamaki."

At this point, a maid would usually scurry up to tell him I was here, and in theory come and escort me to wherever he was when he was ready. In practise, he usually came dashing right out and met me right there in the entrance hall. Today, however, neither of these things happened.

"I wish you luck." Shima sniffed. "I'm glad you're here, Ootori-chan, none of us can reach him. Oh, he smiled and said everything is fine; and given his usual tendency to overdramatic such a subdued response is worrying. Then he didn't eat dinner and won't receive anyone into his room... he won't even tell me what the matter is. The most I got out of him was that he'd done something 'bad' and now had to deal with the consequences! I'll admit, foolish as he is, I am slightly concerned."

For Shima to admit she was slightly concerned meant that, for most people, they would take whatever happened as a sign of the apocalypse. Had he really been that upset? I swallowed.

"Well, he will see me." I said, determinedly. "But we'll need some tea, if you could please arrange it, Shima-san, I'll take it up myself."

Shima gave me a look underneath her eyelids that I think, had I been of any other family, would have melted me into dust right there and blown away the pieces; a look that would see through people as easily as through a window. People would crumble and tell her anything just to avoid that scrutinising look. Thankfully, I was an Ootori, and had lived with my father some seventeen years. My expressions and emotions were concealed beneath a layer of stone that it would take more than a look to get through. So instead of my telling her everything and her then being able to sort it out, she was forced to trust me. She bowed without further comment, and moments later, I was on the upstairs landing, balancing a tea tray for two as I knocked on the door to his rooms. He didn't answer, so I walked in. I felt uncomfortable and anxious and just wanted to get things back to normal.

It took me a minute to find Tamaki. Unlike my room, which was very open and straight, built on two levels- an upper floor with my bed and wardrobe and the lower forming a kind of sitting room- his had been two rooms that had been knocked through. There was a bed to one side, his desk and drawers and wardrobe; and in front of them, in what would have been the other room, his small settee and table and television. Within all this there was plenty of nooks to fit yourself into, but I eventually located him sitting on the windowsill and staring out.

He looked very dramatic there. For a second, my heart beat a little faster, but I quickly suppressed it. Ootori didn't do things like that.

He didn't appear to have noticed my entrance at all, so I shut the door behind me and walked further into the room, setting the tea tray down on the table slightly more loudly than was necessary. He still didn't turn around.

"Tamaki." I tried. "Tea. Come, drink some."

"That's okay." He said, sounding so dazed I don't think he was really registering what he was saying, yet alone what I had said or who had said it. "I don't want any today. You drink it instead."

"I intend to." I answered, settling myself down before the table and pouring two cups. Unbelievably, he _still _hadn't turned around. I don't think he was even aware I was in the room. I was surprised, I'll admit, at how sad he seemed. For a moment, I was almost touched; but then the grief set in, and wrenched so hard at my stomach I acted without thinking.

I should explain at this point that I had never been the most affectionate person in the world. Yes, while we were dating, Tamaki and I kissed and hugged and held hands like any other couple, but he always initiated it and I usually ended it. I had certainly never said 'I love you' or anything else romantic, I couldn't bring myself to call him pet names as he did with me. I had never been comfortable with displays of emotion in any form, I hated even laughing in front of people and had to force myself. I simply wasn't that kind of person.

So that guilt must have pulled me really hard to make me cross the room so fast and wrap my arms around him. It wasn't comfortable, my hands somewhere over his chest and my face pressed awkwardly somewhere between his neck and shoulders. I felt him jump, startled, and crane his neck as best he could to see who this sudden assailant was.

"Kotoko...?"

"...Idiot."

Honestly, I considered myself reasonably intelligent and yet that was the best I could come up with. He squirmed slightly, manoeuvring himself until we were facing each other, my arms still around his neck, his hands placed hesitantly on my shoulders. "Kotoko." He repeated, surprised. "You're, you're here! B-but, I... I thought..."

"I know." I answered.

"I'm so sorry, I'm really, so, so, sorry! I was so stupid and insensitive, I promise I never meant to hurt you, though I know I did-"

"Tamaki." I tried. "It's alright."

"I promise, I'll make it up to you if such a thing can be done, I just wanted to prove to you that I really love you and it just went so wrong and I've been so stupid, I'm such an idiot, I'm so sorry, I'm really sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry-"

"Tamaki, just forget about it. After all, I broke up with you, so..."

"It was so insensitive of me! After everything you had been through already with those horrible men, I can't believe I did that to you! I... I... I'm really-"

I kissed him. That was another first for me. Normally, as I've said, he would come to me and I would let him. But I didn't know how else to show him that I forgave him.

The slight irony of the moment didn't escape me, but I chose to push that particular thought away. Unfortunately, that just made me think how bad I was at kissing people. It wasn't like when he kissed me, when it was soft and romantic and whatever else. This was more like me shoving my lips onto his. I was less than accurate, too, so actually, I only caught the corner of them. Still, he got the message, and that was the main thing. He finally gave in and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer to him.

"Don't scare me like that." He muttered. "I thought you hated me."

I went to reply, but something stopped me short. A dim memory I didn't know I'd kept. Something from a long time ago, before Tamaki and I were even dating, before that conversation with Fuyumi when I decided I should love him. I had been busy that day, I don't remember what with, but Tamaki had tried to call me and I hadn't answered. I called him back later that day, and when I explained what I'd been doing, he suddenly started laughing.

_"Oh, thank goodness!" He exclaimed. "I thought you were mad at me! I thought you hated me!"_

_"...You got that from me not picking up the phone?" I sighed. "This is the fifth time you've thought something like that. You can't just decide we're not friends at the drop of a hat."_

_There was a long pause. Then, he was off._

_"Ah! Ah, yes, I see! Of course, Kotoko cannot help but be my friend! I will continue to honour you with my __presence__! I too, am honoured by a friendship with such a beautiful and kind and sweet girl! I'm so glad you have overcome your shyness to enter with me into friendship! I know we'll always be friends, Kotoko! Always and always! Like the stars that never fade, I will always be with you! Our friendship will astound the world! We'll always be together!"_

_"...Do you listen to yourself?" I asked, irritated. A lifetime with Tamaki began to seem like it could get pretty annoying._

That strange conversation, so close to our beginning, chose to replay itself in my mind then, when we were so close to our end. His words were so silly, and so stupid. Yet, some cool, calculating part of my mind knew they were perfect. I forced them out, trying not to think about how ridiculous they were. If it got us back together, I would do it. I wouldn't ask for more.

"I'll continue to honour you with my presence." I teased. "Always and always, like the stars that never fade; I'll be here. Or something like that, right?"

"...Do you listen to yourself?" He chuckled, and kissed me properly. I gave an inward sigh of relief. It looked like everything would turn out fine.

"You know, the tea will go cold." I said, breaking away and pulling out of his embrace. He let go, reluctantly, but seemed happy enough as we went to sit together at the coffee table.

"Oh, sweetheart!" He said, as I sat. "You're wearing the shoes I bought for you! I'm so happy, I'll admit, I wasn't sure if you liked them."

"They were from you." I answered, and sipped at my mug.

"Yes, but I thought- oh." He said, realisation dawning, and he smiled, drank himself. Then he took a deep breath. "I really am sorry, darling. I didn't mean to... upset you."

"I overreacted." I answered. "Let's forget about it."

"Then, can I ask?" He said, cautiously. "I was wondering if... that was the only reason?"

"Excuse me?"

"Do you remember the morning before the day of the photoshoot?" He began, awkwardly. "I thought you seemed upset even that day, and the next... you were so preoccupied. I know there's something else troubling you. I wondered if it was just that you thought I liked one of the other girls, or that you were jealous but... that's not like you. So..."

His prompting fell silent. I sipped again, outwardly calm. Inside, my thoughts were whirring. Should I tell him about the dreams? He would only dismiss them as nightmares, and start fussing over me. I couldn't cope with that. It was hard enough to be strong without everyone expecting you to be weak.

"So..." Tamaki continued, seeing that I wasn't rushing to reply. "I won't ask for you to tell me, if you don't feel you can. But, just... I want to know so I can help! Even if I can't do anything... I want to be there for you!"

I met his eyes, and he looked back with such fierce determination and sincerity that I suddenly felt the urge to laugh. I stifled it disguised as a cough, and by the time I was finished, I knew what to say.

"Well, I did need to talk to you, Tamaki." I said, carefully. "My parents are starting to think about my future. They are considering... who my future husband should be."

"O-oh." He chocked, suddenly blushing. I thought at the time that it surely couldn't have been that much of a surprise to him. It wasn't unusual for girls to be engaged by the time they finished high school, though such arrangements usually lasted several years before a wedding took place. Of course, looking back, he probably thought I was onto him.

"And... I'm to meet with a... candidate, on Sunday." I finished. I was worried he would panic or retreat into one of his usual sulks, but he seemed to take it all remarkably calmly.

"Oh... who?"

"Fumio Nokue."

"Ah!" Tamaki said, sitting up straighter. "Nokue... they're the ones who built the school half a century ago!"

"That's them." I confirmed. "Their eldest son is Fumio... he's twenty-four right now. He'll be inheriting the company when his father retires."

"That's a seven year age gap." Tamaki observed. "That's not good. Although, it could always be worse."

"Yes." I agreed. I was uncertain of what he was trying to do. He was looking at this so detachedly. Like he didn't care. I suddenly realised it was for my benefit. He wanted me not to be influenced by worrying about him. He wanted me to decide for myself.

"And, I don't know how the company is doing nowadays, but they're certainly well-established. I'm sure your parents were very wise to-"

"Stop it." I snapped. "I don't want to marry him, Tamaki."

Tamaki didn't reply. I knew what he wanted to ask. I wasn't sure what answer I could give him. So I sipped my tea again, and then said, calmly.

"The only other person my parents are seriously considering is... you."

"O-oh. Good. I mean, grandmother hoped... I hoped..." Tamaki trailed off, sounding relieved and happy and embarrassed.

We finished the tea, talking of nothing in particular. After that, we decided to watch a film. I don't remember now what it was. I just remember how I gradually relaxed. I felt comfortable sitting there with him, knowing I was with him. Surely contentment was enough. Surely this was all the reason I needed?

Tamaki had interrupted my thoughts at that point. He had been usually quiet all night, normally he would shout things at the characters as he became steadily more involved in whatever we were watching. This time, the only one he spoke to was me.

"Kotoko, sweetheart?" He asked, looking down at me. He had put his arm around me some half hour before, and for once I hadn't shoved him off after a few minutes. "Promise me something."

"What?" I asked.

"Promise me..." He said slowly, almost teasingly. "That you'll trust me."

"I trust you." I answered, confused.

"Let me finish." He commanded. "You know I wouldn't hurt you on purpose, right?"

"Tamaki." I dismissed somewhat grumpily. "I don't think you'd purposefully hurt your worst enemy."

"I'd hurt Fumio!" He declared, dramatically. "For intending to steal my princess away!"

"Sure you would." I said, unconvinced. "Now, is there a point somewhere in all this?"

"Yes." He said, suddenly serious again. "I need you to promise that you'll trust me to love you."

"...Pardon?"

"Trust me to love you." Tamaki repeated. "I promised, didn't I? That a day would never come when I loved someone else? I meant it! So, promise me that you'll trust me to love you no matter how bad it seems!"

"That's a strange promise." I frowned. "Tamaki..."

"Please, Kotoko, love." He pressed. "It's as much for you as for me."

"Then I promise." I sighed.

"Really?" He brightened up immediately. "You do?!"

"Yes, Tamaki." I said, irritably. "Or weren't you listening?"

He laughed at my tone of voice and kissed me briefly on the top of my head. "Okay then, sleepy head, I think it's time I took you home. You're worn out."

"I didn't say that." I frowned.

"No, but it's getting late, and you're always grumpy when you're tired." He said, lightly. "It's so _cute_."

I hit him by way of reply, but allowed him to take me home. That night, I did not dream of my phantom, and I dared to believe I had found my purpose at last. I woke up early the next morning, and felt first surprise at my dreamless night, and then relief. Today, I was sure, would be a good day. Tamaki had asked me to go out with him later that morning, and I felt a little uncomfortable about it somehow, like it was wrong for me to do so. There was no reason for me to feel that way, and I supposed it was just down to nerves. I lay in bed a moment longer, convincing myself it would be a good day. If I believed it hard enough, I would enjoy myself. It was a simple matter of will power. I pulled myself out of bed and went to shower and get ready, not knowing what the day would hold.

It was a fairly average date, really. I had no idea where we would end up, as we hadn't made any specific plans; but, as usual, he had it all worked out. I had to smile when I saw he had a picnic basket in the car. Tamaki was one of those few people who thought that there was nothing wrong with a good cliché. It wasn't very 'me', but it was most definitely 'him'. Besides, we'd been on a few picnics together in the past, usually in the woods or in a park somewhere if the cherry blossoms were in season. That day, however, I remembered my surprise when we didn't go to either of these places. He took me to what appeared to be fields, stretching out as far as the eye could see, just a few minutes outside of the town centre.

"We have to walk a little way, okay, sweetie?" He asked me. I nodded my acceptance and got out of the car. Having told the driver to return in a few hours, Tamaki took up my hand with his spare one and guided me towards the entrance of the fields. I was perfectly capable of climbing over the stile myself, but he wanted to help, and for once I didn't have the heart to ignore the hand he offered to help me. I waited as he followed with the picnic basket, and then he took my hand again, and tugged me along.

I realised very soon that he was heading in too much of a specific direction, with too much speed and purpose in his stride, to be a normal stroll. I had thought he'd seemed somewhat wary since he had picked me up, and had put it down to him worrying about upsetting me again. Now I started to wonder if his strange behaviour was somehow all connected. I no more knew what was coming then than I knew how much of the world's water was contained in a single cow, or something obscure like that. I should have known, really.

We reached the summit of a hill, and as we looked down at the view, I suddenly realised where we were. There was an open air theatre Tamaki and I had visited together several times. However, on our previous trips, we had parked in the theatre's car park. I looked at him questioningly.

"I thought it would increase the suspense." He grinned. "Were you surprised?"

"A little." I admitted. "Especially as they're not in season yet. I guess we're not here to see a show?"

"Well, no..." He looked a little downcast for a moment, but then suddenly brightened. "But I phoned them up and chatted to them and then they said we could watch them rehearse! I just wanted to do something you'd enjoy, sweetheart."

"Thank you." I answered, not sure what else to say. "What are they practising?"

"Twelfth Night, I think." Tamaki told me, spreading the blanket he'd brought along not too far away from the stage. I wondered if he realised they probably wouldn't be wearing microphones so it would be hard to hear, but I didn't say anything. He really was trying his best to make me happy, and there was something gratifying about that. I went and sat down beside him, and we watched the performers move around on stage, catching the odd word here and there. They weren't rehearsing the scenes in order, of course, which in some ways made it more interesting to see. I was soon absorbed in the mechanics of it as we ate and our conversation dwindled. As such, I didn't notice Tamaki fiddling nervously with the edge of the blanket, or twiddling his fingers, or how he had to swallow several times before he spoke.

"Sweetheart..." He started, cautiously. "I..."

"Yes?" I asked, turning to face him. Even I couldn't fail to notice how he started blushing just slightly now he had my full attention. He didn't say anything, but kissed me instead- coming in slowly this time, so I could avoid it if I wanted to.

"Hey!" One of the actors, Sir Toby Belch, cat called. "I thought you said you wouldn't distract us, kid!"

Tamaki broke away to laugh slightly, resting his forehead against mine. I watched as he eventually leant back. When he opened his eyes, it was with renewed determination.

"I have to ask you something." He said, firmly. "I was going to wait, but... I don't want to miss my chance!"

I know what you're thinking. I should have guessed. Perhaps in those days I still had some of my naivety. I didn't guess even when he had been patting his pocket all day to check something was in there. In fact, it hadn't even occurred to me what he might be about to ask until he stood up.

I wondered why he did this, for a moment, and then he went down on one knee; and I finally understood.

"Kotoko," he said, forcing himself to meet my eyes. "Please, marry me?"

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

A/N: Hahaha, well, were you all shocked? No, probably not. XD Disclaimers stand as usual!

On a note of random trivia, the 'making up' scenes were the first ones I thought of and this entire story spawned from them. That is, the scene where she went to see him to get him back was from a totally different story, but then I put Kotoko in there, and whoomp. A whole new story. Strange, isn't it?

Next time, in Chapter Five, Kotoko meets Fumio; but who will win her hand…? Please join me on Wednesday!


	6. Five: Moods

Five: Moods

_One isn't a master of one's moods_

Looking back, I think I was the only one who was surprised by Tamaki's sudden proposal. I'll admit, I had no idea what to say. It seemed almost absurd, this situation. We were just kids. Hadn't he noticed how there was something about Haruhi that made her different in his eyes to every other girl? But then, hadn't he always treated me a little differently, too? He had made me promise him that I would trust him to love me, and now I knew why.

When I was still not answering, Tamaki began to talk, nervously. I don't quite recall everything he said, which sounds heartless I'm sure. But the thing was, it was Tamaki, and he did say rather a lot. Besides which, I was rather taken aback. As far as I knew, our families had yet to come to an agreement one way or the other.

As it turned out, this was the point. Within reassuring me he didn't intend us to marry immediately and telling me how happy we'd be, he also told me why he had asked me that day. He wanted to make sure I wasn't set up with Fumio, of course, but more than that, he told me he wished to ask me himself, properly, before this path to the future was dictated to us. He wanted me to know this was his choice, and what he wanted.

So what else was I to do? My father had cautioned me not to ever lose Tamaki again. I accepted the ring onto my finger. He was happy. I smiled too. This was my reason, wasn't it? Perhaps that's why I hadn't dreamt of my phantom the night before. This was all I needed.

And yet, even at the time, I felt the uneasy stirrings in my stomach that it wasn't going to be as easy as that. These feelings were proven to be correct, when Tamaki came that evening to announce his intentions to my father. I had done my best to persuade him to at least wait until after my meeting with Fumio, or even until our families decided on our engagement- as I was sure they would. Yet Tamaki could not be deterred. I sat awkwardly by his side at the table, one of my hands in both of his, and the other out of sight, where I couldn't seem to stop rubbing my thumb over the ring. It was a pretty thing, and usually understated. I realised he had picked it with my tastes in mind rather than his, and the result was a simple silver band with three small stones set in it. Even in the half light of the dining room, it glinted.

"Forgive me for saying it, Tamaki-kun," My father said, coldly, when Tamaki had finished. "But you're rather presumptuous to expect me to agree to this. Didn't Kotoko tell you negotiations are still underway?"

"Ah, um, yes." Tamaki faltered, not used to my father being discourteous. "I... I just..."

"Tamaki-kun," my father said, sounding almost paternal as he shook his head. "I'm not sure you're aware of your situation. You are certainly one of the potential suitors for Kotoko, but you are not the only one. You must realise that I can't trust you with my daughter unless I'm certain you'll take care of her and there will be benefits for our family."

"Ootori-san, please! Of course I would look after her! I-!"

My father held up a hand to stay the protest. "You can't guarantee it. You are not the Superintendent's legitimate son, are you? Why, we can't even be certain you'll inherit the company in the future, and then where would the two of you be?"

"I..."

"You shouldn't let your hopes surpass what you can logically hope to do." My father continued, sternly. "You don't know at the moment what will happen to you in the future. Until you do, you should know your place."

"Father," I protested on seeing Tamaki's face and seeing the hurt in it. "Just the other day you told me Tamaki was-"

"That's enough, Kotoko." He admonished me. "Tamaki-kun. Please don't think of this as an outright rejection just yet. However, I have to consider all options before I give Kotoko to just anyone. I think you had better go home now."

Tamaki stood up, bowed, and left the room. I had no idea how he controlled himself like that, but then, I didn't even know what was running through his mind. Knowing the way he tended to think, he may well have started to believe that what my father said was not only true but correct. I was not so respectful. After glaring at my father for a moment, I stood and followed Tamaki out. He was walking so fast he was almost at the front door already.

"Tamaki-!" I began, having no idea how I would finish that sentence even as I started it.

"Don't worry, okay?" He said, forcing a smile. "Your father is right, I shouldn't have... presumed... Anyway, I'll see you on Monday, okay, sweetheart?"

"Tamaki..."

"Oh, yes! I have a dental appointment that morning so I'll be missing first lesson. You'll be okay getting there without me, right, darling?"

"Of course, but, Tamaki-"

"Then I'll see you on Monday! Have fun till then, okay?"

With that he left, and all I could do was frown at a closed door. I had somewhat expected this to happen, but I wasn't yet sure if I was somehow glad it had. I had already decided marrying Tamaki was what I was meant to do, and my father's treatment of him had angered me, but there had also been something of a sense of relief about it. I pushed it firmly down inside me. True, I might have not liked the idea of being engaged, but hadn't I decided I loved Tamaki and I would trust him to love me? Our marriage was right, in a world that had so much wrong in it. I had to cling onto that thought, because otherwise, I didn't know half as much as I thought I did, or anything at all. This was my reason for being, or for living while my brother had died. We could not argue with our fates, only try to live happily within them.

It seems strange now, looking back, how rapidly my opinion had changed by that time. Until I had started having dreams about my brother and heard the words of my phantom, I had viewed fate as something shaped by our decisions and circumstances. There were several options, but not unlimited ones; yet each leading to several new ones. Now I was beginning to think fate was more like an exam. You had to do the right things to pass and live life successfully. Up until now, I had been failing, but now I knew what to do. I just had to get on and do it, and then everything would be fine. There and then I resolved that no matter how charming Fumio was the next day, or even if I fell desperately in love with him, I would not marry him. It seemed the kind of thing that would happen, just to make life difficult for me. But love could not get in the way of business or of fate. Even if the worst happened, I would marry Tamaki; no matter how much I had to argue with my father to do so.

His door was still open as I passed to get to my own room. "Kotoko," his voice came from within. "I will not be happy if I catch you wearing that ring again."

I took it off, and placed it onto my dressing table. I wouldn't wear it for now, if only to stop him confiscating it. Yet I promised myself it would be back on my finger one day, no matter what. Not my father or Tamaki's grandmother or Fumio or even Haruhi would stop it. Perhaps that was a cruel thought, but it was what I had to do. What my brother had died for.

I dreamt of him again that night, as I had known I would. He was about my age, as I usually saw him, and on this occasion, he was watching a girl. I didn't know who she was. His fingers drummed irritably on the desk, which really wasn't like him- especially when his laptop was open in front of him. There was a university application open on the screen, which meant he was a little older than me- in his third year. The girl he was watching, I didn't recognise. She was talking to the twins.

"Kyoooooouya!" I knew the voice too well to need the conformation it was Tamaki sneaking up behind his friend. "You like her, don't you, don't you?!"

"Don't be ridiculous." Kyouya snapped, immediately returning to his laptop. "I was just observing how the twins' act seems to be slipping."

"Don't worry, my friend!" Tamaki said, as if Kyouya had never replied. "Do you want to know something encouraging?"

"No."

"She always tries to ask for you! Yes, it's true, you are the one host she never designates! Yet, this is only because she feels too shy, and, having come up to the Host Club to ask for you, cannot get your name out! She only asks for the others to avoid looking a fool! She's been watching you alllllll afternoon..."

"Tamaki. Shut up."

To hear his dismissal, you would think Tamaki was being foolish. Yet I knew that tone, because it was very similar to my own. And, from the place where I watched, I could see the slightest of blushes on his skin. It only seemed to be on his ears, which I envied. It was far less noticeable than the ones that seemed to creep unbidden across my face.

My phantom began his whispering in my ear again then. I longed to see more of my brother, watch him for a longer time, but the whispers would always come and my brother be lost to darkness. "How much unhappiness surrounds you, Kotoko..." he said, softly, almost teasing. "He's dead... that girl is lonely... Tamaki will be caught in a miserable marriage... your mother and father can't look at you for being reminded of him. So much sadness in just one life, and there's more to come."

I wanted to tell him to stop, but as usual, I couldn't speak.

"There's _so _much more to come." He hissed. "What are you going to do about it, Kotoko? Isn't it time you brought a little happiness into this world?! Isn't it time you made someone smile?! Isn't it time you stopped taking and gave something back?! You bring sadness with you, it lies in your shadow and stalks your steps! Do something, Kotoko, don't just stand there! Do something!"

I awoke in the small hours, and resolved to do something. I was not going to marry Fumio. I would make Tamaki- and myself- happy, whether I wanted to or not.

So, I got up early that morning, which pleased my father as he took it as a sign of obedience in that I was going to meet with Fumio. A complete opposite to Tamaki, I was advised to dress to look older. For a second I was tempted to put on a floral skirt, brightly coloured cardigan and slippers to make myself seem elderly, but thought better of it. Besides which, I didn't own any of those things. Instead, I dressed myself in a slightly shorter skirt than I would normally wear, as it didn't quite reach my knees, tights, boots, and a blouse. I pulled my hair up into a bun, just leaving a few strands out, and then put on more jewellery than I normally would. Usually, it was no more than a necklace at most; but today I wore a more obvious one, and several gold and wood-coloured bangles on each wrist, and some dangling earrings.

I was ready. I would behave exactly as I was supposed to, but find a way to ensure my father would never choose him. I was sure I would discover some way to trap Fumio in his own words. I did, after all, have fate on my side. This was my reason.

At 1 PM, lunch was served, and my afternoon with Fumio began. I was sat next to him at the smallest and most intimate of our dining tables, my father and mother opposite. At first, my mother and I spoke little, letting the men talk. Yet, inevitably, the talk turned to me.

"It's being a long time since I've seen you, Kotoko-san." He said, smiling. "Or, what was it? Ko-chan?"

I forced a smile. "Yes, it's been a while."

"It's a shame, isn't it? We used to see each other often when we were young." All his attention was focused on me now, and I didn't like the patronising tone he used. "You were such a cute little girl! And just look at you now, you've grown into a fine young woman."

I was watching his face closely, looking for a crack in his facade, and his expression didn't slip. Thankfully, he threw it away for me as he quite deliberately squeezed my leg under the table. I forced myself not to show anything but a vague distaste, and said, very quietly:

"Please remove your hand."

I had pitched it just right, so my parents would overhear but so that it didn't look like I was deliberately trying to discredit him. He gave my leg a harder squeeze, but then removed his hand. I watched the dark look that flashed over my father's face but was quickly smoothed away. Good. Fumio was already overstepping the mark. The rest of the meal was spent in awkward talk, in which my father asked some tricky questions of Fumio of the prospects of his family's business and Fumio gave some half-reasonable answers. It seemed that while they were struggling slightly at this precise second, it was only because sacrifices had been made for greater return in the future.

"We can be very patient." He concluded. "But we'll always get what we want in the end." This was followed by a sideways glance at me. I looked down at my lap, trying to look upset when in reality I was just wondering if I was supposed to be impressed by this.

Eventually, the torture of the meal was over and I was left to entertain Fumio. I think the point was that I impress him, but I didn't seem to have much work to do.

"Do you remember when we were kids, Kotoko?" He asked, as we wandered around the gardens. There wasn't much to see there at that time of year, but we walked around nevertheless. "We used to play together in the gardens all the time."

"I think so, though I was a little young to remember it properly." I hedged. Truth be told, we had only really ever met when our fathers were arranging projects, or at parties, and I'm fairly sure we hadn't even set foot in a garden more than once or twice. Besides, by the time I was seven he was already fourteen; or when he was ten I was only three. I thought even then this seemed a strange thing to say. His interest in me had grown at about the same rate my womanly assets had, that was the truth of it.

"Haha, that's probably true. How old are you now? Sixteen?"

"Seventeen."

"Ah, a sweet age to be." He teased. "Just bloomed, as they say."

I had no idea how to reply to that. He didn't seem to mind, putting an arm around my waist instead. I pulled away.

"Excuse me." I said, as politely as I could manage.

"Sorry." He apologised. "I just thought, as we are bethroved..."

"We aren't yet, Fumio-san." I answered, firmly. "And, it would do you well to remember that will give you very few privileges even if we are."

"Haha," he laughed, "Well, when we're married, perhaps you won't be quite so prim?"

"If we're married." I replied.

"When." He said, his tone suggesting he thought this would be doing me a great kindness. "Don't worry. I promise. You're just too cute for me to let go." Here he tapped my nose with his fingertip. I took a step further away and frowned.

"If that's your goal, we should take the time to know each other." I suggested. "After all, I know very little about you, and I daresay you don't know much about me. You should at least find out if you could live with me."

"Kotoko, of course I could live with you." He said, softly. "It's what I've always wanted."

Now that, I doubted. He hadn't had too much interest in me before. Now, with Tamaki, you knew it was genuine; or at least he wanted it to be. He wanted to know more important things about me than what I looked like. Fumio... I knew what a marriage between us would be. I hated the idea.

"Yet you know nothing about me."

"Yet you haven't told me anything." He countered.

"You haven't asked."

"Then I'm asking."

"What are you asking?"

"Well... say, what's your favourite colour?"

"Is that important?" I said, though in truth it was because I didn't really know. I mostly just chose the colour which seemed the most appropriate to the object I was buying or the person who was asking. For Fumio, however, I wouldn't make it easy.

"You're a hard one to please." He sighed.

"And you're already sick of me." I answered, smiling slightly.

"No, I'm very easy to please." He whispered, leaning closer. I expected a peck on the cheek, but he placed a hand to my cheek, gently turning my face. He wasn't forcing me. Fumio may have been a little too self-assured and rather superficial, but he wasn't that bad. I wasn't frightened. I could easily have pulled away.

It must seem strange to you that I didn't, given I was, after all, convinced by this time that my purpose was to learn how to love Tamaki and to let him love me back. However, all this time I had been drawing him slowly towards the house, where I knew someone would be watching. Then I let him kiss me briefly and stood stiff as a board, as though I could not refuse him for risk of upsetting the family. After that, we headed back inside, and even I couldn't read my father's face.

After Fumio had gone, with his self-assured smile still in place, my father turned to me and asked: "Well?"

"...I will marry whoever you feel will most benefit myself and this family, father." I said, and headed upstairs. I was outwardly calm, although I'll admit inside my heart was pounding. The sad truth of it was, his being slightly perverted around the edges would not be enough for my father to disregard him. He had to believe Fumio's behaviour would be bad enough to discredit our family or to ruin the business as soon as he was in charge of it. Otherwise, I could very well wind up in his bed. The very thought made me shudder.

What followed was a few anxious hours of waiting. Eventually I gave up on having any answer before the morning, and, conscious of school the next day, I knew it was time to turn in. Just as I stood, though, having been listlessly watching television and half-expecting Tamaki call and being shocked when he didn't, a maid knocked on the door and said my father had requested to see me. With some trepredation, I headed to his study. It seemed so long ago Tamaki and I had knelt her together. Now, I supposed, Tamaki would get the final answer to his question one way or another.

I remember the exact moment it hit me, with my hand poised, ready to knock, that I really had very little control over my own life and my own fate. I was leaving my future in the hands of a few individuals because otherwise my future would seem to be so much worse. I suppose it was as if I were a fish, being swept downstream in a current. I had no control over where to go, but if I jumped from the water altogether I would suffocate. The best I could do was discover my purpose within the walls that were built around me. That was what my Phantom was trying to tell me. I would waste too much energy trying to change things. Fate would provide my purpose, but I had to find it, not sit there and wait for it to happen. That was why my brother had to die. There was something I was supposed to do, I was sure of it. I had to do something. Bring some happiness.

I knocked on the door, still not knowing what would lie beyond it. I wasn't even sure what I would do. That morning I had resolved I would marry Fumio, and the prospect made my skin crawl even now. Yet the idea of what would happen if I pushed too far scared me too. I was fairly sure I wouldn't find my purpose in the bottom of a pauper's grave. I would do what I could, I decided, but concede defeat with grace if I had to.

"You wanted to speak with me, Father?"

"Yes." He said, gravely, setting aside some papers. "I've been looking at the Nokues forecasts and profit margins and so on. I'm sure I don't need to tell you they're very good."

"Yes, father."

He paused for a moment, expecting more of a reaction, but I offered none. Lips pursed slightly, he added: "But of course, so are the Suohs. A marriage into either family would be beneficial for us. Of course, Fumio is somewhat impulsive- he'll make money as easily as he'll lose it. Tamaki, on the other hand... he would probably settle down and work hard, provided he does inherit the company, and of that there's no guarantee. What am I to do for the best?"

I didn't answer, his question was rhetorical. I was sure he had already come to a decision, and indeed, he had.

"Fumio will of course have accountants and assistants to keep him in line. And the price of building is only going to go up, having the Nokue on board could be very beneficial for us. I've decided you should accept his proposal."

I swallowed, almost hearing the sound as the guillotine thudded down on my future. "And Tamaki?"

"You may as well stay with him for now." My father shrugged. "Don't lie, but you could perhaps lead him to assume nothing's been decided. It'll be a few years yet before the wedding, we may as well keep the family's favour as long as possible."

That more then anything made me angry. At least before I had been able to pretend there had been a pure motive to my dating him, some point, some hope that it might go somewhere. To continue would make it all to clear I was using him. I stood up, not caring that I hadn't been dismissed.

"I suppose it doesn't matter anyway." I spat. "I daresay he'll leave me soon enough anyway!"

"What have you done?"

"Nothing. He's just in love with someone else and sooner or later he'll figure that out!"

I regret ever saying that now. How was I to know the words would one day send me over the edge? At the time I just said them in anger. That was the moment I dared to think perhaps my relationship with Tamaki _was _more than business after all, maybe it _was _more than friendship?

Why didn't I realise that _before _I was engaged to someone else?

That night I dreamt again of my phantom and of my brother. Today I saw him on a trip with the rest of the Host Club to what seemed to be some kind of theme park. They were coming off, soaked, from a water ride. Everyone seemed happy. I so rarely saw my brother smiling like that, let alone Haruhi. It seemed like she was having fun. Tamaki was watching her intently, a little smile on his face- probably this had been his plan and he was glad she was enjoying it. My brother seemed to be having fun too, which was rare. I wasn't sure I had ever seen him relaxed before.

"You look happy, Kyouya-senpai." Kaoru commented.

"You want to leave that much, huh?" Hikaru added, less impressed.

"That's not it!" Honey interrupted. "Kyou-chan is happy because his _girlfriend_ promised to stay in touch even after he graduates!"

"How many times? She's not my girlfriend."

"That's not the point!" Tamaki declared, butting in. "There's less than a week until graduation, so we don't have much time to all have fun together like this!"

"But Honey-senpai and Mori-senpai graduated last year and they're still here." Haruhi pointed out. "Now, let's just get a move on, okay? The queues for the good rides are all going to get really long."

"Ah, yes, of course!" Tamaki answered, probably thinking how cute it was that Haruhi liked rollercoasters. The others drew away. Kyouya stood and watched them, and then he glanced up at the sky. This time, I had no idea what he was thinking about.

Then his face turned and he looked at me, into my eyes. Before I could react, the whole world went dark. There was nothing in the blackness of the void except the voice of my phantom.

"They're just hanging out, aren't they?" He asked, hissing the words. I couldn't see him this time. Perhaps I was inside his blackened mind. "They're just hanging out and having fun. So why is their life so much happier than yours? Why does this seem so much less like a dream? Why do these people seem so much more real then you do? This is a life without masks and without facades! This is a life where it is seen for what it is! When will you drop the pretence that this is why you were born?!"

I heard no more, waking up with a start. I lay and watched the dawn creep over my ceiling. I tried not to think, but the thoughts crept into my mind as the light seeped over my closed eyelids. A future with Fumio.

That morning seemed very bleak.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

A/N: Haha… I almost forgot to update today. XD Oh well! Poor Tamaki-kun, huh? He never has any luck. Poor Kotoko too, I don't think she wants to marry either of them. Disclaimers as usual.

On a note of random trivia, I stole Fumio's name from the pirate in the _Tales of the Ootori _series by Lian Hearn. :D

So! Next time, it's the 'engagement' chapter… someone has to win, one way or another. Please join me then!


	7. Six: Veil

Six: Veil

_But behind this veil of gentleness and peace, night is charging_

I had woken in the early hours of Monday morning knowing I would, by then, be engaged to Fumio. Yet, I went to school wearing a ring. The ring. Tamaki's ring, or the one he had given me. And I had been fully permitted to do so.

How can I explain what had happened in the intervening hours? I'm not sure I understand it myself, completely. I dragged myself out of bed, dreading seeing Tamaki, got ready on autopilot with the words of my Phantom still dripping through my mind. I ate a little breakfast, and then my father suddenly said:

"Kotoko. Wear Tamaki's ring today."

"Father...?" I questioned, unsure whether I was to lead him on or if it meant something else.

"I have decided it would be better for you to marry him in the future." He said, without a hint of shame. "So you may wear his ring."

"May I ask why the change of mind?"

"I don't believe I had made up my mind to begin with." He answered, and that was all the explanation I ever got. I thought then, as I do now, that it was probably because he had expected Tamaki, or at least his family, to 'fight' for me if I was engaged to Fumio. To make the prize better, I suppose, or rather, the price higher. Perhaps the family would offer more if there was competition for me. It made me feel slightly sick.

Still, I was going to be with Tamaki, right? I had to convince myself that this was a good thing. I had decided I loved him. I had decided to love him. I had to. And I knew he would love me; and if he couldn't, he would believe he did; and if he couldn't believe he did, he would pretend he did; and if he couldn't pretend he did, he would still do his best that I would never know. Besides, I had to find my reason. Life couldn't always be what we wanted it to be. If this was the purpose my brother died for, as my phantom said, then I had to do it. I had to live with him, and, if I could, to love him.

I went back upstairs and put the ring on. Tamaki would be so happy when he saw it there.

And I was happy too, as much as I was ever capable of being so. At least it was better than Fumio. Still, I felt self-conscious when I thought about how visible it was. How everyone would put two and two together. Many of the girls in my year were engaged, and many more would be before we graduated. But still, there was something a little embarrassing about it. I would prefer not to wear it, frankly, but I knew how much it would mean to Tamaki if I did. So it stayed on my finger, though not for as long as I thought.

That day, however, I had to go to school like every other day. The only difference was of course that Tamaki had been unable to, for whatever reason, not pick me up that day. Somehow, that was worse; because it meant he would find out in school, rather than in relative privacy. I wasn't sure what he would do when he saw I was wearing his ring.

There was only one way to find out, of course, so I went to school. The first people I encountered, however, were the twins. This was mostly because they ran out of the classroom when I passed by the door and shouted after me.

"Kotoko-senpai, please, wait!"

I continued walking. If this was about designing my wedding dress, it could most definitely wait.

"Please!" Hikaru yelled. "Listen! It wasn't Tono's fault!"

"We told him to kiss you! Both times!" Kaoru tried. "So be mad at us, okay?"

I stopped, and turned. "What are you two talking about?" I asked, calmly.

"Don't break up with Tono!"

Aha. I realised then what must have happened. Either they had contacted Tamaki to see how it had all gone and he had told them we had broken up, or he had phoned them in a tizzy. He must have forgotten to contact them since, presumably leaving them wracked with guilt. It was touching in a way, that they were so worried. Or that they thought Tamaki and I had a relationship worth preserving.

"We haven't." I told them, turning to leave again. As I did so, the light caught on my ring and glinted slightly. I just had time to see how Kaoru's gaze flicked to it, and the smile that bloomed on his face. I took a step forward, hoping to get away, but it wasn't meant to be. He grabbed my hand.

"And what's this?" He asked, admiring the ring.

"It's a dressing table." I spat, sarcastically.

"Hey, Hikaru, look!" He continued, paying me no heed at all. "Someone's getting _married..._"

"Not yet." I snapped. "It'll be a few years yet!"

"A blushing bride." Hikaru teased, commenting on the flush that was spreading across my features. "Come on, why are you embarrassed? We all knew it was coming."

"Exactly." Kaoru agreed. "So, when did he ask you? He went down on one knee, right?"

"I don't kiss and tell." I said, primly, dragging my hand away. "Besides, Tamaki doesn't even know my father approved him yet, so..."

"Kiss and tell?" Hikaru said, smirking. "Was kissing _all_ you did, Kotoko-senpai...?"

I just rolled my eyes, and the twins laughed. By this time, Haruhi had appeared to find out what all the noise was about.

"Haven't you two caused enough trouble for Kotoko-senpai?" She asked, mildly. "Leave her alone already."

The twins complied with her demand to a certain extent, in that they let me go at last and went and draped themselves around her neck instead. "But we're celebrating..." They drawled in unison. "Tono finally asked her!"

"Asked her what?" Haruhi frowned in confusion. "You told me yesterday they'd..." She trailed off, looking slightly guiltily at me.

"We didn't." I frowned. "...Essentially, anyway."

"Did you or didn't you?" Haruhi asked, confused.

"They did." Kaoru confirmed.

"Just not for very long, from the looks of this." Hikaru finished, suddenly grabbing my wrist and flourishing the ring in front of her. "Kotoko-senpai and Tono are getting married!"

"...Congratulations." She said, so stiffly that even the twins couldn't fail to notice the tone of her voice. I saw Kaoru look away awkwardly, and knew he was as aware as me of Haruhi's feelings; and both of us probably more than she was. Hikaru, on the other hand, seemed totally confused.

"What's up, Haruhi?" He asked. "It's a bit rude, you know?"

"Ah, sorry." Haruhi answered, back to her usual tone. "I was just thinking... aren't you a little young to be getting married? I mean, you're both still in High School..."

"It wouldn't be for a while yet." Kaoru reassured her. "After Tono finishes Uni, probably."

"Besides, how old was your dad when they had you? Like, sixteen?"

"He was nineteen!"

I took the opportunity to slip away, trying to stop my heart from pounding. Why did it feel as if I had been found out as a fraud? Why was there this guilt eating away at the edges of my heart? I remember that, on that day, those questions kept swirling round and round in my mind until I wanted to scream aloud. I can't remember anything we did in the lessons that morning. I don't think I was paying any attention to anything but the door. I was desperately trying to convince myself I hadn't 'stolen' Tamaki. I was his girlfriend. Weren't we in love? We were getting married, but that didn't necessarily mean anything. But loving him was my reason, wasn't it? For the first time in my life, seeing Tamaki was not something I just had to do. It was something I wanted, and needed more desperately than I could have imagined. I think I somehow convinced myself that when I saw him, everything would be okay.

He came in just before the end of the break between morning classes. I watched him come in, and wondered if my heart should be beating faster or if I should be blushing. I waited, but none of those things happened. I think that was when despair began to move into the darkest corners of my mind.

"Oh, good morning, sweetheart!" He said, overenthusiastically, and sat down in front of me without looking at me again. I felt how uncomfortable he was. "Class is about to start, isn't it? We'll have to talk at lunch!"

"Tamaki..." I tried, but found I couldn't say it. "How was your appointment?"

"Oh, just fine." He answered, still not looking at me. "It was just a little filling! Did I miss much this morning?"

"No." I said, beginning to grow irritated. I wished he'd look at me.

"...How was your thing yesterday?" He asked, suddenly, turning towards me a little more. "With Fumio-san?"

"Tamaki." I answered. "Look at me."

He did, a second later, and I waved my hand in front of his face.

"It's your ring I'm wearing, Tamaki."

He stared at it for a long second. "Kotoko..." He muttered, shocked. "But... your father... won't he...?"

I considered how to reply for a second. Tamaki seemed to think I had defied my family's wishes and insisted on marrying him. I didn't want to disillusion him, but on the other hand, I didn't want him to worry about my father disowning me. "He changed his mind." I said, in the end. "He... I chose you."

"Kotoko." Tamaki said again, and suddenly stood so he could lean over the desk and kiss me, right there in the middle of the classroom, in front of everyone. I had never had an audience to my kissing before. I couldn't really think of anything worse, except pushing him away in front of everyone. So I bore it, and tried my best to lose myself in it. It wasn't bad, but still, I was glad when the teacher arrived and said, in a tone of wry amusement:

"If you wouldn't mind putting Miss Ootori down for a moment, Mr Suoh, people might pay attention to me instead of you."

"Ah, oh, um... sorry." Tamaki stammered, embarrassed, to the further amusement of the class. I met no-one's eyes, staring down at my book and trying not to look ashamed. I knew everyone would be looking with renewed interest at the ring on my finger, and what they would be talking about. I forced myself to concentrate on my classes, and excused myself from every conversation about my new relationship status. Unfortunately, when the Host Club closed for the day, there was no escaping the inquisition.

"Ahhhh, I'm exhausted." Tamaki groaned, flopping onto one of the settees. "They all wanted to know if I had given you that ring willingly, Kotoko, my love. What I was meant to say...?"

"Senpai, could you at least pretend to help?" Haruhi snapped irritably, collecting used plates onto a tray. She went ignored as the twins resumed their attack.

"What did you say?" They asked in chorus.

"If you said you did, the fangirls might get upset,"

"...But if you say you didn't, Kotoko-senpai might be."

"I'm not upset." I answered. I went ignored too, as Tamaki went into a full-scale panic. In the end, however, I calmed him down; reminding him that the fangirls had always been aware of our relationship, and he had said countless things to pacify them in the past. Then it turned out he hadn't even denied that he had given it to me willingly. What a foolish boy.

I will confess at this point that I watched Haruhi almost the entire time we were talking, trying to gauge her reaction. If she, like Tamaki, hadn't realised her feelings yet, surely it was just possible that we could come out of all this without anyone getting hurt? It wasn't like Haruhi wouldn't have admirers lined up around the block. Someone like that would never be lonely. Happiness would seek her out and stay with her. I would have to find it and fight for it and struggle to keep it. I hadn't done anything wrong. Tamaki was so happy that day. I tried to be. This was right, I kept reminding myself. If my brother really had somehow died in my place, it was my responsibility to use life correctly, despite my misgivings. This was right.

That evening, I was a little late home because Tamaki's goodbye was more enthusiastic than usual, and that was after we have escaped from the taunting of the twins together with their demands to design my dress and Honey-senpai's questions about cake. I remember thinking they were all getting somewhat ahead of themselves as Tamaki and I wouldn't be marrying for a few years yet, but it seemed my parents had caught the bug too. I entered my room, only to find my mother was waiting there, with two of the maids and Ichijoji-san, who I had met several times before. He worked for the Hitachiin company, and usually came to take my measurements when we were ordering a formal outfit for me. I had been to a business party just the month before, so I was sure I couldn't have changed sizes very much- not enough to warrant another measuring session, anyway. I began to get a sinking feeling. I hadn't been aware of any approaching event, but it must have been one of considerable importance if it was so integral that my dress fitted just so. I hated those kind of dresses. It felt as though no-one ever looked higher than my neckline, and usually lower. Still, I forced a smile, and bowed in greeting.

"Mother, Ichijoji-san. I'm sorry, if I'd known you were waiting for me, I would have been quicker."

"Never mind, you're here now." My mother dismissed. "Stand on the stool please, Kotoko, and let Ichijoji-san measure you."

I did as she asked, holding my arms up in compliance. I waited until he had started so my obedience could not be doubted, and then I dared to say:

"I doubt my measurements have changed much in the last month." I ventured. "Is this a particularly important occasion?"

I should had guessed from the way Ichijoji-san chuckled to himself at this what was coming. My mother's embarrassment came out in the form of a frustrated tone of voice.

"Of course it's important, Kotoko." She said. "It's for your wedding dress."

"My wedding dress?" I repeated, frowning. "Isn't that a little in advance?"

"Your father conferred with Tamaki's family this afternoon." My mother answered calmly. "The date of the ceremony has been set for the end of the month." I must have been staring blankly at her, because the very next thing she said was: "Kotoko, try not to look so vulgar, please."

"Sorry, mother." I said absently, just as Ichijoji-san said: "A little higher please, Ootori-san."

I did as he asked, though my mind was running in circles without reaching any conclusion. The idea that I could be a married woman, and to Tamaki, by the end of the month seemed so laughable. On the other hand, I knew exactly why he had done it. It could only be because I had said Tamaki liked someone else. My words had sealed my own fate. I should have known that my father had always intended me to marry Tamaki. I must have been blind not to see it. This had all been a game to drive my price up. I wondered what the conditions of the engagement were. True, it was mostly to assure that the Suoh and the Ootori would continue to work together, but no doubt my father had demanded 'assurance' that Tamaki would be a worthy match for me, whether he inherited his family's company or not. I wondered what it was. I didn't have to wait long to find out. As soon as Ichijoji-san left, I was summoned to my father's rooms.

"Did your mother tell you?" He demanded as soon as I went in, before I even had chance to greet him. Nor did he give me chance to answer, launching straight into his tirade. "You're to marry the Suoh boy on the last Saturday of the month, so we don't have much time to organise everything. We'll have to get the word out as soon as possible, but we'll be restricted in how many formal visits you can receive. Oh well, as long as we throw a decent ceremony it won't matter. Now, Kotoko, the wedding will be at one, followed by the reception at five. You'll need to leave by eleven because you'll be going straight on your honeymoon. I'm afraid you'll only be going for two weeks because of missing school, but you're young, it will be time enough."

"Father." I said, interrupting in an appropriate pause. "May I ask? Why so soon? I mean, surely, it's more customary-"

"Customs have nothing to do with it." He overrode me. "Didn't you want to marry him?"

"When Fumio-san was the alternative, I-"

"Well then." He said, impatiently. "Why wait? You could have a whole family before you're twenty."

I wondered if this was meant to be somehow appealing. "But I was hoping to finish school."

"You don't need to finish school." He dismissed. "Tamaki will support you, and before that, his family will support you both. It's all taken care of."

"And if he doesn't inherit the company?" I asked, stiffly. "You said it yourself; it's not certain. He isn't the Superintendent's legitimate son."

"It is certain." My father dismissed. "It was made so this afternoon. If we guaranteed that you would marry Tamaki, they would guarantee that he would inherit the company."

"...Why?" I asked.

"This alliance is mutually beneficial." He replied. "But it will only be good for us if he inherits the company. As for the Suoh... well, I suppose they need him to do something useful. You will marry him at the end of the month."

Something in me wanted to argue, but it didn't know why. After all, I knew I had to marry Tamaki, and try to love him. More importantly, perhaps, I had to make him love me. Then, somehow, that would make up for the life that Kyouya never lived. It had to be something more than money or business. My reason to be had to be bigger. Love was all I could think of.

It was a little soon. But we would make it work. We had to. When my father released me, I steadied myself, and called Tamaki.

"Kotoko, my love!" He answered. "How nice to hear from you!"

I knew from his tone then that he hadn't heard. I had expected panic, or excitement, or both; but more or less in that order.

"Kotoko, sweetheart?" He said, and I realised I had yet to answer. "Are you okay?"

"Fine." I asked. "It's just... are you on your own?" I asked this because I had visions of what his immediate reaction might be, and that he may not want that to be in front of other people.

"H-huh?" He said, but didn't wait for an explanation. "Alright, I'll go upstairs. I'll be back in a minute, Haruhi."

"Haruhi?" I asked, for a moment distracted. "Haruhi is there?"

"Yes." Tamaki answered. "I did tell you, darling. My father invited Haruhi and Ranka-san around for dinner. You were invited too, but you said you didn't want to..."

"Oh, yes." I remembered his two day long sulk very well. "With everything that's been going on, I appear to have lost track of the date."

"Well, never mind! You have my full attention!" He said earnestly. "What did you want to talk about? I'll help however I can!"

"They really haven't told you...?" I muttered, not really intending it as a question. "Tamaki, when I got home, I was measured for my wedding dress."

"Really?! How exciting!" He said, cheerfully. "Ah, but, you mustn't tell me about the design! That would be bad luck! I think..."

"Tamaki." I said, trying to remain calm even when he wasn't getting it. "Don't you think I might change size or shape in the next few years?"

"Oh, um... no..." He clearly wasn't sure what to say. "You must never worry about getting fat!"

"That isn't what I meant!" I snapped, and then I sighed. "I was being measured for my dress because our families have decided we are to marry at the end of the month."

"The end of the...?" He repeated, trailing off.

"Yes." I said. "That's in two and a half weeks." I added helpfully.

"But... it's so soon!"

"I know."

"And there's so much to do!"

"I know."

"What if we're not ready in time?!"

"We will be." I said, grimly. "My father will make sure of that. Not that it would really matter if we weren't. That's when it's happening, regardless."

"...But we're still in high school..." He whispered nervously. "We're not even eighteen."

"We have our parent's permission to marry." I countered. "They've obviously decided there's no need to wait.

There was a pause of some length, but then Tamaki spoke with new determination. "They're right! We're going to spend our whole lives together, why shouldn't we start now?! I'm happy! This is a good thing, darling!"

"Do you think so?" I asked.

"Don't you?" He said, sounding slightly hurt. "Kotoko, my love, listen! I know we're young, but I know we'll be fine. I love you."

"Yes, well... you too."

"Don't worry." He reassured me. "It'll be just fine. More than fine, it will be wonderful! I'm excited!"

"...Alright. Now, you should be getting back to your guests. This is poor hosting, Tamaki."

"Oh, you're right." He chuckled. "I'll be going then. I'll call you later! I love you!"

He hung up before I had time to reply, and went back to Haruhi. I wondered if I shouldn't feel jealousy, or irrational anger. Instead, I just felt indifference. Some part of me had accepted it as inevitable, for now. In less than three weeks, we would be married. I could loan him to Haruhi until then.

Or perhaps my indifference was because I had bigger issues on my mind. All I could feel was bitterness that I would not be finishing high school. In another life, perhaps I would have aimed at University, and a career, before getting married. In this life, I hadn't dared hope for any ambition greater than finishing school. Now even that was unobtainable.

But then, as I reminded myself, in another life, I was dead, and my brother had his place- and probably put it to better use. I had taken this life, and I had to justify my having it, whatever dreams or desires- mine or other people's- had to be sacrificed along the way.

The next day, back at school, the sudden announcement of our wedding was the main topic of discussion among our friends and the families that had been informed and invited. The hosts, at least, waited until the customers had disappeared before launching into their questions. I let Tamaki handle it.

"The end of the month?" Haruhi repeated, flummoxed. "But I thought you were going to wait till you were older... You haven't even finished school!"

"Yeah, but if it's going to happen, why wait?" The twins shrugged in unison.

"Ah, but, speaking of school..." Honey-senpai interrupted sadly. "Does this mean you two will be leaving, Tama-chan?"

"What?!" Hikaru demanded.

"You can't leave!" Kaoru insisted.

"Of course I'm not!" Tamaki soothed. "We'll miss a little time for the honeymoon, I guess, but then we'll be right back!"

Everyone else seemed to relax a little. I, on the other hand, was more alert then ever.

"We?" I questioned. "You... don't want me to quit school?"

"Huh?" Tamaki blinked in confusion. "I thought it would be fun to go to school together... and if you didn't I wouldn't see you as much... ah, but, if you don't want to-!"

"Not like she has anything better to do." The twins pointed out.

"Nonsense! If Kotoko wants to take up her position running the household, then-"

"No." I interrupted, quickly. "I want to finish school."

"Then you will!" He beamed. "It'll be fun!"

"Oh, great." Haruhi muttered to no-one in particular. "They'll be coming in with matching bento boxes..."

Everyone, bar Tamaki and I, laughed. He didn't because he didn't get it. I just couldn't help but think she was probably right. However, even if Tamaki was a little embarrassing, it would be worth it if I could graduate. My father was right in that it would do me little good, when it wasn't like I would ever need to get a job. But somehow, it was important to me. I was never more determined that I could love Tamaki then in that moment when he told me I could finish my high school education. He saw me smile, and was happy too. There were so few moments of happiness in our relationship after the time I had first dreamt of my phantom, but that was one of them.

I had seen so much of my phantom and my brother by then that I was becoming adept at pushing it out of my mind during the day. There were some terrors that were best confined to the night, and were left to lurk in the darkness of my mind. We were so busy in those weeks with wedding preparations that, thankfully, I scarcely had time to dwell on my dreams. I saw endless scenes in those days, from all times of his life; but most from his high school days, with Tamaki and the twins, Haruhi, Honey and Mori-senpai; the customers, and all the rest. Sometimes I thought he seemed to be doing a much better job of it than I was. He knew what he wanted, I discovered. He was out to get it.

The night before my wedding, I was sure it would be the last time I would see my phantom- if I even managed to sleep. Try as I might, the knot of nerves in my stomach would not untangle itself. I didn't even know what I was nervous about. Perhaps in case it didn't work. Yet there was some part of me that, just as it longed to be free of the dreams, longed to keep them. They were my only way to know my brother, although he would never know me. I wondered sometimes, as I still do, how our two lives might have been different, had we only inhabited the same world.

I didn't know it at the time, but I was already two-thirds of the way along the road to madness. The dreams had unhinged something in me, detracted from my judgement, and ran my life. Yet at the time I thought they were to save me, by telling me my reason to be. The night before I got married, I saw them again. Yet, perhaps reacting to what was on my mind, it was Tamaki I saw first, standing at the front of a Church. He looked older, too old for this to be our wedding. He looked as one imagined a groom to look. Mid-twenties, perhaps. Happy. A little nervous, gradually drifting into the realms of panic. Kaoru squeezed his way out of his seat and came to talk to him.

"Tono..." He said, cautiously. "I'm not being funny, but the guy has another wedding to do this afternoon..."

"No! Wait a little longer!" He pleaded.

So he was left waiting at the altar. I wondered if it was because I wasn't there.

"But, Tono-" Kaoru tried.

"I'm not getting married without my best man being here!" Tamaki insisted. Ah, not me, then. But quite probably my brother. Where was he? I had never dreamt this world without seeing him before.

"Tono." Kaoru tried to reason with him. "We can't wait all day. I'm sure someone could stand in. Hey, I'll do it, if you want..."

"But Kyouya has the rings!" He wailed.

"Someone will lend you theirs, just for the ceremony." Kaoru said, with the pleading air that suggested they'd been through this before. "Just get on with it!"

Before Tamaki could answer, they were joined by a man with long hair. I didn't recognise him because I only saw him from the back.

"You!" He said, not sounding too pleased. "What's the hold up?"

"Ah... Ranka-san... Kyouya isn't here yet, so-"

"That's a shame, but it can't be helped!" He snapped. "My daughter asked me to give you a message. She said: 'Now or never'. I don't think she's very happy."

His tone very much suggested he would prefer 'never', or at least pretended to.

"But...I..." Tamaki froze, indecisive. Sighing, Kaoru pulled his mobile phone out of his pocket and handed it to him. Tamaki phoned Kyouya.

"Kyouya!" He barked. "Where are you?! I should be married by now! We can't wait any longer!"

"We're just coming up to the Church now." Kyouya snapped. "I'm sorry, the plane was late. Now, be patient." He hung up.

"Plane...?" Tamaki wondered, handing the phone back to Kaoru. Before he had time to explain, the door opened. My brother was there with a woman holding his elbow who I'd only seen in a smuggled photograph. Tamaki's mother. How on earth had he found her?

I wish I had been paying attention to Tamaki's face. I wish I had seen the expression it held when he saw her face. As it was, I just saw him running down the aisle and headlong into an embrace with his mother. He was taller than her now. She held him for a long moment. I think she was crying.

"Tamaki." She said, softly, then pushed him away. "Go on, go on, now. It's not me you should be clinging too! I'll see you later."

So Tamaki returned to the top of the aisle, my brother beside him.

"Kyouya..." Tamaki was saying, unable to express what he wanted to say.

"Surprise." He offered, lamely. "I apologise for being late. All did not go according to plan."

"Kyouya-" He said, again, but someone had obviously given the nod to the minister because just then the music began.

I didn't see the bride before I woke up. In the dull pre-dawn light that was just peering into my rooms, I could see the ghostly spectre of my dress, standing in wait on a faceless mannequin. It was covered by a dress bag. I had yet to see it. I wondered what was lying in wait for me.

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A/N: Ahhh, what a U-turn from her father… I hope I explained his reasoning well enough. He intended her to marry Tamaki all along, it was just a gamble to try and make the Suoh more desperate to win her. Or something. XD Disclaimers as standard!

On a note of random trivia, I've been trying to get the idea of Kyouya bringing Tamaki's mother to his wedding into a fic for _ages_. And now I have! Win.

Next time, then, the wedding… thanks for reading!


	8. Seven: Thinking

Seven- Thinking

_It's so we won't think_

My wedding was the happiest day of my life. That is what so many people say. For me, I don't know. It just didn't seem to have that much effect. I'm fairly sure I spent most of it wishing it was over. Like so many other things, the wedding was just something I had to get through before I could get on to more important things. I somehow had myself believing that once I was Tamaki's wife, there would be no more room for doubt. And I would be happy.

The morning was the worst part. Somehow, the time just seemed to fill itself. I got up early, even more early than I was supposed too, and went and bathed just to try and calm the sickness in my stomach. I wasn't sure what I was so nervous about. Then, still early, a maid was sent in to wake me- although this instruction was now redundant- and I was sent to bathe again, and to scrub every inch of myself until I was sure my skin would shine, if indeed there was any left. I wasn't sure of the point, given that I would be wearing clothes, but I was not allowed to leave the bathroom for a good hour. Still in my bathrobe, I was given five minutes to eat some toast, which my mother practically forced down my throat because I wasn't being quick enough. Then it was straight back upstairs to be worked on by the hair stylist and the make-up artist and the manicurist and the pedicurist and, oh, I don't know, the gardener probably. There seemed to be an almost infinite number of people bustling around me and my room. I could only identify what about half of them were doing.

All the while, the mannequin stood watching. I had heard about the groom not seeing the dress before the day, but to keep it from the bride seemed ridiculous. I had only worn it once for the final fitting, but then my mother had insisted on blindfolding me. She said it was to stop me from complaining and making everything difficult when there was so little time. She had been the one to approve the design. I could only infer from that that I wouldn't like the design. I half dreaded it's unveilling.

Finally, my face and hair were judged to be ready. I had yet to be allowed to see a mirror, but I had the vauge notion that my hair was pinned up somehow, while I was sure I had almost enough make up on to make my face peel from my skull. By this time, I was the only one who hadn't eaten any lunch, but I felt too nervous and it was decided it would smudge my lipstick. So instead, I was taken to put on my dress. My mother insisted on covering my eyes, just for a more dramatic reveal. So I got dressed in the dark, so to speak, and felt the shoes placed on my feet. Then it was decided my hair was somehow slightly askew, so I was made to wait even longer. Finally, I was lead in front of the mirror, and my mother removed her hands.

For a moment, I just stared. They had done a good job. I had been expecting a lot worse. I had never before been particularly pleased about how I looked. It wasn't that appearances didn't concern me, it's just I concentrated on looking 'suitable' for the place and occasion. I dressed according to my purpose, and my only concern was if that seemed to be met in my outfit. This time, I understood why people were so excited about dress. I looked good. That was the first time I had ever bothered to consider such a thing.

My hair, then, was put up somehow. I would have called it a bun, though the stylist probably would have told me off for such a thing, because of all the straggling bits that straggled down at the back or, two, in front of my face. She had attacked the limp, straight strips too, and now they curled fetchingly. I didn't have a full veil, to my relief, though there seemed to be some lace pegged into the hair arrangement somehow, a small piece decorating my neck, or so it seemed to me. My make up was not as bad as I feared. Actually, it seemed more subtle then my own occasional attempts. That was the art of good make up, someone told me once, the art of bringing out the features while making it seem as though you wore none at all.

The dress, too, was beautiful. The twins' mother had designed it personally, apparantly, and with me in mind. At the top, it clung to my figure, but the skirt billowed out a little more. The bodice- or whatever one calls it- seemed almost to be plain at first sight, but then you noticed the light embroidered pattern sewn into it. As for the skirt, well, it seemed to cascade. It wasn't enormous, just large enough. I couldn't even begin to identify all the little tricks of stiching, the beads, the patterns, that made it look so nice. Somehow, it didn't even look cluttered. That dress gave me an entire new respect for the tailoring trade. It was, in it's own way, art.

"I still say she needs gloves." The hair stylist dared to say.

"After I made her nails so nice?" The manicurist answered.

"She would look better with gloves." The make up artist agreed.

"Do you think so?" My mother asked, anxious. "But her skin is such a lovely pale colour..."

"Ivory." The manicurist agreed.

"If she wears gloves to the elbow, her upper arm will still show." The hair stylist pointed out. And so, after much debate and my trying the gloves about twenty times, they too were adopted to the outfit; and not a moment too soon. I was bustled downstairs immediately. Waiting in the hall was the rest of my family. Fuyumi gasped when she saw me.

"Kotoko, you're so beautiful!" She cried, dashing to hug me.

"Don't!" My mother cautioned. "You'll mess her."

Slightly regretfully, my sister squeezed my arm instead. I was given standard compliments from her husband, my brothers, and my father; and then I was piled into a car with my parents while the rest of the family was to follow behind. My mother spent the time running me through the guest list, making sure I remembered everybody, what they looked like, and where they would be sitting. This included my bridesmaids. I think, of the three of them, one I had met several times, one I had heard of, and the last seemed to have appeared from nowhere. The first time I would meet her would be when she followed me up the ailse, but it was alright. I was assured they were all very pretty- but not quite as much as me. Of course.

My father, on the other hand, merely reminded me that he was expecting me to behave 'appropriately'. I replied that I would, of course, though how he imagined I could behave inappropriately at my own wedding, I wasn't quite sure.

And, at last, it was time.

Tamaki seemed so nervous when I entered. He had to struggle to look at me, I think. I tried to smile reassuringly, but he just seemed stunned. Something in the way he started to blush slightly made me happy. When he smiled back, I smiled for real. I dared to believe. We would be okay. This would work out. This would be a good thing.

Someone was singing 'Can you Feel the Love Tonight' as I walked down the ailse. I don't know who. I don't know who asked them to. I didn't really notice it. Nor did I pay much attention to the fact that my father was escorting me, possibly the first contact we'd ever had. I can't recall ever noticing who he had chosen as his best man. I missed all these things because, for the first time as I stood before Tamaki, my heart was pounding.

Was this it? Had I finally fallen in love? I wasn't sure. But I repeated the vows mechanically, and in too short a time for it to begin to feel like a reality, the ring was on my finger. There was another on his. After the official prompt, he put his hands to my face and pressed his lips to mine. With that short exchange, we were married. We posed for photographs. People threw confetti as we left. We were just seventeen, going on eighteen.

Considering this was supposed to be the beginning of our life together, Tamaki and I seemed to spend very little time in each other's company that day. We were in the same car from the Church, but as soon as we reached my house I was torn away and the whole process seemed to start again. First I had to scrub and remove all the make up I had worn for the wedding, and wash all the treatments from my hair. I had to have them redone in new styles, and dress again; in a different dress, the reception dress. Once again, there seemed to be some mad rush. A quick check in the mirror- yes, I still looked beautiful, that was the main thing- and I found myself being thrown back into a car and driven to Tamaki's, where I was put into another car that would take us both to the reception. Tamaki was already in the backseat.

"You look tired." He said, smiling.

"I think, if I was moved any faster, I would be having jet lag."

He laughed a little, and kissed me. "Well, I still say you took too long, Mrs Suoh."

"You can't possibly have missed me already." I dismissed.

"Yes, I can. A second apart felt like too long." He said, in his best host voice. Then he kissed me again.

We arived at the reception. Everyone agreed we were a beautiful couple; young, but capable. There were gifts, and speeches. My father gave a very standard one about how splendidly he and Tamaki got on. It seemed the whole thing with the rejection of his proposal had just been a jolly, well-natured joke. Who would have thought it?

We danced our first dance there together. It was nice, in it's own way. I was deliberately wearing flats so I could dance, but it made him seem so much taller than me. When we spun, my head was level with his cheek. It was nice, in a way, to be that close together. I just had to try and forget about all the eyes, watching us, judging us. We span. I forgot, for just a little while. And I hoped. When he kissed the top of my head, tenderly, I hoped even harder.

As the evening progressed, I danced with endless people. Family, my friends, people I didn't even know. Dancing with someone as tall as Mori-senpai was interesting and brief, as was dancing with someone of Honey-senpai's diminutive stature. One of the twins had more grace than the other, though I couldn't place which one, with my attention elsewhere. I didn't dance with Haruhi, and neither did Tamaki. I think he was probably disappointed, when he had to dance with so many of his customers, but with the high proportion of people from school there, there was no way Haruhi could have dressed as a girl; and so no way they could dance. I was secretly glad of it. Tamaki and I were passed relentlessly from person to person without stopping. I remained smiling, despite desperately needing a break. Still, the one who dominated my time that night was Tamaki, although sometimes we had barely a minute to dance before being parted again. It made me happy, to see his delighted smile every time our eyes met, and every time he got to dance with me again. I began to wonder if perhaps it wasn't a delusion after all. Perhaps he did love me, and my own paranoia stopped me believing it. He had once made me promise to trust him to love me, and I had. It was about time I started to fufil that promise, and believe he loved me, believe that I could love him, and believe that we could be happy.

My dreams lasted for most of that reception. Towards the end, as the hour grew late, Tamaki and I were dancing again, swaying close together, my head against his cheek again. Yet I could somehow feel, in his stiffness, that it wasn't me he was paying attention to. Before I had always felt his face, and his attention, had been directed towards me somehow. Now he was looking at something behind me. The man was meant to lead, but I gently directed us into a spin so I could see what had caught his focus.

Haruhi. Of course. She was standing alone, watching the dancers and trying to go as unnoticed as possible. She seemed so lonely, and somehow sad. I wondered if she was finally becoming aware of her feelings as she watched us dance, becoming aware of them just a little too late. I lost sight of her as we completed our turn, and I knew Tamaki had resumed watching her, and worrying about her. I felt a stab of despair. If I didn't even command his attention today, how could I ever win?

"Tamaki." I blurted out in desperation of jealousy. He drew back slightly to look at me, to show he was listening. Yet, I had no idea what to say. Calling out his name had been a childish demand to be acknowledged, like a toddler showing off in front of their parents. I suddenly felt bad, remembering my dream. He had called the father of the bride 'Ranka'. In another life, Haruhi should have been stood in my place. I had the rest of my life with Tamaki. I could give them a few minutes. "Tamaki... Don't you think Haruhi looks lonely?"

"O-oh, I guess she does..."

"Go and talk with her." I instructed, pushing him gently away. "I feel sorry for her."

"But we were-"

"I need a rest." I smiled, to stay the protest. Tamaki smiled back, and pushed his way through the other remaining dancers. I was left standing alone. With the solitude, there was only my emotions, clamouring for attention. I was feeling a thousand different things, from total resignation to burning anger to weeping despair. I stood and waited to see which would overwhealm me first.

As I stood there, however, my thoughts were inturrupted by a group of girls, who had come with their families but attended Ouran. They approached me slightly nervously, and I wondered vaugely if they were actually going to speak to me or if they all hated me now for taking Tamaki from them.

"Um... Suoh-chan?" One of them asked, sounding worried. I may not have realised I was the one being addressed, quite frankly, but for the fact she was looking directly at me.

"Yes?"

"We just... we wanted to apologise!" She gabbled, bowing slightly. Behind her, amidst murmered affirmations of their intentions, the other girls did the same. I frowned.

"You're quite forgiven, I'm sure, but what for?" I asked in confusion.

"We've been unfair to you." Another piped up. "All this time, we thought your relationship with Tamaki-kun had been forced on him by your families and that you didn't... well, really love one another... that Tamaki-kun's efforts didn't, exactly, mean much to you..." She seemed worried she had offended me because she added hastily: "But we were wrong!"

"That's right!" The first took over again. "When we saw you together today, we realised... Oh, you are in love, aren't you?! And... you must have been hiding it all this time for the benefit of the host club customers!"

I remained silent. I never was one for killing dreams. Seemingly overcome, the girl suddenly lurched forward, seemingly on a whim, and hugged me. I had never known such genuine affection in a hug, and it made me feel more dishonest than ever.

"Thank you, Kotoko-san." She said. "And... we're really sorry! I know you'll be happy... you'll make each other happy."

"Thank you." I replied stiffly, and made my excuses. I imagine they thought I had been so touched as to be overcome myself. I was close to tears, yes, but mostly because I felt so dishonest. I had all my illusions that this was a reality so creuly torn away, and their words just made things worse. I hastened out into the garden of the hotel we were hosting the reception in, and breathed deeply in the night air.

I would not cry. I never cried, I did not allow myself that lack of control. Besides, everyone would know, it would smudge my make-up. Yet, tonight, it was difficult. I knew this was my reason. I had known it wasn't going to be easy. I would learn to love him. I would let him love me. That would make up for my brother's death. That would justify my being here instead of him, or so I thought. I could only hope it would be enough.

"Kotoko-senpai...?" Haruhi's voice called to me. She had followed me outside. "Um, are you okay?"

"I'm fine, thank you, I just needed a rest." I forced a smile. "I thought Tamaki was entertaining you."

"I just needed a rest." Haruhi countered, coming hesitantly to stand beside me. "Actually... I saw you leave and I thought you might want to talk; and I think I'm maybe your closest thing to a girl friend, so..." She trailed off, awkwardly, and we stood in silence for a long moment.

"Do you love him, Haruhi?" I asked.

"Who?" She replied, in such genuine confusion it was obvious she was refusing to even entertain the notion of loving another person's husband. "I'm not in love with anyone yet..."

"But one day?"

"Yeah, maybe." She shrugged. "I guess it would be nice, but... what about you?"

"Me?" I forced a chuckle. "Haruhi, you're at my wedding..."

"But... do you love Tamaki-senpai? I know he thinks the world of you."

"Yes. I do." I said, firmly. "I'll admit... I'm a little nervous. We're very young. But I'm sure we'll manage."

"Well, I guess, if you're in love it'll work out." Haruhi said, with a smile that seemed just a little sad. I wondered if she was thinking of her parents again or of herself. "I'm sure you'll be happy."

"I am happy." I answered. "...Thank you, Haruhi. Although, you know, the twins are probably closer to being 'girl friends' than you."

She smiled wryly at the light tease, and excused herself. I stood alone, pondering. A moment later, someone else approached. One of Haruhi's customers from the club, I realised. It took me a second to work out if she was a buisness associate of ours or of the Suoh. She was the daughter of a pharmecutical company, so I assumed ours. She hovered awkwardly for a moment.

"Kotoko-senpai..." She said. "Um, Haruhi-kun said you might want to borrow these!" She pressed something into my hand and left without another word, never breathing the slightest hint of the encounter to anyone else. I uncurled my fingers and saw tissues, and a mascara wand. Horrified, I pressed a hand to my face. It was dry now, but there was clear evidence of make up running. I had been crying without realising it. I wondered if I had been blubbing when Haruhi saw me, or her customer. It was a disgraceful sign of weakness. I got to work cleaning up before I could venture back inside. I left the mascara and the remainder of the tissues on the little stone balcony. I hope she got them back.

I had no idea why I had been crying. Now it was done with, it seemed such a silly thing. I had to remember that more than love, more than fufilling my purpose in living, this marriage had been about buisness. Love was not a factor, not really. It was desirable rather than necessary to the relationship. Tamaki would always love me, or pretend to. So there was no problem. I went back inside, and just had time to catch Tamaki's eye. He was heading over to me, but before we met, I was waylaid by my mother.

"There you are, Kotoko! Honestly, whoever heard of the bride hiding themselves away? But come along, you need to get changed." She began draging me to one of the upstairs rooms.

"Again?" I said, aghast, and was informed that it was almost time for us to leave, and apparantly one could not leave a party in the same outfit one arrived in. This made very little sense to me until my mother snapped:

"Well, if you want to complete a six hour journey in an evening dress, Kotoko, you're perfectly welcome too."

It was then, of course, that I realised an evening dress was not really suitable attire to go on a honey moon in. I removed my make up- for the most part- and my hair was released to fall loose as it usually did. I changed into clothes that I felt more comfortable in- brand new, of course, and a little bit more special than what I usually wore, but trousers and a blouse all the same. My mother insisted I pinned the front of my hair back with some glittering clips, but that was all. It was time to go.

"Mother," I said, for it had suddenly occured to me. "I have no luggage."

"Of course you do." She laughed. "I had some of the maids pack for you. It's all in the car ready for you. And don't worry, I checked to make sure that there's _everything _you need."

The emphasis she put on 'everything' made me feel slightly uneasy, but there wasn't much time for that. I met Tamaki standing just outside the hall, and smiling, hand in hand, we went and bid everyone a goodbye before getting into a car. People waved and called out blessings as we left. As they faded, it seemed very still, and very quiet.

"That was lovely." Tamaki said, eventually, sitting next to me in the dark.

"I suppose so." I agreed. "Although the catering left something to be desired."

He laughed and pulled me close to him. "Uh-oh, I think somebody's tired." He teased.

"I'm fine." I lied, annoyed at his mockery. On the inside, I was snapping that it was half past eleven and I had been up since five, of course I was tired.

"Then you must be unhappy." He sighed in mock sadness. "I thought it was supposed to be the happiest day of your life, but you were more concerned that the sandwiches were a little soggy."

"If they were any soggier, Tamaki, it would require them to be submerged in water." I dismissed. "But... I am happy."

"So am I." He whispered, and held my hand. The rest of the journey passed in silence, admittedly because I must have fallen asleep not long after that. I did not dream of my phantom. I was certain I never would again.

At any rate, the next thing I became aware of was Tamaki gently shaking my shoulder in the early hours of the following morning.

"Kotoko, darling, wake up. We're here." It was obviously not the first time he had called me, but at my lack of response, he tried again. "Sweetie, we're here..."

I, however, did not want to move. I wasn't awake enough to process what he was saying and dismissed the voices as irrelevant, seeking deeper sleep.

"I think I'll have to carry her." He remarked in amusement to the driver. "Could you please go and unlock the door?"

Something in the phrase 'carry her' wormed it's way into my brain, and tried to rouse the rest of me, warning of the embarassement factor. Yet it was too late. Grunting just slightly, Tamaki somehow pulled me up into his arms. Years of strict diets meant I was very light, but still, it can't have been easy to take me up so gently. Embarassement curled in my stomach, and I stirred properly, dragging my eyes open.

"Tamaki?"

"Just carrying you over the threshold." he joked, softly. "Ssh, now. Go back to sleep. It's okay. I'm sorry I woke you."

I did as he said, because I was tired, and because I didn't want to be aware of what was happening because it was too humiliating to be thought about. I was vaugely aware of being placed gently down on a bed; he took my shoes off and covered me over. The first night of our marriage passed like that, and nothing like the 'wedding night' jokes the twins had been making for the last month.

I still did not dream of my phantom. Oblivion was blessed.

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A/N: Ahaha, a short chapter. My apologies for that, but we'll see a lot of variation in chapter length from now on because, well, it was hard to know where to divide the story up. I hope it'll all work out okay. And I'm about to try uploading this at college, so lets hope it works, ne? :D Disclaimers as usual.

On a note of random trivia, I had a really hard time with Kotoko's dress for the wedding. Really. The gloves/no gloves debate was one going on inside my head, haha. Oh well!

Next time, then, it's the honeymoon chapter. I wonder what they'll get up to? (And it _might _not be what you think. One hopes. XD) Please join me then!


	9. Eight: Happiness

**NOTE: **This chapter sees the introduction of some adult themes, for those of you who don't like that kind of thing. However, please note that it's 'themes' and not 'content'. XD Basically, those of you who are about to become worried, please don't. :P

Eight- Happiness

_What do we do now, now that we are happy?_

The next morning I woke up fully clothed, alone in a double bed. More precisely, it was the same morning- as we had arrived at around five am- about four hours later, when Tamaki woke me gently.

"Breakfast!" He said cheerfully. "I made it for you, as we have to fend for ourselves this time!"

"We do?" I asked, blinking in confusion.

"Yes." He answered, looking slightly embarrassed. "Apparently, our parents thought we might appreciate the 'alone time', so they gave the staff here the time off."

"Oh." I said, not sure what else to say. Tamaki then hastily placed an admittedly poorly made breakfast tray in front of me. Toast and cereal, nothing too ambitious, so it was presumably still edible. Still, I had never liked breakfast in bed.

"Shall we sit at the table?" I suggested, and we moved to a small dining room. There was a wooden table there, set on a laminate floor in front of a large window looking out on the ocean. It suddenly occurred to me, as I woke up, that I genuinely had no idea where we were. Tamaki laughed when I asked, but told me we were in a little coastal town called Hoshigo. I had never heard of it, and he assured me hardly anyone had. Apparently it was usually a commoner holiday hotspot, and the money was made because those that did discover it came back again and again. Still, it was off the tourist path, so it was quite beautiful. Haruhi had been there as a child with her mother and father, apparently. We were staying in a small cottage on the cliff top that was available for hire. I asked if the driver had gone home too, and what we were to do.

"Well," Tamaki replied, easily, "If we find a need for a car, we can always hire one."

"You can drive?" I asked in surprise, and he broke out into a huge grin that suggested he had been searching desperately for a situation to tell me without ruining the dramatic unveiling.

"Yes!" He said happily. "I learnt last month! I thought it might be useful. Are you surprised?"

"Yes." I admitted, and wondered privately if he would be surprised that I had been taught to cook in the time of our brief engagement. Apparently it was a necessary skill for a wife, if she was going to have servants or not; so I was obliged to spend most afternoons after school in the kitchen with my parent's cook, assisting with making the meals. It seemed it was a good job. Judging by the mess Tamaki had somehow created just with cereal and toast, I may have starved otherwise. "Did you pass your test already?"

"That's right!" He sang. "Apparently I'm a natural."

"You're a natural idiot..." I countered, but quietly, so he couldn't hear me. I quickly turned the discussion to the day's activity. We weren't sure what we should do, so in the end, we had a wander around the town- which was mostly little inns and restaurants- and on the beach, as well as lazing around in the house. I wanted to read, so I went to fully investigate my suitcase. Two, in fact. That morning I had dug no deeper than for a change of clothes and the basic toiletries in the smaller of the pair. These things had been on the top. Now it was time to discover what had been meant by 'everything'.

There were clothes, to begin with, lots of them; and many of them unfamiliar and new. Then there were shoes, seemingly endless pairs. There had to be one for every day we were going to be away. Then there were the other things. Some were innocent, like tissues and sanitary items 'just in case'. Others... were not. For one thing, there was lingerie so skimpy I wasn't even quite sure how I was to put it on, which I wasn't about to. For one thing, it would probably give Tamaki a heart attack when I rarely even wore a skirt above the ankle. For another, it looked uncomfortable in the extreme. However, it was fairly clear that the point was not to keep them on for very long. Perhaps my parents were hoping for a honeymoon conception of a grandchild.

"What are you doing?" Tamaki asked, entering the room.

"Nothing." I barked, shoving the underwear away and making a mental note to burn it later.

"Alright." Tamaki replied, hovering awkwardly in the doorway. Before we had been able to sit quite comfortably in silence, sometimes for entire afternoons. I suppose now we were married we felt something should have changed between us. I know what was weighing on the back of my mind. There were certain 'marital expectations' that we had yet to fulfil. I wondered if Tamaki was waiting to. I was his wife, it was what we were _supposed _to do. He was probably just waiting for me, but I hadn't the slightest idea how to begin. I wasn't even wanting to, particularly. There were a lot of different views of sex, but I was fairly sure it wasn't supposed to be seen as a chore.

So instead of fulfilling certain marital expectations, we snuggled up on the sofa together and watched films. The subject wasn't raised. Nor was it raised that night as we went to bed. For a moment we stood awkwardly by it, and, unable to take the tension any more, Tamaki announced he would get changed in the bathroom, picked up his pyjamas and left. Embarrassed, I quickly changed into my own nightdress and stood by the bed for a moment, shivering slightly in the cold. The truth was, I didn't like nightdresses very much at all. I normally wore conventional pyjamas, but these were all that had been packed for me. I wondered with a slight twist of dread what Tamaki's intentions were. What was I supposed to do? Should I pose on the bed somehow?

Then I decided definitely not. If he wanted something, let him initiate it. Personally, I was willing to put it off for as long as I could. I slid under the duvet and waited. After a little while he joined me, slipping in on the other side. We wished each other goodnight and lay awkwardly in the darkness, as far from one another as possible, stiff and still. I was still acutely aware of how close he was. Did he want me to behave as his wife? I didn't know.

I didn't sleep much that night. Still, I was glad when it was over. I arose early and made a proper cooked breakfast for us both. That was one 'wifely duty' I could fulfil. The smell of bacon must have woken Tamaki, because while I was frying it, he came and wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his head on my shoulder.

"Mmm, it smells good..." He said, sleepily.

"Yes, well, it'll be done in a moment if you let me get on." I countered, trying to wriggle out of his grip.

"I'd rather not." He said, in his silken host tone, and suddenly I was being dragged back. He sat down on a chair and I somehow ended up on his lap, still holding the fish slice I had been using.

"Tamaki." I said, torn between irritation and amusement. "The bacon will burn."

"Tough." He teased, and kissed me. I bore this patiently for a moment, hoping it would all be fine, but I didn't get away in time. There was the faintest wisp of smoke and the sprinkler system was set off. An indoor downpour began.

"Ahhh!" Tamaki shrieked, as it came down directly on his head- and on everything else.

I couldn't help it. I laughed. There was something so ridiculous about this whole situation. Tamaki started laughing too, and we sat there, almost in hysterics.

"It's been so long since I saw you laugh." He murmured, playing with a sodden strand of my hair.

"It's not my fault you look so absurd." I informed him as the sprinklers finally clicked off. "Great, and now we can start cleaning up."

It was a nice day, and bizarrely, certainly the one in which we most acted like a couple on their honeymoon. As we cleaned, it was inturrupted by many water fights, joking tiffs, and kissing. We were closer than we had ever been. We went out for dinner in a place where we could watch the sun setting over the ocean. We took a long stroll in the cool night air afterward, and when we got back, the dark feeling that had been creeping on me all day made itself ever more known. There was only one reason Tamaki would be behaving this way. Tonight, the third night of our marriage, was to be 'the' night.

Nerves clamoured at my stomach and mind until I felt sick. Yet, I had to do it. I was his wife, it was my duty. My reason. I just had to lie back and try to enjoy it. Tamaki was clearly anticipating it; he seemed a little nervous, and blushed whenever he glanced my way. He went to get changed again, and I did the same. I wondered if I should break out the lingerie after all. Would it help? But the idea made me feel even worse. I would just lie back, close my eyes, and wait for it to be over. I put on my nightdress instead, and busied myself by straightening the bed instead, trying to calm my nerves. I looked up only when I heard the door opening. Tamaki stood there self-consciously in his pyjamas. All the buttons on the shirt were done up wrong.

"How did you get in such a mess?" I tutted, going and undoing them. "Here, let me."

"Kotoko..."

"It's okay." I joked, going to do them up again. "What else are wives for?"

"Kotoko." He said again, voice quivering slightly. "Leave them." His hands grasped mine. I felt they were trembling a little. I wondered if he was as nervous as I was. If so, why were we doing this?

There was no time to think. We sat on the bed and kissed, but got no further. We might have done. His shirt had slid off somehow. Surely my clothing would have been next, if Tamaki had only had the courage. But he stopped, because of me.

"Kotoko? A-are you okay?"

"Fine. I'm sorry." I answered, not opening my eyes from where they had been squeezed shut, trying to block out memories that had so suddenly surfaced. "I'm sorry... I... I was just thinking about that time after the photoshoot."

I dared to open my eyes, just in time to see Tamaki's look of shock fade into one of sorrow. I don't think either of us had realised until then just how much that event had effected me. I had buried the memories deeply away where I hadn't been able to see them. Now they reared their heads again, and the fear I was so ashamed of returned.

"Kotoko." Tamaki said softly, and, I noticed, with no small relief. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry! Don't feel you have to do anything you don't want to! It's okay. It's okay..." He embraced me briefly. That night we went to sleep just as we had the night before, awkwardly, on opposite sides of the bed. We never spoke of what we had almost done.

That night, my phantom returned. He wasn't happy.

At first, my dream was dark. There was nothing in it but the voice, hissing, whispering and furious in both ears at once.

"What are you doing?!" He demanded. "What are you playing at?! Do you think this is your reason?! I thought you were trying to find it! Don't you know what your reason is?!"

"Leave me alone." I tried, willing my voice to stay level, but it quaked anyway. "Show me my brother. Why aren't you showing me my brother?!"

"You want to see your brother?!" He answered angrily. "Fine! Here he is! See the life lost instead of yours!"

A million images. One after another, too fast, all at once, overlapping, on top of one another. Words. Voices. Thoughts, emotions, a deluge of abstract concepts I could not grasp; a lifetime in a second and a thousand scenes in a moment. The images came too fast, and too furiously, like flashes of colour, all I could feel was anger and fear. I could make no sense of them, nothing would stand still, and yet there was something terrifying in that. I was lost. There was no 'I'. I saw a world where I did not, should not, could not exist and yet I saw it. I was to disappear, dissolved into the images racing past me. There was nothing to hold onto. My head hurt with a pain that was unimaginable, I couldn't think, couldn't see, could only feel as I disappeared-

And then I was in the bed with Tamaki. I was myself, in my place, yet I knew I was still dreaming. I sat up slowly, filled with a feeling of dread. Just for a second, a fleeting moment, I saw him; and he saw us. Kyouya saw us. Dreaming of me. I was nothing more than a dream. And he saw me.

"Kotoko! Sweetheart! Wake up!"  
I awoke once again to Tamaki shaking me. "Kotoko, darling..." He said, gently, sounding almost amused. He probably thought it was 'cute'. "Are you okay? It seemed like you were having a nightmare."

I wanted to answer him, but the terror of the dream had yet to shake itself from me. I could barely breathe, I certainly couldn't talk. Yet my thoughts raced. He had seen us. He had dreamt us. And that whole life. Was I real? Was I here? What was happening? I didn't know what I was so afraid of, but it wouldn't go away.

"Kotoko?" He asked again, turning on the light. I wasn't expecting it, it was too sudden. He saw my tears before I could hide them. "Darling... you're crying..."

I covered my face with my hands. They were trembling.

"Oh, Kotoko..." He whispered. "Come here. Don't cry..." He pulled me close, and any self-control I'd scraped back was immediately vanquished.

I don't remember much else about that night. I dread to think what Tamaki thought. It must have frightened him too, to see me in such a state. I had never shown this side of myself to anyone before. But he swallowed it back, and held me close, stroked my hair. I said 'He saw us... he saw us, he saw us...' and Tamaki said 'ssh', or 'there's nobody here', or 'it's just me. You're safe, you're safe'; and reassured me as if I was a child. I went back to sleep eventually, and he still didn't let go. We lay there together until dawn.

I woke up first, because his breath was tickling my ear. I looked at his sleeping face, and between the recollection of what had passed the night before- and what hadn't- and the sudden awareness that we had never before been so close together, I blushed slightly. Only slightly, though. Frankly, I had never really been one for blushing. If anything more than the very tips of my ears were lightly flushed, it meant I was at the ground-swallowing stage. I untangled myself as best I could from him and went to shower. When I remerged, he was already dressed and looking at the cooker in confusion.

"Don't touch it." I instructed. "You'll probably set yourself on fire."

"Ahh! Kotoko, sweetheart, good morning!" He said, with false cheeriness, coming to embrace me. "...How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." I said lightly. "And you?"

"I'm famished!" He declared, dramatic as always.

"I'll fix us something." I said, with false cheerfulness of my own, fetching eggs from the fridge. "Boiled or scrambled?"

"Scrambled!" He cheered, as I knew he would. Personally, I preferred boiled. I scrambled the eggs. It took me sometime, but then, I hadn't much practise. Tamaki said it was delicious, apparently forgetting that I was eating it too and knew it was mundane at best. Still, it did the job, and then we did our job of wandering again around the town, determined not to raise the subject of the dream, or what we had not done.

As we walked through the town that day, along the sea front, we heard strange music, played by amateurs on a pipe and drum. Someone was singing, too. When I recognised the words, I couldn't help slowing my pace a little.

_"Come unto these yellow sands, and then take hands: Courtsied when you have, and kiss'd, The wild waves whist..."_

"What is it?" Tamaki asked, stopping. I stopped too, looking down onto the beach. There was a space marked out across the sea front, and people sitting on the sand before it. With their back to the ocean, some actors were playing out _The Tempest. _"Oh!" Tamaki said, delighted. "They must be a local amateur company..."

I did not reply, watching Ferdinand and Miranda's first meeting as it unfolded, watching the actors playing out the story right there on the beach, without a scrap of scenery and no effects, home-made costumes, and not for any pay. Just for the joy of acting. The beach was their desert island; Prospero's cell was no more than a knee-high rock they could sit or stand on. The Boatswain and Adrian were played by the same man. Yet they performed anyway, right there on the beach, bare feet in the sand, their backs to the sea. The people watched, but they weren't needed. There was something very free about it all. We leant on the railings above the beach and watched.

"You really love Shakespeare, huh?" Tamaki asked me quietly while Caliban, Stephano and Trinculo were chased around the sand by local children on their hands and knees, posing as dogs. "You seem so happy just watching."

"Literature peaked in the Elizabethan period." I answered, and he laughed. In the meantime, the action had escaped from it's allotted space and into an amused audience, who screamed and scattered away. To my surprise, Caliban launched himself suddenly into the air, clinging onto the railing right next to me. I stepped back out of his way.

"Afternoon, miss." He said, with a wink, and then gave a farcical scream as the 'dogs' forgot they were limited to all fours and with much barking dragged him down onto the beach. I was fairly sure this scene was not as long in the original production, but it was fun to watch, in it's own way. Various members of the audience got bored and moved on, others arrived to watch. Tamaki and I stood the whole time. He left me at one point, and returned with hot drinks, but that was all. When the play was over, we still remained, and joined in the polite applause. It was getting later by this time, so we went to a restaurant for a meal. As we waited for our food to arrive, I found myself thinking of Caliban, who looked to be about my age, but had spent his Saturday on the beach playing at being a monster and had clung onto the salt-stained metal. He, it seemed, was free.

"Kotoko?" Tamaki asked, sounding a little anxious. "What's the matter? Is your ring too tight, darling?"

"No." I assured him, ceasing to twist the ring; something I hadn't even realised I had been doing. "It's fine."

"You seem lost in thought." He commented. "What are you thinking?"

"I was just thinking about the play." I answered.

"Oh, yes?" Tamaki smiled. "It was nice seeing it in the open air like that, wasn't it? If you want, we'll have to go and see it done properly when the season starts!"

"Done properly...?" I answered vaguely, looking out of the window. "Do you think so...?"

It seemed to me it had been done properly out there. Out there on the beach, barefoot in the sand with their backs to the sea.

"Perhaps you should try acting one day." Tamaki suggested. "I'm sure you'd be good at it!"

"I can't play my own emotion, let alone anyone elses." I answered. "Besides, would you really want your wife walking the boards?"

"No." He admitted, raising my hand so he could graze his lips over my fingers. "I want you all to myself."

"You married me, didn't you?"

"Yes." He smiled. "I did. And I'm happy."

"So am I." I answered.

"And we will remain happy." He said. "I promise. I will never love anyone else."

Our food arrived. We ate it before it became cold.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

A/N: Meh, I hope that note at the top didn't give too much away, but I felt duty bound to put it in. Just in case. XD Like they could sleep together right away anyway. Tamaki's definitely not one to force himself on a girl and I don't think Kotoko is the sort to really want to do that kind of thing. So, we have an 'almost', for now. XD Disclaimers stand as usual.

On a note of random trivia, when I was writing this, I was revising for an A-level English exam on (can you guess?) _The Tempest _and _Waiting for Godot_. Hahaha, I'm such a cheat. (But I did get an A :D)

Next chapter, Kotoko and Tamaki return home and to school. Between pressure from her parents and jokes from people from school, I wonder how she'll bear up…? Well, actually, I already know. XD It was rhetorical! Still, please join me then.


	10. Nine: Subsision

Nine: Subsision

_Indeed all subsides. A great calm __descends__._

Tamaki and I returned from our honeymoon on a Saturday. It felt strange to pull up to his house and realise it was to be my home from now on. Apparently my things from my parents' home had been sent ahead while we were away, and should by then have been 'arranged' by the staff. Still, it was strange, to try and picture myself living at the second Suoh mansion. To be sure, I had spent a lot of time there over the years, but I knew no matter how long I stayed there, I would always see it as Tamaki's house.

"Here we are." He said, as we pulled up. "This is the part where I have to carry you through the door, right?"

"No." I shot back. "We already did that part." I got of out the car quickly, before he could start whining about traditions. I made it to the door, but just as it opened, Tamaki came up behind me.

"Too late." He whispered in my ear, scooping me up into his arms.

"Tamaki." I hissed, annoyed. "Put me down. This is humiliating."

"If we don't, we'll have bad luck!" He insisted, and stepped over the threshold. "There."

"Put me down." I repeated.

"Only if you kiss me first." He teased.

"No." I refused, flatly, and he put me down with an exaggerated sigh and pout.

"Is this all our marriage is to be?"

"Yes." I said, smiling coldly, and he laughed.

"Back for five minutes, and already so much noise." Shima-san emerged into the hall, feigning annoyance as always. "Tamaki-san, Kotoko-sama. Welcome back."

"Shima-san!" Tamaki greeted, loping over to hug the elderly housekeeper, who, I couldn't help feel, had become something of a surrogate grandmother to him. "Hello! I have so much to tell you! And you must see the photos! It was an amazing trip!"

"And yet, in the meantime, your wife looks dead on her feet." Shima-san sniffed. I guessed then, as she later admitted, that she didn't approve of our marriage- at least, not at such a young age. She hadn't thought Tamaki was ready, and had advised his grandmother against it in the strongest of terms. Unfortunately, his grandmother had cared very little for Shima-san's opinion, and so here we all were.

"Oh, no, Shima-san, I'm fine." I said, but her words had already done the damage.

"I'm sorry, Kotoko!" Tamaki cried. "I didn't realise how late it was, sweetheart, I won't keep you up."

"Tamaki." I said, firmly. "It's only ten pm. I'm fine, honestly."

"Then I can show you around the house!" He perked up immediately. "Come on!" With that, he grabbed my wrist and began to pull me up the grand staircase.

"I have been here before," I pointed out. "Numerous times, in fact. Indeed, this must be the fifth tour you've given me at the very least."

"This time is different!" He insisted. "It's your home too, now, so we've made a few changes."

This took me aback a little. "You did?"

"Yes." He smiled. "We knew we needed a room to suit you, so..." He stopped outside a door, and bowed. "After you, princess."

Normally I would have rolled my eyes at his theatrics, but today I was curious to see what he had done to the room behind the door. Previously, if I recalled correctly, it had just been one of many spare bedrooms. When I opened the door, however, I found it had been redecorated. The walls had been painted a pale blue, with a dark blue carpet, just as my room had been in my parent's house. Indeed, all the art work, prints and paintings, that I had hanging on my walls there had been put carefully up here. My other things were here too, apart from my clothes. Three of the walls were lined with bookcases. Two of them, perhaps, were filled with books I had previously owned. The rest were packed full with goodness-knows-what. When I examined them under closer inspection, I found almost the entirety of the small library that the house had contained before. While it had been hardly a fifth of the size that the main house boasted, I had spent a lot of time in there. It seemed most of the volumes were now installed in my room; every one I had ever borrowed or looked at, in fact, every one that could possibly interest me was there. There were some I'd never seen before too, that he had ordered specially to 'welcome' me. I was happy, and touched by his thoughtfulness. Yet it was touched with a hint of sadness. Very soon I would have a lot of time to read.

I forced myself not to dwell on that, and to examine the rest of the room. I smiled when I saw that he had brought up my favourite easy chair from the library too, with it's lamp. Apart from the books, there was also a television and a shelf of my CDs and DVDs, with a small settee put before it. There was a desk and a chair placed in front of the window. When I saw it, I suddenly recalled a stupid conversation Tamaki and I had once discussed. My room was being redecorated at the time. Tamaki was trying to make me more enthusiastic about it.

"But a new colour can make all the difference!" He had tried.

"It's staying the same colour, Tamaki."

"Oh, didn't you fancy a change? Variety is the spice of life!"

"I like blue. Anyway, it doesn't really matter what colour it is."

"Of course it does!" He'd protested. "You spend a lot of time in there, so it has to suit you."

"It doesn't suit me." I'd dismissed. "It seems silly in a house this big that I sleep and dress and work all in the same room. What I'd really like is for it to be divided properly so I could have a study."

He had suddenly grinned broadly, like he always did when he had an idea. He didn't reveal what it was, though, saying instead: "That's kind of cute, Kotoko!"

When I saw the beautiful wooden writing desk, I realised he'd remembered what I had forgotten myself. He'd made me a study.

"Do you like it?" He asked me anxiously. "If you don't, we can change it."

"I like it." I replied, not sure what else to say. "Thank you."

He just smiled, and took my hand again. "There's a lock on the door if you want to keep me out." He joked, and started to lead me out. "We changed things in the bedroom, too. Come see."

I went. I saw. Although, to be honest, there didn't seem to be much of a change. An extra wardrobe had been brought in, and my old dressing table that I had owned for years, and some of my toiletries had been sorted into the cupboard in the attached bathroom. The biggest change, it seemed to me, was itself quite minor. The bed had been moved more into the centre of the room. It seemed far more prominent. Yet it was the same double bed he had always had, even with the same covers. It was ungrateful, I suppose, but I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. To me, it was his bed, and whenever I slept in it, I would just feel like a audacious guest. I wished we could have moved into a different room, or a different bed at least. Yet, for all the things he had thought of, that probably had not occurred to Tamaki.

So, on a Saturday night, I slept in Tamaki's bed for the first time. Just as on our honeymoon, I took the left and he took the right. Since the night that I had panicked at the nightmare and he had held me, we weren't quite so shy with one another. It seemed my bad memories and my fears were not awakened if we held hands. That, then, was what we did. That first night in the Suoh mansion, Tamaki held my hand, and we fell asleep facing one another, just as I had done with Fuyumi as a child when the darkness frightened me. Tamaki's hand was bigger than hers, but didn't feel quite as safe. I knew that his presence would not stop the phantom. Since the first unexpected attack on the honeymoon, I had seen him every night, and had to stifle my gasps when I was startled awake to avoid disturbing Tamaki. I was getting good at it.

That first night in his house, I dreamt of my phantom and my brother again. I hadn't had the vicious attack of images again, just the usual. Tonight, I saw my father.

"You're being ridiculous!" He thundered. "How dare you? Show some respect."

"Respect has to be earnt." Kyouya dismissed, coolly. "Or, if it can be expected on virtue of being human, perhaps you should also respect me."

"This is an important meeting for us, Kyouya. If you are not there-"

"I've told you, father. I apologise, but the Host Club has had a long-standing event and it's necessary for me to attend."

"The Host Club? Necessary? Have you lost all your perspective? You will be at this meeting, Kyouya, or it will be so much the worse for you."

"I'm afraid I can't." Kyouya said, just as firmly. "Please excuse me."

With more cheek then I had seen him possess before, he left the house with his dignity in tact. I knew the scene later would be far worse, and without dignity, as my father punished him. Still, I couldn't help but admire his gall.

"Do you want to see what happened next?" Asked the silken voice from the darkness. "Do you want to see what happened when his father arrived at that event...?"

"No." I whispered, but it was no use. The darkness cleared again, and I recognised the Host Club there, entertaining adults- presumably parents. When father walked in, my phantom made sure I got a clear look at Kyouya's look of shock which was quickly smoothed over. I could feel, though, the nerves he would never show on his face as he stood and approached. I think everyone was surprised when my father slapped him across the face, right there, in public. His glasses fell to the floor. Things went dark again.

"And then, do you want to see what happened?" My phantom chuckled.

"No!"

Too late. Things were starting without me. Tamaki in a car, Tamaki leaving. Hikaru thrown to the floor. Haruhi flying from a bridge. Kyouya, surrounded by father's men. No escape. No resolution.

"You see..." My phantom hissed, as we saw Haruhi disappearing further into the water, as the men refused to obey my brother. "Do you want to find your reason, Kotoko? One night can make all the difference."

Things went black again. I could see nothing, and there was nothing to hear but the ghostly chuckle of a single voice.

One night could make all the difference. I could quite easily imagine what I was supposed to fill it with.

The twins certainly thought so. The moment we returned on a Monday morning, there were 'Every room in the house' jokes coming thick and fast. Finally, tidying up after the club- in which, after his absence, and many girls still feeling sorry for him being 'trapped in a loveless marriage', Tamaki was in high demand- they really went for it.

"So, what did you do, Tama-chan?" Honey-senpai was asking, having still not had chance to really hear about the honeymoon. Before Tamaki could answer, however, the twins were there.

"Isn't it obvious, Honey-senpai?" Hikaru smirked.

"They hired a cottage because there are fewer rooms to... bless." Kaoru teased, wickedly.

"That's not the reason at all!" Tamaki immediately rose to the bait. "How dare you even suggest such a thing! What Kotoko and I-"

"Okay, maybe that's not why you hired the cottage." Kaoru shrugged.

"But I bet that's why you wanted to marry her, right, Tono?"

"What?! No, I love Kotoko very much, so it's only natural that we got married!"  
"And you weren't getting any." They chorused, laughing.

I had been trying to ignore them up to this point, but I'll admit their teasing got to me then; mostly because I could picture Tamaki replying that he still wasn't, and then I would have to dig myself a grave and lie in it. Not before making him fill his, of course. I missed his reply, however, because Haruhi was speaking to me.

"Shouldn't you stop them?" She said, sounding extremely irritated. "Doesn't it annoy you?"

"Stopping the twins from teasing Tamaki is like turning the tide." I replied, trying to remain calm- outwardly at least. "And I really have no desire to be part of a discussion about my marital relationship."

Unfortunately, it seemed I wasn't to be given the choice, as just then the twins appeared suddenly behind me and wrapped their arms protectively around my waist and stomach.

"There's only one other reason people get married so young..."

"You knocked up Kotoko-senpai, didn't you?!" Hikaru accused.

"No, of course I didn't!!"

"Fiend." Kaoru glared.

"Pervert." Hikaru agreed.

All this made Tamaki go absolutely ballistic, to their great amusement. They had missed a fortnight of 'Tono-baiting', but were making up for it fast. For my part, I was determined to stay out of it as much as possible. I did, however, catch Haruhi giving me a strange look.

"Haruhi." I said, quietly. "I am _not _pregnant."

"I know!" She said, hastily. "The twins just made that up. It's not like I thought you were already."

She seemed so relieved, I couldn't help but add:

"At least, not as far as I know."

It was spiteful of me, I know. To this day, I couldn't really tell you why I said that to her. She just so obviously liked Tamaki and was refusing to admit it even to herself. If it wasn't for me, I knew, a few years from now she would be marrying him herself. In another life- a life that was not mine. In the real world, my brother's world. I knew all this. And yet, somehow, I still resented her. I was trying so hard to believe I loved Tamaki, and she was trying so hard to believe she didn't. Yet, she still seemed relieved that I had not yet given Tamaki a family. So I said that horrible thing to spite her, and remind her that I was his wife.

This I hadn't really gotten used to yet. I kept missing my name when registers were called because it had been moved to accommodate my new last name. Some people, including the girls who had tried to make peace with me as the wedding, had taken to addressing me as 'Suoh-chan', as much as a sign of acceptance as anything else. It was still strange waking up in someone else's house everyday, though I wasn't home sick. We had gone back to visit my parents on the Sunday between our return from the honeymoon and restarting at school, and I was grateful that I no longer had to live in that cold house, if nothing else. I didn't have to think too much about being Tamaki's lawful wife, though. Really, as we sat together- or I went to my study- and worked at catching up on the school work we'd missed, it was just like every other time we had studied together. When we ate together, it was much like all the days we had dined together before. When we sat and watched films some evenings, or as I sat and read, as he played his piano in another room, it was much like it had been when we were dating. The only difference was that I slept in his bed. Some nights we would cuddle. Most nights, however, when the light was turned off, I could almost forget he was there.

And so, our time passed that way. School, club, home. On the weekends, we would go out, and on a Sunday, go to visit our parents- We would stop in with his father first, and then mine. I know which I preferred. Tamaki's father was so much like him, and he doted on me. I think he was delighted to have a 'daughter', in some way. Certainly, it seemed I could do no wrong. Sometimes I wondered if he was doing the same as Tamaki, and had determined that he would not show me that I was not really loved. I played my part, too, of being loved and being in love. We all did. And we tried so hard, that everyday, I could believe in the illusion a little bit more. So, months passed that way. Mori-senpai and Honey-senpai graduated and left the school. Tamaki was sad for a little while, but the club continued. Life continued. Third years, in the main, were snowed under with school work and University applications. The latter didn't apply to me, obviously, but I tried not to think about it. Tamaki eventually decided it wasn't for him either- probably because it would necessitate getting a new flat or house for during the term time, as I couldn't stay on campus. It wasn't like he couldn't afford it, but I think he was getting tired of letting his family support both of us.

"I'll go straight into work." He told me. "It's time I looked after you myself."

"Can you do that?" I asked.

"Yes." Tamaki assured me. "Father's happy for me to begin my work in the company now. He says I can learn as I go, so..."

"Oh." I said. "But... University is an experience, Tamaki, you should think carefully before deciding you don't want to go."

"I have. " He said, firmly. "I don't want to go."

I wasn't aware of what his grandmother had told him. That they had paid for me to live in this house, they weren't paying for his university too.

I didn't wonder very much at his decision, I'll admit. I had too much else to think about. Not in the least the increased work load of our final year and the day to day running of the club, or even how sad Tamaki seemed on days when things were awkward with Haruhi. They went in cycles, getting ever closer, then remembering and pulling back, whereupon he would lavish attention on me and she would move closer to the twins. It wasn't even the day to day running of the club, or the household, because there really wasn't much to do there. I was trying not to dwell on my dreams of my phantom or that once we graduated I would be nothing more than a housewife. What bothered me more were the whispers. At school, a rumour seemed to do the rounds every couple of weeks that I was pregnant. You would have thought, as we were married, that would have all been fine and above board, so that was gossip I didn't mind. The worse was the gossip that was right. That I couldn't be pregnant, because Tamaki and I were so estranged from one another that we didn't even sleep in the same room.

This wasn't quite right, of course, but still, it bothered me. We never talked about it, and I certainly didn't know how to bring the subject up. Tamaki hadn't tried anything since we had been on our honeymoon, and I had thought then that he had seemed relieved. Yet I was starting to worry if I had been right or not. It was expected of me as his wife to be intimate with him, yet I couldn't. I felt dread setting in just thinking about it. And he, ever the gentleman, put it down to my bad near-miss experience and never pushed me. I knew that it was more than that. I didn't want to sleep with Tamaki, quite simply. I feared it and dreaded it. But was it fair to him? Was he was relieved as me not to have that pressure, or was he just waiting for me...?

Every night, I dreamt of my phantom, and he shouted at me for the shadow of my life. Marrying Tamaki, I realised, had not been my reason. I was beginning to wonder if I even had one.

One Sunday afternoon, I was at my parents house alone. Tamaki had been all for coming with me, but he had a fever, and so, like the good and dutiful wife I was, I had sent him back to bed and marched into hell alone. My father had been clearly waiting for this opportunity. It was almost time for me to leave when he handed me a leaflet.

"What is it?" I asked, to which he replied I should read it before I asked. I did. "_What_?!"

"Don't shriek, Kotoko." He said.

"Fertility treatments?" I spluttered. "W-why are you-"

"I don't want to know the details." My father waved his hand. "But there are ways to find out which one of you is the problem, and ways to deal with it. You should think about it."

"But... why?"

"Kotoko." He sighed. "You're young, and yet, you've been married over sixth months now, and you're still not expecting. People are starting to talk."

"We are young, and that's why." I lied, primly. "Tamaki wants to finish school before he has a family."

"Very commendable, I'm sure." My father sniffed. "But he would do well to remember it's you who will carry it and care for it. Unless you get a nursemaid, of course."

"I don't see what the rush is." I replied, determined not to concede. "We married very young, so we wanted to finish high school first."

"You singular or plural?" He sighed back at me. "Tamaki-kun may indulge your every whim, Kotoko, but it's about time you appreciated your purpose."

"My... purpose?"

"Yes, in life and in your marriage." He sniffed in reply. "You weren't put on the earth to be as your brothers are. You're not destined for great things in academics or business. Your lot is simple. Your marriage to Tamaki was to cement an alliance. Now you are there for the express design of bearing him children."

I couldn't reply. I was thinking of my phantom and my brother. Recently, as I had watched my brother and listened to his poisonous words, I had begun to wonder if my reason to be was something grander, if I was meant to stand up to him as Kyouya would have done. Yet it seemed not.

Perhaps, I thought, the dreams would go away when I did as I was supposed to and gave Tamaki a child. Wasn't that why my mother had argued I had been saved when my brother hadn't? My heart thudded uncomfortably when I realised what I would have to go through to achieve such a goal. Yet no-one had ever told me it would be easy, and I was never one to back down from a challenge.

It was on my mind all day. To give Tamaki a child, and make the dreams go away. Have a child, and achieve my purpose. Maybe our child was to change the world. For us to have a child, and be a family. Be happy, be fulfilled, in having a child. That evening, Tamaki was feeling better by dinner time and came out to eat with me. Still, he decided on an early night just in case, and retired at about nine thirty. For half an hour, I wavered, and then, I remembered I was by blood an Ootori, and that determination ran in my veins. At ten o'clock, I followed him, got ready for bed as usual, and climbed in next to him. My luck was in- Tamaki was still awake, and, as he often did, pulled me closer to him.

"Goodnight, Kotoko, my love." He whispered in my ear.

I said nothing for a moment. Could he feel my heart pounding with nerves? I don't know how much time passed before I finally said, quietly:

"Tamaki?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"....I'm ready now."

I felt his skin grow hot as he realised what I meant and blushed. Unlike me, he blushed vividly and easily.

We did our best that night. It wasn't as bad as I'd feared.

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A/N: Ahahaha, they finally did it. It only took them what, a few months? That's because they didn't want to! So why did they? Ahh, silly people. Still, maybe this will be the reason Kotoko needs? You'll have to wait and see. :P Next time, she finds out a story quite similar to her own, which may come from an unexpected place… Disclaimers stand as always.

On a note of random trivia, while I'm posting this I'm listening to _The Goon Show_. :D No, I really can't think of anything else to say here. Thanks for reading!


	11. Ten: Time

Ten- Time

_We have time to grow old. The air is full of our cries. _

The first time was the worst, but after that, it got better. What I remember most about that first time was the following morning. Normally a maid came in and woke us, but I daresay she came in this time, and when we did not immediately stir, she had to look in. After that, she was probably embarrassed, and went to fetch Shima-san. True to form, Shima-san did not bat an eye at the two of us tangled together- thankfully beneath the duvet- and simply said:

"Tamaki-san, if you don't both get up, you'll be late for school."

We got up, and immediately started blushing. At least mine were not as noticeable as his. Still, we could not look at each other. I escaped to the bathroom and showered and dressed. Tamaki did the same in another bathroom. We were unusually quiet at breakfast, which was a little worrying, but then, in the car on the way to school, he gripped my hand reassuringly. I knew then that it was fine.

There was one moment during that day that I particularly recall. Considering the amount of jokes the twins had made at our expense, I was quite surprised that afternoon when, after a lunch time where Tamaki and I had barely glanced at one another except for the occasional smile, we stood to leave, and I heard Kaoru mutter to his brother:

"They've done it."

I really did blush then. Was it that obvious, and in that case, was it obvious we hadn't before? I tried not to react, as it seemed Tamaki hadn't heard; and tried to pretend I hadn't either. For the rest of that afternoon, however, I did try to watch Tamaki from the point of view of an impartial observer, and I noticed something too. He seemed constantly embarrassed or nervous or pleased by turns. I wondered if I was giving out the same signals. If I was, no wonder Kaoru had us all worked out.

I kept a careful, almost paranoid check on my body language after that. I also studied Haruhi's, but she behaved no differently. Kaoru had obviously decided not to divulge his theory to her. I was glad of it- we were safe.

And then I wondered why, even so many months into my marriage, I still felt like I was somehow stealing Tamaki from her; why I felt like an illegitimate mistress hiding on the sides and trying not to be caught. What Tamaki and I's relationship was or was not was nobody's business but ours. I had to remind myself of that constantly.

Still, there was no denying that something changed between Tamaki and I that day. There was something desperate in our nights together, if we went further we could tell ourselves we loved each other more. We needed that confirmation, or I did. In the day, we felt happy or criminal in turn, and both gave a sick thrill. And the nights we did, I did not dream of my phantom. This, then, was my reason. This time, it had to be. I was sure of it.

Considering how sure I was, I really should have realised sooner. It was a Saturday morning, rain was tapping on the window, and we were sleeping in late. I was awake, more or less, but in that pleasant state of half consciousness where I wasn't thinking too much; not enough yet, to be embarrassed at the intimacy. I had not seen my phantom the night before, and for once, I felt peaceful. It occurred to me, when I pressed my forehead to Tamaki's, that mine was much warmer than his, and that might have something to do with it, but I pushed the thought aside. It felt pleasant.

Then the nausea started. No time to be gentle or gradual. I jerked away from Tamaki, startling him awake, and ran for the bathroom, tugging on my dressing gown as I went. I made it just in time, and erupted over the toilet bowl. The room smelt of vomit.

"Poor Kotoko..." Tamaki murmured, sleepy and sympathetic, rubbing my back as I finished what I had begun. "You're really not very well at the moment, are you? I should have made you stay off school the past few days."

"I think I have a fever this morning too..." I replied, taking deep breaths. The nausea was beginning to subside, as it always did. Unfortunately, I still felt full of cold, my temperature high, my head aching, and my sinuses blocked.

"Perhaps you should see a doctor." Tamaki was saying, worriedly. "This is the fourth morning you've had sickness like this, and I've never known you to get ill before…"

Something of his sentence finally got through my foggy brain.

_Morning... sickness._

I froze.

"Kotoko, sweetheart? Are you okay?" He asked me, full of concern.

I ignored him, performing some mental calculations. It was possible. Entirely possible. And with the morning sickness, very probable. I ran from the room.

"Kotoko?!"

I ignored him again, dashed past him. I had started down the stairs, and to my great relief, saw Shima-san passing in the hall below.

"Shima-san!" I called, panicking slightly. "I think I might need-"

"A pregnancy test?" She completed, mildly. "I thought you might, Kotoko-san, so I've had one placed in your bathroom cabinet."

I loved that woman, and her efficient ways; though if she had suspected I was pregnant, I wished she had said something. I dashed back to Tamaki's room, past a confused Tamaki who had thankfully not heard the exchange, and into the bathroom. He went to follow me, but I slammed the door and locked it. He remained, bewildered, outside; as I dug out a test and, not letting myself think about it too much, used it.

Those were the longest minutes of my life, waiting for the result; though my high temperature stopped me really thinking anything specific. When it came, I stared at it for a moment, and then put it down, not sure if I was relieved or not. I sat on the floor by the bath, thinking, but not about anything in particular, a swirl of fever in my mind. Someone knocked on the bathroom door.

"Kotoko-san." Shima-san called. "Let me in, please."

"Is Kotoko alright?!" Tamaki was asking, anxiously. "Tell me what's happening!" He begged.

"You will wait here, Tamaki-san." Shima-san replied sternly, as I took the lock off the door. She came in and locked it behind her, as I went and resumed my position by the bathtub. She went and examined the stick for herself.

"Congratulations." She said, without smiling.

"Thank you." I answered, without smiling.

"Are you pleased?" She asked.

"I'm not sure yet." I confessed. To my surprise, the fierce old lady came and sat down next to me, right next to me, on the floor of the bathroom.

"And why might that be?" She asked, mildly.

"I'm not sure I'm ready to be a mother." I said, feeling ridiculous even saying it. The concept was entirely foreign to me.

"No-one ever is." Shima-san dismissed. "That's why nature gives you nine months to get used to the idea."

"The pregnancy is the bit I'm dreading." I said. "You hear such stories..."

"I'll be here to help, Kotoko-san." She said. "It's not my first time, either, so you needn't worry."

I frowned, not sure what she meant. "I didn't think you had children, Shima-san?"

Shima-san snorted. "Of course not. But you're not the first woman I've helped through a pregnancy." She paused slightly. "Did you ever wonder how I came to serve the Suoh family?"

I shook my head. In all honesty, I had assumed that she had simply been employed like all the other servants. Still, I thought this would offend her, so I did not voice it.

"Then allow me to tell you a story." She said, simply, and she did. She told it in her usual, straight-forward, matter-of-fact way, with no nonsense, even her emotions such as they were, were all reported as fact. Sitting on the floor by the bathtub, Shima-san told me a sad story. Her story, and that of Tamaki's grandmother.

Shima-san, as it turned out, had not been born into the domestic class. In fact, her family had been great, once, making carriages and then cars and vehicles. The company had fallen on hard times, she revealed, thanks to her grandfather's poor management and the Great Depression of the 1930s. Still, it got by, and in a facade of respectability- her father knowing image was as important to credibility as any stock and investment portfolio- they had saved and scrimped in order to send Shima-san, their only daughter, to a respectable private girls school, in this case Lobelia academy- even then, the elite and the best. It was there, Shima-san told me, that she met Honeka Kurami. Who would one day become Honeka Suoh, the mother to Tamaki's father, and grandmother to Tamaki himself.

The Kurami were an old-money family. They had disappeared into obscurity by now, because when the Americans came after the war, they stripped them of much of their wealth; as they did to so many aristocratic families. The Kurami were one of the last to go, however, and at the time were still very much important. They ended up in the same class, and were assigned seats next to each other. In comparison to her, Shima-san knew, the daughter of the Kurami may as well have been a princess. She was pleased, therefore, to take the friendship as it came. I was sceptical at first, but Shima-san assured me, in those days, neither of them had their old age or their bitterness. Life had not yet marked them. Honeka was a girl with a bright smile, and she smiled often.

Even then, Shima-san told me, she could see the beginning of her subordinate position. Honeka had the confidence that could only come with wealth. She didn't realise doing her favours could cause trouble for people. They did, Shima-san said, but she was willing to do them; because when Honeka decided to help you, she did it with all her heart. Besides, she simply didn't realise when her demands were too much. No-one could call her arrogant. Ignorant, certainly, but also beautiful and generous when the occasion arose. If something interested her, she was devoted to it. And it was true, Shima-san said, of their friendship. Her parents were delighted. So was Shima-san. Here was someone, she said, who didn't look down on her because of her lack of wealth.

Shima-san commented then that, in that respect, Tamaki was like her. I got a chill at the words, and prayed Tamaki would not age like his grandmother had.

The difference was, though, that Honeka was very aware of the value of wealth, and had it in mind to change her friend's situation by helping her marry above her station. So, whenever the Kurami had a dinner party, or a ball, or anything of the sort, Shima-san was brought out and paraded. It was at one such gathering that they met Teyan Suoh. Tamaki's grandfather. Honeka loved him, and as she loved him, she was devoted to him. Shima-san was aware of this, and so, treated him with every kindness. He did the same for her, dancing with her, and speaking with her, just as much as he did with Honeka. For a time, the three of them were inseparable. Everyone said what a fine young couple Honeka and Teyan were. Honeka loved him.

And so did Shima-san, there, in the dark corners of her heart that she refused to give light to.

It was an ugly business, she muttered quietly, when the engagement was decided. They were at Teyan's house, in the parlour, being served tea. He was only in the next room, talking with his father. When he lost his temper, his words were clearly audible.

"Marry Honeka? Father, I thought I was obvious- I am in love with Shima!"

"Shima-san?" His father had repeated. "Don't be absurd."

"I'm not, father, I have already resolved I will marry her."

"Marry her! Marry Shima?! And who is her family? What are her connections? No, my boy, you be realistic and marry the Kurami girl. It would be the smartest move. And she's very pretty."

Shima-san had frozen, unsure what to do, until her friend stood and said she would see herself out. Shima-san followed her, protesting that she had not encouraged him and that she would not marry him even if he asked her, at which point Honeka replied:

"Shima, if he asks you, you would be mad to turn him down." She said. "He loves you, but he would also be mad to ask you over me given our relative positions. One of us will lose here, and one of us will win, through neither fault nor effort of our own. I don't hold you responsible for his words. We will wait and see."

A few months later, Honeka and Teyan were married. Shima-san was a bridesmaid, where she belonged. Everyone agreed, the bride and groom were a beautiful couple. Not so long after the wedding, Shima-san said, her family's company ran into serious difficulty. At that time, although they had only kept in touch by the occasional letter, Honeka stepped in to help. Shima-san lowered herself, and took on a role as a kind of lady-in-waiting or companion, helping to run the household. Their friendship was rekindled, then, in the long hours alone in the house while Teyan worked. On one occasion, Honeka admitted, her lack of communication was because she had feared Teyan still loved Shima-san.

The problem was, however, he did. By this time, Shima-san said, Honeka was beginning to change. Entrapment in a loveless marriage, with a completely uninterested husband, had carved the first lines of cruelty around her mouth. Still, she was trying. Things were made worse, because, as hard as Shima-san tried, she was bound to bump into Teyan around the house. In those meetings, his affections were obviously as strong as ever. As for Shima-san, I daresay she kept her feelings as hidden then as she did when she told me the story, in the bathroom of the second Suoh mansion. Honeka must have noticed too. Those were the days, Shima-san said, when she felt she stopped being treated as a friend and confidant and more as a servant with ideas above her station. Honeka fought even harder for Teyan's attention. She succeeded to some extent. When she was hanging over a toilet bowl with morning sickness apparently far worse than mine, she was grateful.

"I'll give him a child." She said, happily. "Then he will love me."

She was convinced it would work, and was happy for a time. So was Teyan, pleased that he would soon be a father, proud of his wife's ever more conspicuous bump. For a little while, they were a real couple. When his son was born, Teyan couldn't have been more pleased.

Yet still, it wasn't enough. Teyan would still find reasons to talk to Shima-san, unconsciously watch her whenever she was in the room. He was trying, Shima-san said, to forget his feelings just as she was. But it was not enough. There was nothing they could do. They were tightly gripped by emotions they could not act upon, but that they could not escape from. Shima-san busied herself, while Honeka was pregnant, with looking after her friend and preparing for the baby's arrival. I'm sure Honeka would not have gotten through that time without her, from the sound of things. While she was pregnant, Honeka claimed Teyan's attention, and Shima-san was finally pushed aside just a little. As the child was born, and grew, and started to toddle, Shima-san became the focus again, despite everyone's best efforts. Things ended very quickly.

"Shima." Honeka said, one day, as Shima was pouring tea for both of them. "I'm having you moved."

"Excuse me?" Shima-san asked.

"You're being moved. I don't need you here any more." She dismissed. "I want you to go and look after the second mansion."

"Honeka." Shima-san said, tentatively. "Is this because Teyan...?"

"You will address me as Suoh-san!" Honeka snapped. "And don't act innocent with me! I know you have slept with him!"

"I haven't!" Shima-san protested, shocked. "How could you believe that of me?"

"Well, fine, maybe not physically." Honeka sneered. "But you're encouraging him! Why else does he dream of you?! As long as you're here, he will not look at me!"

"If I have done anything to encourage him, it was by accident." Shima-san swore. "Now, please, reconsider. All the maids respect my authority here. And your son! Haven't I taken good care of him?"

"Yes, as if _you _were his mother!" Honeka snapped. "You're lucky I'm not firing you, Shima-san, and the only reason I haven't is out of respect for a past friendship- though it seems you don't mind betraying me!"

"I haven't."

"You will start at the second mansion today." Honeka said, firmly. "And if you don't like it you can leave!"

Shima-san went to work at the second mansion. She had nowhere else to go. She had forgotten everything she had known about moving in society's circles, and she had no connections behind her- her family's company had gone. Marriage seemed to be out of the question, at least in that social circle. She had nothing to do but continue her work. Not that there was much to do in the second mansion at the time. No-one lived there except herself and a few other servants; most of them came and went. Yet, they stayed, making sure the house was immaculate in case the Suoh ever came calling. They didn't. Still they stayed, and cleaned an empty house.

Then, many years later, it was not empty any more. Tamaki had arrived. Shima-san's duties, I knew, would not have technically increased as he was already too old for a nanny, but she quickly took him and his education in hand. Tamaki had told me all about Shima-san, and how she would constantly lecture him in etiquette and behaviour, brutally stripping away anything of his French culture that would contradict Japanese manners. When he struggled with anything more than basic kanji, she herself had been his tutor. She had been harsh, Tamaki said, but patient, cajoling him through many long hours. He was fluent enough in terms of spoken language, but had little practise in reading and writing, and Shima-san went to amend this. I remember one occasion, before we even started dating, when I first visited Tamaki; I went into the house, only to find everything was labelled with thousands of post-it notes. I had been shown into a sitting room (also covered in yellow labels), and had been wondering why the television was labelled as 'toothbrush' when I had met Shima-san for the first time. She had informed me that Tamaki was 'practising' and I was not to correct him yet- he had to recognise his own mistakes.

When I heard Shima-san's story that day, sitting on the bathroom floor with a positive pregnancy test on the side of the sink, I thought back to that time, and wondered if she too was looking back and recognising her own mistakes, such as they were. All she had done was fall in love, take a job she needed, care for a child. They were only mistakes with hindsight.

Something of her story stuck within me, scared me a little. "I will give him a child, then he will love me.". That had not worked out too well for her. Was Tamaki's grandmother some twisted omen of my own future? Would a life of always being second twist me as it had her?

I had a strange moment of calmness then. I suddenly recognised that it already had. I was tormented by nightmares, obsessed with my dead brother, convinced there had been some sort of supernatural reason he had died while I lived, sure I had to find my own fate.

I was going mad.

The thought scared me, and I calmed myself down. I wasn't going mad. Finding my reason was no more than anyone else did. I was just more aware. Besides, I was still aware, I still had my senses. The dreams showed me another world, but they weren't driving my mind mad. They were merely my motivation, my driving force. The way my phantom reminded me to get on with things.

Yet, surely he would leave me alone now. I was pregnant, the child was on it's way. I had achieved my purpose. This was my reason.

"You needn't look so worried." Shima-san was saying next to me, though I had completely missed whatever had preceded it. "I will be happy to help you, Kotoko-san. Now, I see you're shivering. You're clearly unwell- it's time you went back to bed." Surprisingly spry, she climbed to her feet, helping me up too and leading me to the door.

"Shima-san." I said. My moment of lucidity had passed, the fever sending my mind back into a fog. "Shima-san, is this fever from the morning sickness?"

"Of course not, Kotoko-san." She said, impatiently. "You just have a cold. It's unfortunate that the two have coincided, but it can't be helped. You just need some rest." With that, she took me out of the bathroom and over to the bed, where she pulled back the covers and fixed me with such a look that suggested she expected me to reoccupy it immediately. I was glad to comply. My head was starting to ache, and I had a feeling sleep would be the best way to escape dozens of thoughts buzzing in my head like bees. I was almost glad of the fever. Everything had taken on a strange dream-like quality, so finding I was pregnant had not been as much of a shock.

"Shima-san!" Tamaki was protesting as Shima-san went to leave. "What's wrong with Kotoko? You must tell me!"

"You will cancel the club on Monday," Shima-san said calmly. "To accompany Kotoko-san to the clinic after school. In the meantime, she needs rest. You will come with me now and not disturb her."

"Is she very ill?" Tamaki said, frightened now.

"No." Shima-san snorted. "She just has a fever. Sleep will be the best cure."

"But... if she needs to see a doctor... it must be more serious! Can't we just call the family doctor to come here? We shouldn't wait until Monday."

"You are worrying unnecessarily, and Kotoko-san will need to be seen in a clinic. Come on, now, out you go. I really must insist that she is left alone."

"I'll be there in a minute." Tamaki said, reluctantly. I heard Shima-san sigh and leave the room. Tamaki came over beside me, sitting on the bed, and squeezing my hand. "Do you want me to call for the doctor, Kotoko, sweetheart?"

"No." I said. "I'm really fine. I'll just have a nap."

I considered telling him then and getting it over and done with, but then I thought he would, as I had, connect the fever incorrectly with the pregnancy and panic. It was better to wait. Besides, tests could be wrong. Perhaps I would just let the doctor tell him.

"Alright." He said, smiling kindly at me. "Sleep well, darling."

I tried to, but I saw my phantom. It seemed he would not leave me alone until the child was born. Still, I was glad to see my brother. No matter how old he was when I saw him, he always seemed to be doing so much better than me.

Tamaki came to bed later that night, and felt me stir.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. "Did I wake you?"

"No." I answered. "I was awake anyway... I slept a lot today."

"How are you feeling?"

"Better. I think I'll be fine in the morning."

"Good. Now, go back to sleep. Goodnight."

I let him lie down and get himself settled before I spoke again. I had decided to get it over and done with after all.

"Tamaki? I'm pregnant."

I felt Tamaki freeze in shock, and determined to go back to sleep before he could regain animation and start interrogating me.

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A/N: Hmm, maybe this chapter was a little irrelevant, but once I thought of it, I had to put it in. When I started this story, I wanted to draw parallels between Kyouya and Kotoko, but in this chapter it was more parallels between her and Tamaki's grandmother. Who's name I could not find _anywhere_. Seriously! So if I got it wrong, I apologise.

On a note of random trivia, I can't help but feel Kotoko needs to meet a Tohru. I get the feeling a lot of Ouran fans also like _Fruits Basket, _so I think I can say that! I'm re-reading the manga (again) right now, and no matter how many times I do, I love it. I feel like I've watched them grow up… But I only have volumes 1-21, so nobody spoil the end for me!! Anyway, I'd like to write a story like that one day, where people care about the characters that much. Oh yes, disclaimers as usual. (Of course).

Next time, then, Kotoko has a pregnancy to get through- and Tamaki to deal with. Something finally happens to Haruhi, the twins put in an appearance, and will it be a boy or a girl? Hee hee, you'll have to wait and see! Thanks for reading!


	12. Eleven: Muck

Eleven- Muck

_I get used to the muck as I go along_

The amount of congratulations we received, you'd think we'd solved world hunger, not conceived a child. My parents, at least, finally seemed satisfied. Tamaki's father was overjoyed and depressed by turns at the idea of being a grandfather. Personally, I wasn't sure what to make of it. After all, I wasn't a mother yet. I was just getting gradually fatter.

Actually, I hadn't really wanted to advertise the fact that I was pregnant. I had tried to argue with Tamaki that if it was made generally known, the Host Club would suffer. I had pointed out that many of his fangirls still chose to believe he had not wanted the marriage and had agreed only for the good of his family. However, it was unlikely he would have been able to conceive a child in the same way. When I pointed this out to him he got a little embarrassed and agreed I was right. He did, however, tell the other hosts.

Silence reigned in the room for a moment. I shifted uncomfortably under the scrutiny. Finally, the twins broke out into a smile.

"Haha, are you sure about this, Kotoko-senpai?" Kaoru asked me.

"Yeah, I don't think the world needs any of Tono's genetics wandering around." Hikaru teased, to Tamaki's immediate offence. He launched into a detailed rant about his genetics were just as good, if not better, than anyone else's, and eventually the twins had to take it back to stay the flow.

"Calm down, Tono, we're teasing you." Hikaru laughed. "Well, congratulations."

"Yeah." Kaoru agreed. "We'll get you lots of cute baby clothes!"

"And maternity clothes for you, Kotoko-senpai. You love pink, right?"

"No." I said, flatly, and they laughed again. Haruhi had said nothing, but when she saw me looking at her, forced a smile.

"Ah, congratulations!" She said. "Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?"

"Boy." I answered, at the same time as Tamaki cried "Girl!". We looked at each other.

"Oh, you... want a boy?" Tamaki asked, sounding somewhat disappointed.

"You want a girl?"

"I don't really mind!" He back-pedalled furiously. "But... little girls are so cute..."

"But if it's a girl..." I began, and stopped myself. I had been going to say she would end up living the same sort of life as I had. Yet, it wasn't Tamaki's fault, and really, I had it better than most. It would upset him, if I finished that sentence.

"Well, how about this?" Tamaki said cheerily, when I trailed off. "We won't find out! Then you can hope for a boy and I can hope for a girl and it'll be all square! Not that I really mind which it is..."

And that was we agreed, for whatever reason.

Behind us, as we talked, I heard another whisper from Kaoru. "What are you going to do?" He asked Hikaru. I put it from my mind.

Of course, time passed, and I was well aware we could not hide my pregnancy forever- for obvious reasons. Within a very short space of time, or so it seemed, my stomach was straining against my school dress. Besides, Tamaki made it very obvious as he fussed over me even more than usual. When I was at the uniform store getting a new dress with room to grow in it, someone finally asked me, rather awkwardly. We had agreed that we would not deny it. So I told her, yes, I was pregnant, and soon everyone who hadn't already guessed, knew.

I needn't have worried about Tamaki's hardcore fangirls becoming disillusioned. They instead chose to believe that my child was another man's, and Tamaki was- ever the gentleman- covering for me so I wouldn't be discredited. Tamaki fervently denied these rumours. I think they upset him a little, too, and he did his best to find out how it had started. He never did find out who it was, because it was started by the one person beyond suspicion- me. All it had taken was my 'accidentally' dropping a leaflet for a DNA testing process, and their imaginations filled in the gap. I didn't even have to fake a note telling my lover he would never see his child.

I still can't tell you why I did it. I suppose I was acting for the benefit of the club. Yet, if I had let it go unchecked, let everyone know the child was Tamaki's, and that we weren't completely estranged, he might have eventually had to leave the club. And then he wouldn't see Haruhi any more. Spreading the rumour surely made everything worse for me. I don't know why I did. Perhaps to make myself feel better. Perhaps it was to test Tamaki, without allowing him an excuse to escape temptation; or a test for myself, to see if people were willing to believe such a thing of me.

I didn't feel better. Tamaki was a perfectly faithful husband, of course, and never spoke to Haruhi for more than a few moments at a time and never alone. People were perfectly willing to believe it of me. And besides, I don't know why I did it.

Towards the end of my twentieth week, Tamaki had another shock.

"...I won't allow it!" He declared, when he regained movement. "You can't!"

"Why not?" Hikaru glared.

"Haruhi... Haruhi is your sister!! How could you?"

"Have you not seen his act?" I asked, offhandedly.

"She isn't my sister." Hikaru said at the same time. "Why shouldn't I date her?!"

"Well, because she's... she's... you're too young!" Tamaki tried.

"What?!" Hikaru snapped. "You're only a year older than us, Mr father-to-be! I mean, Tono, you were _married _at our age!"

"That was different!" Tamaki bristled. "Kotoko and I had already been together a long time and we were very much in love-"

"So you started dating even younger?!" Hikaru raged. "Fourteen, was it? So what's your basis for saying _we're _too young?!"

The argument raged on. No-one noticed as I gave a gasp, a mixture of surprise and pain. "Tamaki." I tried.

"There's a difference between mental age and physical age! Kotoko knew I would never ever take advantage of her, whereas-"

"Oh, so now you're calling me a pervert?!"

"I've seen the outfits you want to put her in! You-!"

"Tamaki." I said again, a little louder. Still, I was ignored.

"Senpai!" Haruhi suddenly snapped. "It's nothing to do with you, so stay out of it!"

"But... Haruhi, I... you can't want to date him!"

"Tamaki!" I snapped myself, grabbed his hand, and pressed it to what had become known as 'the bump'.

He looked confused for a second, and then- he broke into a smile, looking from the bump to my face and back again.

"Is that...?"

"Yes."

Our baby had started kicking. The tension in the room fizzled out as everyone was distracted by the 'miracle of life'. The twins wanted to come and feel for themselves, of course. I was, of course, watching Haruhi, and wondering. It seemed they had been on several dates already, before Tamaki had caught wind of it. I wondered why she had agreed. Perhaps she had never dared realise her feelings for Tamaki. Perhaps she didn't have any. I hoped not.

Tamaki, on the other hand, I knew had not realised his feelings. Wasn't it obvious, as he yelled at Hikaru, that he was jealous? How could he not know? I doubt it had ever even crossed his mind that he could love someone else. I wondered what he made of his feelings inside his mind. What did he put them down to? Did he really think it was just because he thought they were too young, or because of what it might do to the club? I couldn't guess what was going through his mind.

As for Hikaru, it was painfully obvious to me. He had liked Haruhi for the longest time, after all. He must have known, somehow, of the hidden feelings between Tamaki and Haruhi, even as neither of them gave those feelings any liberty of movement, did not acknowledge them. He had been standing aside all this time, I thought. Even when Tamaki had married me, he had waited still, just in case. But now... now, I was to give Tamaki a child. And we all knew that, when there was a child involved, Tamaki would never consider leaving me, no matter what. It was the final straw. Tamaki and Haruhi, even if their feelings were realised, and grew, would never be together now. But they never would be realised. They would never allow themselves to consider it.

Something about it all made me want to cry. I was getting more and more emotional nowadays. I wondered what had happened to my Ootori mask. My phantom had robbed it from me. Either that or it was pregnancy hormones. I pushed the feelings aside.

Surely this was best for everyone? Tamaki and I could be happy if I no longer had Haruhi to worry about, and when we were a real family. Haruhi would make Hikaru happy, and I was certain he could do the same for her. We would all be happy. This was a happy ending.

Tamaki was distracted all day. When we were in the car on the way home, I took his hand. He looked away from the window in surprise as the contact snapped him out of his brooding.

"Tamaki." I said. "Don't worry about Haruhi. Hikaru really likes her. He'll take good care of 'your daughter', I'm sure."

"No, I..." He began to protest, but then trialled off.

"You should worry about your real daughter." I added, looking pointedly at the bump.

"I thought you were hoping for a boy." Tamaki smiled.

"What I hope makes no difference, I don't get to decide."

Time passed. We didn't see Hikaru and Haruhi act very couple-y. True, they were together more, and sometimes we caught the smiles that passed between them and wondered how people failed to notice, but they were never very affectionate so as to not alarm the fangirls. The relationship was kept more or less secret. Then again, when it was Haruhi, I wondered how affectionate she ever got even in private. Like Tamaki and I, I was sure Hikaru would have to be the one to kiss her or hold her or take her hand first. Still, I wished them every happiness and all the luck I could offer. Hikaru's family was not as strict as mine. If he fell in love with a commoner, I'm sure his parents would be delighted; particularly his mother. She would finally have a girl to dress up.

As for the bump, it grew and grew, as pregnant stomachs tend to. Eventually, I was unable to wear the uniform at all, but got special permission to wear my own clothes. The twins had made good their threat of maternity clothes, but thankfully, no pink ones. I dreaded to think what they would give to our baby when it was born. Their mother was onside for that too, now, so it seemed our child would have more than enough; especially taking Tamaki into the equation.

The moment I was out of the first term, the panicking had begun. There were only six months left, and to him, that equated to nothing at all. He had set about getting one of the spare rooms converted into a nursery and was constantly buying baby toys and so on. This was going to be the most spoilt child around and it hadn't even been born yet. He also fussed endlessly over me, as I got bigger. I was on a strict diet, although he decided to eat it too in support. I really didn't mind either way, although it was entertaining when I got the strangest cravings.

"Tomatoes." I said, one day, when he asked if I'd like a snack.

"Tomatoes?" He'd repeated, bewildered. "But you don't like tomatoes."

"No, but right now, I want one." I answered, and because you did not argue with a pregnant woman, that was what I had. On it's own. Tamaki had one too, though I don't think he really wanted to.

"Tamaki, you don't have to eat it because I am." I said, irritably.

"But I want to!" He said, taking another bite to show willing. "There's so much I can't help you with, darling, so I want to do what I can!"

"You eating tomatoes doesn't help, it's just annoying." I told him, but he insisted. This continued in such a way that, not long after, I told him with perfect seriousness that I had a craving for radishes in curry sauce and custard. He believed me, of course, and after blinking a few times was all ready to go and eat some. I grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Tamaki, I was joking." I sighed. "...You're really devoted to this, aren't you?"

"I'm devoted to both of you." He said, crouching down so he was at my level, and kissed me. When he broke away, he added: "I read a study that said we should read stories to our baby even before it's born, so-!"

"Tamaki." I cut him off. "I am not sitting here listening to you reading fairytales."

There is one other occasion during my pregnancy that I remember vividly. It was on Christmas day, as it happened. We had woken up, and started to move, when he suddenly blurted out:

"Kotoko, love, would you come out with me today?"

"Where to?" I asked, curiously. We had spent Christmas Eve with my parents and would be seeing his father on Boxing Day. I didn't know where else there was for us to go.

"Back in France, I... always went to Church with my mother on Christmas day. I've been a few times since coming to Japan, but I didn't make it last year, so..."

"...You want to go to Church?"

"It is the reason we celebrate." He said, quietly. "Oh, well, it was so much more a tradition in France... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."

"No, I'll go, if you want." I said. "It's not an unreasonable request. If you want to go, let's go."

So we went. I had never been into a Church before in my life. I'm not sure how to explain the experience to people sceptical of religion. I was a sceptic myself, at that time. Still, there was something very peaceful in that place. No, that's not quite right. The place was buzzing with a kind of joy and excitement as these people gathered to celebrate, but there seemed to be a peace underlying it, built into the very walls. These people had problems, I know, and I'm sure they grumbled and suffered like everyone else. But still, there was hope in that place. After the service finished, Tamaki went to get some tea from the little table at the back, and a woman came over to talk to me.

"Hello there," she said, obviously trying to make me feel welcome. "Merry Christmas."

"You too." I answered stiffly, feeling sure I was going to get a lecture on being pregnant at my age, and outside of marriage. Most people didn't think we would be married so young. It had happened before.

"When are you due?" She asked, and I was even more certain it was coming.

"March." I answered. "My _husband _is very excited."

"Yes, he seems quite an excitable person." She laughed, looking over to where Tamaki was getting chatty with one of the elderly ladies serving tea. "So you just wanted to see what a Christmas service was like?"

"I suppose."

"Will you come again?"  
"Probably not." I said, thinking she was far too forward.

"In that case." She smiled. "The mad religious woman will leave you alone. But before that, I just want to say... well, God Bless. Merry Christmas."

"Thank you." I blurted, as she stood. "But I'm really not looking for religion..."

"No-one ever is." She shrugged. "But God is everywhere. He might just sneak up on you. The shepherds and the wise men and the angels didn't find Jesus in a Church. Your reason might be somewhere you don't expect it to be. Still, if you don't want God Bless, I'll say good luck."

With that, the rather odd woman left. Tamaki came back to join me, looking concerned when he saw my expression.

"Who was that?"

"No idea." I said in reply. "...Are you ready to leave?"

"Y-yes..." Tamaki said, and helped me up. I would have run from that place if I hadn't had the ever-larger bump to carry around. I put it from my mind, in a place where it could not be seen. I knew where my reason was, and it was not somewhere unexpected, it was not in a Church nor in a stable. My reason was inside me, waiting to get out. I was sure of it. Then my phantom would go, I would have justified my living when Kyouya had not, and all would be well. I couldn't let her words phase me.

Time passed again, and my pregnancy neared it's end. I was due towards the end of March, and yet, a week and a half before the due date, I was still in school. Tamaki was getting worried. He wanted me to leave school, but our final exams were only a few days away. I desperately wanted to finish High School. If I could only sit the final exams, I could graduate. I tried to explain this to Tamaki.

"Kotoko, sweetheart..." He pleaded, gently. "Please. The doctor says you should have stopped going weeks ago..."

"You told me I could graduate, before we got married." I said, fiercely. "I am going to graduate, regardless of what you say."

"But it's dangerous!" He protested.

"I have to graduate!" I snapped back.

"Even at the cost of our child's safety?!" He demanded.

"I'm going to school, I'm not fighting bears!"

"You might as well be!" Tamaki replied, more furious than I had ever known him. "This is ridiculous, Kotoko! You're due in a few days! This is dangerous! I am _asking _you to _please_ stop going to school!"

"No!" I shouted back, stubbornly.

"Be reasonable!" He pleaded. "You _can't_, Kotoko!"

"I'm going to graduate!"

"Why?! You don't _need _to!"

There was a long silence.

"Is that what you've been thinking, all this time?" I asked, coldly. "It's all been a game to you, hasn't it?! Indulging my little whims so you get to show off our married bliss at school?!"

"That's not it!" He denied. "But it's just stupid now. Stop being so stubborn! You've basically finished High School! You can stop now."

"No, I can't."

"You're not going." Tamaki commanded.

"Is that an order, head-of-the-house?" I spat at him. He looked guiltily at me for a minute, then looked away.

"I tried to reason with you... but if that's what it takes, then yes!" With that, he left the room, slamming the door behind him.

We had never dared have a serious argument before, but the next day, he went to school without me.

Finally, one day, the kicking was worse than usual. It hurt. I was in the bathroom. I had been trying to relax in the bath, but hadn't even got that far- I had been all but unable to move once I got through the door. Eventually, I realised it was time. Two days before the due date.

Tamaki wasn't at home, of course. He was at school, half way through sitting an exam. I staggered into the bedroom, wishing I hadn't been ignoring the labour pains all morning. I had expected my waters to break, I had thought that would be the sign. Of course, some women's never did, and others never noticed, but I had been sure I would. Or did it happen closer to the actual birth? I didn't know. It hurt, now. Finding my phone, I called him.

But, of course, he didn't answer. His phone was turned off, sitting at the bottom of his bag, at the front of an exam hall. Where I should have been, instead of squatting in the bedroom, desperately trying to call him.

The first thing I thought was that I wasn't going to give birth unless he was there to watch all the squidgy unpleasentries that I had to go through. I refused. An Ootori didn't need anyone, but I was a Suoh now, and I needed Tamaki.

He didn't pick up.

"I think," Shima-san said from behind me. She had been keeping an eye on me all day, and now I finally knew why. "It is time we got you to the hospital, Kotoko-san."

"I can't get through to Tamaki." I snapped. "I'm not going without him!"

"I'm afraid this baby is not going to wait." Shima-san answered, hoisting me up and leading me downstairs. "I will phone the school and see if he can be contacted once you are in the hands of the midwives."

"But... I can't."

"Now you're just being silly."

Something of a panic had overtaken me. I had remembered the dream I had been presented with the night before. It hadn't bothered me too much, for once, because I had not seen my brother and my phantom had spoken only a few words. "It's a girl", he'd said, and now it bothered me. I couldn't do it. I couldn't bring a girl into this world and condemn her to the same life I'd lead. I couldn't. Even if it was a boy, I couldn't do it. I was barely eighteen. I wasn't ready to be a mother! I should never have done this. This could not be my reason. We were too young.

But it was too late, I was taken to the hospital. We should have gone much sooner, hours earlier, because they started to take me down to delivery almost immediately. Tamaki arrived.

It must have been an amusing scene, I daresay. Shima-san had thought of what I, in my panic, had not; and phoned the school's main reception, asking them to please inform one Tamaki Suoh that his first born was on it's way and he should head down to the hospital at his earliest convenience. This message had been passed onto one of the invigilators, who had passed it on to Tamaki, who had bolted from the exam hall without further deliberation. He left all his things behind, and ran.

He reached the hospital just as they were taking me into the delivery room. I could see he was scared. He was thinking what I was thinking, that we were too young, but he was trying to reassure me. People were telling me to push. By now, even my own body was telling me to push. I would not push. I couldn't. The urge to was strong, but my fear was more powerful. I got the overwhelming feeling this was a mistake. Tamaki was holding my hand now, joining the rest in telling me to push. I had to fight hard not too.

"It's not working, something's wrong." One of the staff decided. "We'll have to do an emergency caesarean. You'll have to step back please, sir."

I clung onto Tamaki's hand. He wasn't going anywhere. But the thought of a caesarean section terrified me too. I thought of the poor child starting it's life by being ripped out of me, 'a man not of woman born'.

"Tamaki," I said.

"It's alright, it's alright." He answered, obviously thinking I was seeking reassurance.

"Promise me..." I gasped. "Promise me we won't force this child into a marriage!"

"W-what?" He blinked.

I didn't care at the time that my words probably hurt him, if he realised I was unhappy despite his best efforts. I had to know.

"Promise me!"

"I promise!" He said, hastily. "I promise..."

I pushed. We never mentioned that conversation again.

Some time later, our daughter was born. We called her Daisy May.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

A/N: Well, there we are. Daisy arrives, and Haruhi and Hikaru are now going out, le gasp. I wonder if this is the reason this time, haha… I don't own Ouran or _Waiting for Godot._ Obviously. Or the quote (misquote?) from _Macbeth_ at the end there. Kotoko must have amazing willpower- or really not want this child- to be able to resist pushing, I'm sure.

On a note of random trivia, my favourite part of this chapter to write was Shima's message to the school and Tamaki's exit. XD

So, next time, next time… it's all about babies, I guess. XD


	13. Twelve: Weariness

Twelve- Weariness

_Pale for weariness... of climbing heaven and looking on the likes of us._

I had never really understood, before, how women could be so exhausted after childbirth. Now I knew all too well. To be honest, I could hardly care less if it was a boy or girl or if it was healthy as long as it was out of me and I could go and get some sleep. I let Tamaki handle all that.

"Kotoko," He said, after the doctor told us it was a girl. "Do you hear that? We have a little girl, sweetheart..."

"Uh-huh." I responded. He kissed the top of my head.

Later, we were all together in a little room. I was three-quarters asleep in the bed, half-listening to Tamaki cooing at our little girl. They had told him he could hold her, as long as he took his shirt off first. Something to do with warmth, but I didn't really get it. I listened as he whispered to her, in Japanese and French, though I couldn't catch all the words. We had already decided if it was a girl she would be called Daisy, so that was how Tamaki addressed her. To my surprise, he began singing to her softly.

"Daisy," he almost whispered. "Give yourself away, look up at the rain, the beautiful display of power and surrender, giving us today, when she gives herself away..."

It had something of a haunting melody to it, but it was soothing too. It almost made me fall asleep too, but I forced myself to listen to the rest of the song. I wanted to hear it.

"Daisy, let it go, Daisy let it go, open up your fist, this fallen world doesn't hold your interest, doesn't hold your soul, Daisy, let it go..."

It wasn't a very cheerful lullaby, but the words carried all Tamaki's affection for his daughter in them. I had been right in my previous assumption. She was going to be the most spoilt child in the world.

I had my eyes closed, still in a kind of stupor, and from Tamaki's hushed tones I guess he thought I was asleep. Still, I was perfectly aware when Haruhi and the twins entered. The three of them were practically inseparable nowadays, Hikaru seemingly always with at least one of them. The only times Kaoru wasn't present was when Hikaru and Haruhi were enjoying 'alone time', and the only times Haruhi wasn't present was when she insisted she needed some time to herself- usually to study. So, naturally, they arrived together.

"Congratulations!" The twins yelled, bursting into the room. I shut my eyes more tightly.

"Congratulations, senpai." Haruhi added, more calmly.

"Thank you." He answered. I could hear his smile. "Would you like to meet her?"

Various admiration and cooing sounds. Tamaki shook me gently by the shoulder. "Kotoko. Kotoko, darling, wake up. We have guests."

"Some of the girls in your year brought your stuff up to the club room and asked us to bring it for you." Haruhi was explaining to Tamaki. "Which is how we knew where to find you. Ah, Kotoko-senpai, congratulations! Um..." Here, clearly unsure what to do, she gave me an awkward hug. The twins followed suit, and I got a kiss on each cheek. They'd bought flowers and a balloon. I realised that, as of yet, I hadn't even held her. I asked for her. I held my daughter.

She was too tiny, too perfect. It was almost frightening. Somehow, now I finally held my reason in my arms, I wasn't sure what to feel. What was one supposed to feel in that situation? There she was, little Daisy May. She was only a quarter European, yet her name was. I wondered how prominent that part of her would be. I wondered if she would look like me, or like Tamaki; what her personality would be, how she would change the world. She had to change the world, after all, or why was her being born worth my brother dying? It was too early to tell any of these things yet. My purpose was to care for her. Make her happy.

"Isn't she beautiful?" The proud father asked. She looked a little small and squishy to me. I supposed it would come in time. She was my reason. She would be beautiful.

It may be a cliché to say it, but the truth of the statement has to stand when I say that my life changed when I became a mother. It changed because I became a mother. A Mother was what I was. I felt as if, somehow, that role had supplanted any I had previously held. I had not been an 'Ootori' for a long time. Now, perhaps, 'Kotoko' was going onto the back burner too. I was a Mother, and then a Wife, a Suoh, and everything else somewhere behind that. Then again, 'Kotoko' had never been very prominent to begin with. It is strange to think it now, but at that time, I am quite convinced I had yet to ever be myself.

Not that I knew it at the time. I clung to Daisy with fierce determination, and with all the force for my need for a reason. I still dreamt of my brother, and of my phantom. I saw Kyouya as a child, as a teenager, as an adult. Never older then about twenty, though. Whatever happened to him after that was hidden from me. The fact that having a child had not stopped the dreams after all did not deter me. A Mother and a Wife was what I was. It was what I was meant to be. This is what would justify my surviving when Kyouya did not.

I did not notice it at the time, as I gradually slid into depression. Tamaki was going that way too, and I did not notice that either. It was true we loved our daughter. Tamaki especially doted on her, he was never happier than when he was with her. But we were getting older. School had finished for both of us, one way or the other. Things were changing. By that time we were nineteen or getting there, and already, we were in the roles we would have for the rest of our lives. Tamaki went out each day to work for his family's company. I stayed at home and cared for Daisy, and waited for him to come home.

To be fair to him, Tamaki did what he could. When Daisy was young, and we would be roused in the night by crying, he would take his turn to climb wearily out of bed and go to settle her down again; usually while I lay there wondering what had possessed us to make the decision not to hire a nanny. In the daytime I would remember, when I found I had little else to fill my idle hours, but when we were being awoken at three in the morning, it was a little harder. Sometimes, when it was his turn, Tamaki would manage to quiet her. Other times, just as I was falling back into a doze, he would come and shake my shoulder and explain how he thought Daisy wanted something 'only mommy can give'; at which point I would be forced to sit up, unbutton my nightshirt, and feed her.

Apparently feeding in this fashion was meant to create a 'bond' between mother and child. Not for me. I hated every second and vowed to get her onto bottles as soon as possible, particularly as Daisy seemed to always decide she was hungry when, and only when, I was trying to sleep or it was otherwise most inconvenient. We were advised to discipline her into a more routine feeding pattern, but we had so far been unsuccessful. Still, despite it all, I loved her. My little reason to be.

It seems ironic, looking back, that Tamaki and I had very opposite problems. We loved our daughter, yes, there was happiness with her; but particularly when she was very young, there was an acute kind of disappointment with life as parents. For me, cooped up in the house all day with nothing to do when she was sleeping and only unpleasant jobs to do when she was not- feeding and changing. Somehow, she seemed to take up all my time, and yet, I did not do anything. I was swinging between boredom and obsession. I discussed my misgivings with Tamaki once, in the early weeks, and he assured me it was Post-Natal Depression and it would pass. I was not impressed with this explanation, however, and it did not pass.

For Tamaki, who was out every day, his problem was not being stuck in the house but never getting back to it. Though he was reluctant to complain- in fact, I don't think he ever did, apart from one vivid occasion- it was becoming more and more obvious that his job was not satisfying him. Being the boss' son, he had not had to join at the bottom, but equally, had not had the experience or qualifications to enter in at the top. He had simply been shunted in somewhere at the side, some place where he could get experience to run the company one day, but without causing any major damage with his decisions. It had a lot of paperwork. He was often home late, and even then, would often have to continue by the time we had eaten together.

The days he was late home were the worse. They always took the same pattern. Tamaki came home, exhausted and ready to relax, wanting to see his little girl. I was there, usually having just cajoled her to go to sleep, and stressed from another long and somewhat empty day. On those days, Tamaki did not see Daisy, and usually on my insistence. He was upset, I was angry at being made into the villain. I cried more than once on those days, though I made sure Tamaki never knew.

That is not to say, of course, that every day was like that. There were many happy times, too, probably more than the bad ones. Yet it is the bad ones we remember, isn't it? Even so, there were nice days. On the weekends, on a Saturday, we would go out. We were happy, when she was straining against Tamaki's arms to reach out towards a monkey at the zoo, or playing with some toy we'd bought in the shop. It was on one such outing that she took her first unassisted steps, on the lawn of a manor house we had been going round. After that, she didn't want to stop. When we went to visit Tamaki's father the next day, she spent the entire time walking around in tiny circles, getting up every time she fell. I joked that was the Ootori in her.

There was little else of the Ootori in her. Her hair, when it grew, was soft and blond. She even had his eyes. Every feature was identifiably his. There seemed to be nothing of mine in there, unless it was assumed the slight alterations made to Tamaki's looks came from me. My mother assured me that, as she got older, and lost her baby face, the sharp angles and high cheekbones of my own face would appear. I hoped so. When she was young, it gave me a peculiarly detached feeling. She was so obviously Tamaki's daughter and so unlike me that it almost felt as if I had nothing to do with it. Still, I was her mother, and sang to her 'Daisy' everyday. She never liked it as much from me as when Tamaki did it. Still, though, I was her mother, and was there for every event. There were scary times, like when she learnt to crawl and fell down the stairs; but there were exciting times, like when she said her first word, wonderfully when I was on the phone to Tamaki. Those were special moments.

I loved that little girl. Time passed.

We were going through a bad spell. The weather was unusually warm, despite the fact it had been raining for almost three days solidly. Daisy was seventeen months old. Tamaki and I had not slept together since before we realised I was pregnant. I was fed up of the rain, of Daisy having a cold and being grizzly because of it, of socialising with no-one except Tamaki, who often was worn out from his own work. He was working even then, hunched over the small table in the living room. Fed up of watching him and not getting a word out of him, I withdrew to my study, and tried to read. I was nervous because that was the day I had crashed the car.

We had owned two cars, in those days. Tamaki had learnt to drive before our wedding, but if ever I wanted to go anywhere, I had to ask him to take me. So I hardly ever went anywhere, unless I phoned up the main Suoh estate and got them to send a driver down. That day, on a sudden whim, I had decided it was time I learnt. Tamaki had one of our cars, the one for every day use, but I could use the other one to practise. I knew how to drive, in theory. I had watched other people do it enough, had read on the subject; the only thing I hadn't done was have a lesson. Thus, that day, I went out into a little paved courtyard and tried driving for the first time.

As it turned out, driving was not one of my natural talents. Nor did cars naturally form such a shape around a tree.

The airbags were state-of-the-art, of course, so I was not hurt; and even the tree quite remarkably survived. Just the car was a write-off. Tamaki had rather liked it, and I dreaded him finding out, so I decided not to tell him. Better to wait until he found out for himself, and then explain, or so I thought. I was convinced he would be angry.

That was the reason, as I sat in my study that night, pretending to read but in reality listening to the rain on the windows, I flinched at hearing Tamaki's voice.

"Kotoko!" He was shouting. He sounded angry. "Kotoko, where are you?!"

I wondered if I could pretend not to hear him, but his voice was thundering and I knew even he wouldn't believe it. Besides, this was probably not the best day to push him. Freezing a cold smile onto my face, I went back to the living room. He was still working, somewhat half-heartedly.

"Yes, Tamaki?" I asked, with a slight edge to my voice. "There's no need to shout."

"Yes, there is!" He insisted. "Kotoko, I never see you!"

That had not been what I had been expecting. "...Pardon?"

"I never see you!" He repeated in agitation. "Or, if I do, we never talk! I work too late, or when I come home early like today, I carry on working! I have been a bad husband, Kotoko, but that stops now! I miss you!" Here he threw down his pen, slamming his hand into the desk, and stood up. "We are going out!"

"Pardon?" I said, again.

"We are going out, sweetheart." He repeated, determined, grabbing my hands. "I'll get Shima-san to look after Daisy, and you and I, we... we are going out for dinner! And a movie! And then I'm going to book time off work and we're going to go on holiday, the three of us! We're going to be a couple and a family again!"

"Alright." I said, simply, but my heart hammered. It sounded good. The truth was, I missed him too.

"Go and put on something nice." He smiled at me, and I went.

It was purely an accident that what happened did. I was putting on a fresh skirt, and I noticed my tights had laddered. When I went to the drawer to get some more, I discovered they had all somehow slipped to the bottom, and as I searched, I discovered something I had sworn to burn. I wish I had. Then they would not have stayed there, ready to bring about my downfall. As soon as I saw them, the idea was in my mind. As soon as it was in my mind, there was no way I could resist doing it. And it was as simple as that.

When I returned to the room, wearing my coat but not my shoes, Tamaki was waiting for me.

"Are you ready?" He asked.

I opened the coat and showed him how ready I was. He stared, and blushed. It gave me a strange pleasure that I was still capable of embarrassing him. Even if it did have to be in the form of something shocking and something desperate and something extreme, like this.

"...I don't think they'll allow that in the restaurant." He got out, eventually.

"We are _not _going to the restaurant." I told him through gritted teeth. I had found a use for the honeymoon lingerie at last, it seemed.

This was different to the other times, somehow. This was not about one another. This time, as we made our way to the bedroom one way or another, it was completely selfish. We were seeking to fill some aching chasm within ourselves. This was not the loving, gentle times we had shared before. This was desperate, frantic; this was need, the need to know there was something more to life than this, to convince ourselves we were in love, to justify our marriage. To drive away the loneliness. There had been so much loneliness, too much. This time we consumed each other, like water, like oxygen, just fighting to drive the feelings away. Seeking to forget. We were driving out demons, recasting illusions, seeking a purpose, seeking pleasure.

"Tamaki," I had said, as we had made it to the bed. "Tamaki, we're not in love." I said it very quietly, so quietly, I couldn't be sure if he heard it or not. I wasn't sure if I wanted him to or not. I assumed he hadn't, but later, he replied:

"We have to be. We have to be."

He said it very quietly. I almost didn't hear. I'm not sure if I was supposed too.

Our second child was conceived on a rainy Thursday, before we had even eaten dinner, in a move of desperation, driven by loneliness, as the rain drummed on the window.

That night, as we lay in bed to sleep, it thundered.

"I hope Haruhi's alright." Tamaki said, because even then, he had not stopped loving her.

I was quicker on the uptake this time. The morning sickness was worse, of course. I marvelled at it. It hardly seemed fair. Daisy had taken so long, and this one was conceived in an instant. It wasn't fair. The whole thing was going to start over again. I would go back to be a Mother. A mother of two, before I was twenty. My father's wish was coming true.

I didn't want to be a Mother.

I didn't want to be a Wife.

I wanted to be Kotoko.

I didn't know what that was.

I didn't want this to be my reason.

I didn't want _this_ to be my reason.

I didn't want to justify Kyouya's death. I didn't want this to be my reason.

Tamaki was quite alarmed when he found me in the bathroom, crying over a pregnancy test. I think, at first, he thought it must have come out negative and I was devastated because at first he reassured me we could have more children. When that made me worse, he quickly re-assessed the situation.

"Kotoko..." He said, gently, carefully, kneeling down in front of me. "You... don't want a baby?"

I couldn't answer.

"Sweetheart, you should be happy." Tamaki tried in vain. "This is a joyful occasion! But... Kotoko... Kotoko, please don't cry..."

"I'm unhappy." I wept.

"Kotoko, Kotoko, darling..." He pleaded. "We... we... I... please... you... y-you can... you can... if you want to," he swallowed hard, and spoke in a half-whisper. "You can abort it. Just... just please, don't cry!"

I stared at him for a moment. I knew what Tamaki thought of abortions. I knew to tell me I could have one would go against every moral he had, every fibre of his being; to him it would be murder and, somehow, the blood would be on his hands. He was probably happy at the prospect of another child. Yet he would tell me that, because he thought I was in pain.

I wished I loved him as much as he deserved to be loved.

"I won't." I said, shakily, forcing myself to stop crying. His sincere concern had knocked all the hysteria out of me. The Ootori was coming back, I was remembering how to control emotion. "I won't, of course I won't. I'm sorry to react like this. I just... we got so distant before."

"Not again." He said. "I promise, not again." He took my hand, and then with his other one, lifted my chin so I had to look at him. He smiled warmly. "Let's make this our new start, sweetheart."

"New start?" I repeated. It sounded so cheesy. Words with nothing behind it, it seemed to me.

"Yes." He nodded seriously. "Kotoko, my father talked about me managing one of the lesser branches of our companies somewhere away from here. I... thought I would reject him... I didn't want to uproot you, and leave our friends, and I thought it would take me away from the 'action' at work, but..." He looked at me, and new determination sparked in his eyes. "But I was wrong! This isn't a token position, Kotoko, it's a _job_, it _matters_. And, and, we'll get a new house! One that we chose, together; for the four of us." He considered this statement for a moment. "Five of us." He decided. "We would have to take Shima-san with us, at least. But we'll live there, like that. Like a family. We'll be far away from your parents, and my grandmother, and everyone who has been watching us! We'll... we'll go and see plays on Sundays instead! We'll eat whatever you want to cook, normal food, or when you can't be bothered, we'll go out! Or have takeaway! And... and... we'll put toys in the garden for the children! And a gnome! Okay?"

I couldn't help but laugh at his eagerness. "Okay." I agreed. "You got me on the gnome."

I had believed, when I had first looked at the test, that it would be the final nail in the coffin of my and Tamaki's relationship, as if there would not be enough love and attention to go around, that every piece of love he gave them took one away from me. It was not like that. Instead, if anything, we were revitalised. I felt excited at the future for the first instance in a long time. Tamaki was happy, too. The very next Saturday we started looking at houses. We would be moving to Hoshigo, the little town we had spent our honeymoon in. It was a little way away from where Tamaki would be working, but we wanted to be out of the city, and where better than the coast, where we had made a new start once before?

I wondered then if they would still be performing Shakespeare, barefoot in the sand, with their backs to the sea. I wondered if Caliban was still free, ruling his island once again, or clinging to the railings of the board walk on a sunny afternoon.

I was happy in those days, because my hope had returned. Although the nights were full of my phantom's darkness, in the daylight, the future was bright. Perhaps the second child was my purpose. Perhaps I would find my reason to be with my family, in Hoshigo.

I couldn't wait to get away, far away. Away from my parents, and my memories, away from the Host Club and from Haruhi, away from the maids who knew we had not gone to the restaurant that night and laughed amongst themselves, away from the house I had never felt anything more than a guest or a prisoner in, away from Haruhi. She was still with Hikaru. They seemed alright, though being at University was presenting new challenges for them and their relationship. I wondered if she loved him after all. We would keep in touch, of course, but we were going. Going to Hoshigo, and I was happy.

I had forgotten all about the car. It came back to haunt me, of course, on a day when I was supposed to be going for one of my early check-ups, before my pregnancy even began to show. Tamaki was supposed to be coming with me, but then the phone rang. I quickly picked up from his tone that he would have to go elsewhere.

"It's alright." I said, before he had chance to say anything. "There will be plenty of others."

"...I wanted to come." He pouted, but then said: "Alright, you can use the other car. I'll ask one of the footmen if he can drive you. If you send for one from the main house, you'll be late." He noticed my expression. "What's the matter?"

"Ah, Tamaki, I didn't tell you... I thought you might be angry... but before 'that night', I got bored and... well, I wrapped it round the old oak in the courtyard."

He stared at me for a moment, and then he laughed. "Oh, Kotoko..." He sighed, eventually regaining control. "Never ever go behind a wheel again. But... in the meantime, how will you get there? I'll have to drop you there first and then go to work..."

"There's no time." I said. "It's fine, Daisy and I will go on the bus."

"The bus?" He repeated. "...Commoner transport?"

"Sure." I said. "I have done it before, when I was younger. Besides, you want to ride on the commoner bus, don't you Daisy?"

"Yes!" She answered, and added "Wheee-wow."

As such, it was settled. Tamaki drove off, and Daisy and I waited at the bus stop. She sat happily in her pushchair, as I tried to make sense of the time table. As far as I could tell they were more recommendations then anything else anyway, so I doubted it mattered.

"Car." She declared happily, as the bus pulled up and I manoeuvred our way on board, paying the driver. "Red, car."

"No, Daisy, it's a bus." I told her, wondering how, given Tamaki's commoner fetish, we had managed to leave this gap in her education and experiences. The bus started moving. The suspension was terrible. We were vibrating like the draw-string sheep Tamaki's father had given to Daisy a few weeks before. I wouldn't be making a point of this bus-catching.

"Car." Daisy insisted.

"Bus." I answered. "See all the seats?"

"Lots." She considered.

"That's right. It's a bus."

"Bup."

"Bus."

"Bup."

I should have just left it at that. She was only a year and a half old, after all, and had all of Tamaki's stubbornness. But, of course, I couldn't.

"Bus." I said, and then the world turned upside down.

The car that had caused the bus to brake so suddenly was fine. The brakes on the left side of the bus were faulty. Those wheels did not stop. We span. The bus fell on it's side. It skidded eleven metres because we had been going too fast to begin with. Every window broke. Most of the ceiling and two of the walls crumpled.

I was not aware of any of this. I was not aware of anything for quite some time.

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

A/N: Le gasp, oh no. I just don't give her a break. I feel kinda bad about that… but it's not that sort of story. Disclaimer to Ouran and the quotes at the top, which are from _Waiting for Godot_.

On a note of random trivia, the song in this chapter is 'Daisy' by Switchfoot. If you don't know it, you should Youtube it. :D And yes, Daisy was named that way because of the song. I heard it once when I was writing an earlier chapter, and thought it would suit Kotoko, so… saying that, I always liked the name Daisy anyways.

Next time, what will become of Daisy and Kotoko? It's a Tamaki-centric chapter next time, yup. Thanks for reading!


	14. Thirteen: Suffering

Thirteen- Suffering

_Suffers like the divine Miranda... plunged in torment plunged in fire_

When I next opened my eyes, they felt almost too heavy to open, they were almost impossible to hold up, as if the weight of the world had somehow been hung on my upper lids. My entire body felt curiously cumbersome. Even my mind felt sluggish. With effort, I turned my head. Tamaki was there, his arms folded on my bed, his head resting on them. Asleep.

"Tamaki." I said, trying to rouse him. I could hardly hear myself. My throat was not making more than a whisper. It felt as if I was having to force the words upwards, past a great resistance, a film over my throat or a sludge down it. "Tamaki." I tried again, but it still sounded more like a hiss, or a groan, and barely audible. There was something over my face. A mask, to help me breathe, I realised later, but at that time, I could hardly think. I would have slept again, but I felt fearful. Something had happened. I couldn't think, but something was instinctually wrong. "Tamaki."

It was no use. I couldn't raise my voice enough to wake him. I wanted to reach over, to shake him, but the best I could get my hands to do was a feeble sort of flap in his direction. Thankfully, there was someone else in the room, sitting just across, awake. She noticed my open eyes.

"Kotoko-senpai!" Haruhi gasped, and shook Tamaki herself. "Senpai!" She called him, urgently. "Senpai! Senpai, wake up! She's awake! She's awake..."

Tamaki woke up, blinking. "H-huh? Haruhi, what is it?"

"Senpai." She said, again. "I think she's awake!"

"What?!" He turned to me, saw my open eyes. "Oh, Kotoko..." And, suddenly, he was kissing my cheeks, my forehead, as close to me as he could be, and tears streamed down his face. I had to wonder what hell he had been through to get to that point.

*

I was lucky. After the bus crashed, I was aware of nothing. It was Tamaki, poor, caring, easily-moved, loving Tamaki that had to cope with it all on his own. He had thought we would be alright on the commoner bus. Other people did it every day. There was no reason to worry about Daisy and I.

He had been called into the office over some communiqué from a foreign investor. Why that required Tamaki to go in when his role was always so superficial, we were never quite sure. I assume it was because he was going to be the next to take over. Either way, it turned out to not really be very important. He came home as soon as he could, expecting me to be there, to tell him about the scan as he questioned me about every last detail. He stopped and picked up some houses for us to look over from an estate agents. He hurried back, but Daisy and I were not there. He assumed we had decided to go elsewhere, and settled down to wait. He watched the news.

The last item. Just a small report. A bus crash in the city centre. Casualties not yet known. Cause not yet known. Further details as they came. Another day, another accident, another average occurrence in the city. Yet, Tamaki's blood ran cold. He had always been the imaginative sort, and he assumed the worst. Trying to calm himself, he tried to call me. It didn't even ring. That was when he started to panic, and he searched the house to find Shima-san, and asked her when we had left. She hadn't seen the news. She did now. Tamaki paced back and forth, not sure what to do. Eventually he decided to go to the scene himself, to track us down, but before he made it to the door, the police arrived. Took him to the morgue. Three bodies, two strangers. One so small it was hardly a body. Identify her. Yes, his daughter. Almost eighteen months, hardly lived. Perfect. Just a tiny bruise, on her forehead. Kiss it, it was cold beneath his lips. Hold him up, his knees are giving way. Images. Doors. Lights. Where was his wife?

Poor Tamaki, having to cope with it all on his own.

He came back to himself in the end. He couldn't stop crying. He couldn't stop the silent tears. Still, he had something to drive him forward. At that time, there was no room for anything in his heart but our little girl, but his mind was filled with me. I wasn't at the morgue. I was alive, then, surely, I would be at the hospital. But if I was at the hospital, why hadn't he been informed? Perhaps they hadn't identified me. In which case, I could have been dead. But they had been able to identify Daisy, so they should have been able to identify me. He had to get to the hospital.

He reached it, somehow, one way or another. Too many people had come in from the crash. Everyone was running around. No-one could stop and talk to him. Eventually, he found someone, they knew nothing of me. Said I wasn't there, at least not yet. I'm glad of it, to be honest. Glad he didn't see me in those first minutes, when I struggled to breathe, each one a death rattle, the blood, and the like. Although perhaps even that would have been preferable to the desolate, lonely, hopeless waiting. He couldn't cope with it all alone. My brother did not exist in this world. So he called the first person he could think of- Haruhi.

Haruhi, smart and straight forward as ever, even then. She was a first-year law student. She was still with Hikaru, just about. They had ended up at the same university, so it should have been all plain sailing for them. Of course, nothing in this life was ever simple, especially when Hikaru knew as well as I did, somewhere in the dark corners at the back of our minds, that there should have been something between Haruhi and Tamaki. In another life. Still, they went on. It was a 'rough patch' for them, nothing more. They had been together some time already. It should have been easy. It wasn't, of course. The demands of her studies were so great, he hardly saw her. When he seemed to not understand, she got frustrated. Still, they stayed together, somehow. They had no-one else.

The day of the crash, Hikaru was supposed to be taking her to dinner. In fact, he was stood at her front door, waiting for her to put a coat on so they could leave. Worried about the cost, Haruhi had continued to live with her father as she studied, so Hikaru rarely went inside. Ranka would only lecture him on how to treat his precious daughter. So he hovered, watching her. She was still so beautiful to him.

"Ready?" He asked, as she turned to face him. She nodded, but then, the phone started to ring. "Leave it." He said.

"I'll just be a second." She answered, sighing slightly. "It might be important." She picked up the phone in the hall, listened to it.

"Hello?" She said. No answer, there was no reply. Tamaki couldn't speak. "Hello? Is anyone there?"

"H-Haruhi?" He got out, eventually. His voice was so quiet, she hardly recognised it. He was caught somewhere in the eerie calm between shock and grief. Still, his words quaked. "Haruhi... something really bad..."

"Tamaki-senpai?" She asked in confusion, but at his tone felt her stomach clench in fear. "What is it? What's happened?" She calmed herself, fairly convinced this was Tamaki's usual dramatics over nothing. She thought we had probably just had an argument. Still, there was that catch in his voice that she hadn't heard before. "I'm about to go out, senpai, I can't really talk right now; but..."

"Daisy's dead."

"W-what?! But-"

"And... Kotoko... there was a crash... I don't know where she is... and Daisy... and..."

He was losing all coherency. Haruhi could not doubt him any more. She swallowed hard.

"Where are you, senpai?" She asked, quietly. "We'll come."

"...T-the hospital. I thought Kotoko might... but... I don't know where she is."

"We're coming, senpai. So just... just hang on." She said, and hung up, with no idea what else to say.

"We have to go and find Tamaki-senpai." She told Hikaru, urgently.

"Why? Is he upset again? Wouldn't you rather go alone?" He answered, a little spitefully. "Haruhi, you can't chase after him all the time... We're supposed to be going out."

"His daughter is dead." She said, flatly. "Kotoko-senpai too, maybe. He needs us, Hikaru."

Hikaru froze. He couldn't doubt her words, not when she looked like that. Yet it seemed impossible to him that what she said was true. He and Kaoru had always adored Daisy, or rather, dressing her. Most of her wardrobe had been gifts from them. I always remarked that if we ever needed a babysitter it would have to be one of them. But we never needed one. I never went out. Why hadn't I thought to leave Daisy with the twins while I went to the hospital? She wouldn't have died. This life would have been hers after all, for a little longer. Instead, in the blink of an eye and a crash of a bus, she was gone. Another day in the city.

"Let's go." Hikaru said, eventually. No matter what his feelings were to Tamaki when he saw how he looked at Haruhi and didn't even realise it, they were friends. Tamaki needed friends then more than ever, or he had to cope alone.

When they reached the hospital, they found him slumped in the waiting room. The other people there were sitting as far from him as possible. Some looked at him in annoyance for causing such a disturbance. Few looked on him with sympathy, even as his crying fell silent, and he stared at the floor, unblinking. The tears still came, dripping to the tiles between his feet. His hands were woven together into a tight knot, gripped to stop them shaking, gripped because he had nothing else to hold onto. I had still not arrived, as far as he knew. I was missing. Daisy was dead, never to return. I could be too. And what of the unborn child that had barely begun to grow? He just didn't know. He cried.

Hikaru and Haruhi arrived. He didn't notice.

"...Senpai?" Haruhi said gently, sitting down beside him, Hikaru hovering awkwardly. "Senpai... I'm so sorry."

Tamaki said nothing.

"...Has Kotoko-senpai arrived here yet?"

He shook his head.

"...Are you thirsty?" She asked, uselessly.

Another head shake.

"Or hungry? It is dinner time..."

Again, he shook his head. She fell silent, not knowing what to do, what to say. Hikaru busied himself by glaring back at those that stared and going up to the desk to speak with the receptionist. He couldn't bear to see Tamaki like that, I suppose. I wonder what Haruhi felt, seeing him in pain. I was glad I did not see him that way.

"H-Haruhi." He whispered, eventually. "...I took the car... she went on the bus, and it..."

"I know." She muttered, though it was the first she'd heard of it.

"And Daisy... a-and..." He broke off, choking audibly now. "Haruhi, what if Kotoko dies too?! What am I going to do?! I... I can't... Why did this... I should have..."

"Sssh." Haruhi murmured, hugging him. "It'll be fine, Senpai, I promise... I promise..."

"She's dead." He said. "She wasn't... wasn't even eighteen... year and a half... we were going to..."

"Ssh," Haruhi said, hating herself for not saying more. "Ssh."

Haruhi cried for him that day. Hikaru almost cried himself, seeing them like that. There was too much loss in that scene. Too much pain. To describe it, though, would only detract from it. It was beyond human, it was animal. Words are human. Words would soften the blow, detracted from the gouges it left in our hearts. It hurt. Him most of all. Her, because she couldn't help. All those who could do nothing, and stood idly by as we fell, like the leaves of autumn.

They cried.

"...Excuse me." A nurse said, timidly interrupting, and looking at Hikaru. He had been the one to ask, after all. "...You wanted to know if Kotoko Suoh came in?"

"Yes!" Tamaki said, in his eyes the look of a drowning man that sees a helicopter on the horizon. He leapt to his feet. "She's my wife! Where is she? Is she okay?"

"She's stable. I apologise, it took us until now to work out who belonged to who." She said, not meeting their gaze, and they feared the worse. Tamaki followed her, to another room, another part of the hospital, and there I was, covered in wires, the lower right hand side of my face covered in a gauze. I had been cut there, it would leave a scar.

"...Will she wake up?" Tamaki asked, anxiously.

"We... think so." The nurse answered. "It's hard to tell at this stage."

"...She will." He said, and swallowed. He took my hand, tentatively. "...She has to, or I... I'll be on my own..."

He pressed my fingers to his forehead, thought of all he had lost, and cried. They left him alone for a few moments.

"...Geez." Hikaru sighed, as they stood in the corridor. "This is..."

But it was beyond words, because words were human.

"It's cruel." Haruhi said, quietly. "...I can't imagine... losing a child..."

"And a wife, in one day."

She shook her head in refusal. "She'll wake up."

"She looked pretty... well, it didn't look that way to me."

"She'll wake up!" Haruhi insisted. "Or he'll..."

She couldn't finish the sentence. Hikaru couldn't question her. Eventually, they went back in to Tamaki. He stayed with me. They stayed with him.

When it got to midnight, Hikaru finally spoke.

"Haruhi, I'll take you back."

"No, I... want to stay." She said, glancing worriedly at where Tamaki was staring at the floor, his hand over mine. He hadn't eaten anything.

"You have lectures tomorrow." Hikaru reminded her. "Come on. I'll take you home; then I'll come back and... stay with him."

"You have lectures tomorrow too!" She argued, frowning. "Besides... some things are more important..."

"My lecture," Hikaru said, firmly. "Will consist of a twenty-minute discussion of the best way to sew on a button and little else. Yours will actually be important. If Tono was... thinking straight, he'd tell you to go. It's important to you. It's your dream."

"I'm staying here."

Hikaru took hold of her hand and dragged her by force. "Come on. You're exhausted. You've done your bit, Haruhi, and you're going home even if I have to drag you all the way there."

Most of the car journey passed in a brooding silence. The gravity of the situation seemed to put a dampener on any conversation. What was there to say?

"...Poor Tamaki-senpai." Haruhi muttered eventually, her gaze fixed out of the window. "He... really loves her."

"...Do you think so?" Hikaru replied after a slight pause, pulling up outside of her apartment.

"Yeah." Haruhi said, confused. "Isn't it obvious?"

"He... cares for her." Hikaru said, slowly. "But... I don't think they should ever have gotten married. It's not that kind of love. It's... She's more than his sister, he's not just her brother, but... they're not quite... together."

"Do you think so?" She echoed, and said nothing more for a moment. "...Still. It... puts all our problems into perspective." She said, and looked at him rather shamefacedly. She opened her mouth and would probably have sworn to work harder at their relationship, had he not gotten there first.

"Yes, it does." He agreed, unusually serious. "Haruhi, you... Haruhi, you still love him, don't you?"

Her eyes widened. "N-no, don't be silly." She said, stammering. "I've never-"

"Then how did you know who I meant?" Hikaru said, smiling wryly. "It's okay, I knew before I started dating you. I just... I thought maybe I would be able to replace him, you know? But if it's been this long, and I haven't, then I'm probably not going to."

"Don't-" She began, but he held up a hand to stop her interrupting.

"It's okay, Haruhi. I... I believe that somewhere out there, there _is _someone who could make you forget Tamaki. But it isn't me. And... I shouldn't have to settle for being second best any more than you should have to settle for having it."

"Hikaru..."

"It's okay." He winked, cockily. "I'm sure there's someone out there who can make me forget you."

"Then... you want to break up?"

"It's about time we did." He said, serious. Then he ruined it all. "Unless you want to sleep with me after all, in which case I'm willing to post-pone it till the morning."

"Hikaru!"

"Joking, joking." He shrugged. "You can leave with your honour in tact."

"I'm... sorry."

"Don't be." He said. "I had fun. We did, didn't we?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "We did. Thank you." She kissed his cheek, briefly, and then left, her back to him.

Hikaru rested his head on the steering wheel for a long time, wondering what he had just given up. When he felt able, he went back to the hospital, and did not breathe a word of what had just happened.

Between them, they took care of Tamaki. He had loved Daisy more than anything in the world, and now his grief seemed bottomless. His hope for me never wavered, neither did his vigil by my bedside. Doctors and nurses and friends could not remove him. I was moved to a private Ootori-run hospital, and there I stayed. He stayed by my side, grieving on his own, relying on his friends to remind him to eat, to wash, to sleep. They knew the only way he would get a proper night's sleep would be to go home and do so in a proper bed, but it was impossible to convince him. The child inside me was gone. Killed before it had even begun, aborted, taken to the afterlife before it had a soul. Tamaki waited by my bedside. He didn't speak much, though Haruhi tried. She knew if he didn't talk about what had happened, he would never recover. But he usually tried to avoid her questions.

"My children are gone." He said, quietly, one day. "What if... she goes too?"

"She won't." Haruhi reassured him.

"I know." He said, unconvinced. "I know."

There was silence for a little while. Then he spoke again. "But... But if she doesn't... at least s-she would never have to know... to know that..."

He broke off, and he cried again when he thought of his daughter. Haruhi, forgetting her usual inhibitions, went to him and held him, comforted him more than I would ever have been able to. I wonder if he realised he loved her then. Perhaps that was why he cried harder.

He had tried so hard. We had almost made it.

After that, he did not cry again until I came back to him. Because, one day, I woke up, and Tamaki cried in spite of himself and kissed whichever bits of my face he could get to. He cried in relief, he cried for everything I would find out, for everything we had been through and would go through, all of which was waiting for me. He cried for all of it. That was the only time. He never cried before me again.

Time passed. I began to recover. I could talk, and think, and one day it occurred to me he never brought Daisy to see me, and he was always there, so where was she? Who was looking after her? I asked him, one day, when his movement in the room woke me.

"She'll come and see you when you're better." He whispered, brushing his lips against my forehead. "Go back to sleep."

Another day, I said "How is Daisy doing? Was she hurt?". He said "She's fine, sweetheart, don't worry. Just rest now.", and smiled reassuringly.

Another day, when I could stay awake for longer periods at once, I said "I want to see her. Bring her with you tomorrow", and he said "Not yet, darling. Soon.".

Someone had given him the impression the stress would damage my recovery, particularly at a time when I was still confused and my mind was vulnerable. So he smiled, and he lied, and he bore it all alone, and sometimes he cried in an empty house.

Another day, finally, I was aware enough to think properly, and I said "Tamaki... I think I lost the baby. In the accident."

"Ssh." He said, quietly. "I know, Kotoko, I know. It was too early in the pregnancy... when you were hurt, it dislodged and..."

We were both silent for some time.

I said, "Tamaki?" and he said "Don't.", but we both knew I had to. So I asked, and he told me. Because he could no longer do this alone.

That was the first, and only time, I saw my phantom while I was awake. He was standing in the corner of the room, where the shadows fell first as it grew dark, watching silently as we sat there, despairing. I had always heard his voice, but I recognised the spectre even when it did not speak.

"You." I said, quietly. I had no eyes to see Tamaki watching me worriedly.

My phantom said nothing.

"You killed my children." I accused, quietly.

"They were not your reason."

I went mad. I have never been so angry in all my life as I was in that moment. Tamaki tried his best to calm me down, to tell me there was no-one there, tried to make me look at him alone, but I would not stop shouting. I think he must have realised then that I was truly insane. Frightened, and unable to console me, unable to hold me as I fought him off every time he reached out to me, Tamaki eventually called the nurse. Once they had injected me, everything went black. When I woke up again, the hysteria had subsided and I was being held in Tamaki's arms. He stroked my hair and told me not to cry as tears made their quiet migration from my eyes to the sea. It didn't work, though, because he was crying too.

Any purpose I had was gone. My children had gone with my brother, one not eighteen months, on barely conceived. With them, it seemed, my future had gone too.

"I can't do this any more." I whispered. "I can't."

"Sssh." Tamaki answered. It didn't help much.

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A/N: What a cheery chapter. I feel kinda guilty… Ahem. Disclaimers as always.

On a note of random trivia, I turned 18 yesterday. :D Just kidding. XD Well, I _was _18 yesterday, but that wasn't what I was going to say here. I was going to say it's chapters like this that really make me want to write this story again from Tamaki's POV…

So, next time, it's the penultimate chapter. Tamaki gets drunk, and Kotoko gets desperate. Please join me then, and thanks for reading!


	15. Fourteen: Decision

Fourteen- Decision

_But you have to decide._

Grief is a funny thing. It seems to take all the time in the world, and let you lose track of all of it. After that first day, I did not cry again. I was finished with crying, I had done far too much of it already. I longed to be a cold Ootori again, and care about nothing. Tamaki tried to get me to talk to him, but he could offer me no more comfort than I could offer him, so we stopped trying. I decided to forget about Daisy and the baby that would have been our new start. We didn't talk about moving any more. We didn't talk about anything much. What was there to be said?

I was in hospital for several weeks. Eventually, when I was waking up for longer and more predictable periods, Tamaki did not stay at the hospital with me, coming within visiting hours like everyone else. It gave me a lot of time to think, and to stew. I was back to square one. I had no idea what my purpose was. But I _had _to have one. Otherwise, my brother had died for no reason.

Looking back on it, I wonder why I ever thought like that; why I felt, because he had died and I had not, that I somehow owed him a debt. I suppose it was the dreams. Seeing a whole life like that, you can't help but feel that theirs is more worthwhile than yours. In the hospital, that was the worst time for such feelings. I didn't have my children. My husband didn't love me, would never love me, _couldn't _love me, no matter how much he tried, no matter how much he lied to himself about it. I didn't know what I was supposed to be doing here, what difference I was supposed to make, what I was _for_. I just wanted to go home. But I didn't know where that was. It wasn't my parent's house, nor was it Tamaki's. I had no home. I fit in nowhere, because I was not meant to be. At least, not like this.

But there had to be a point. Otherwise, why was I here?

Even in the hospital, I dreamt of my brother. I saw him at my age. I saw him on perfectly average days when he did nothing but go to school, run the club, study and sleep. I saw him on more important occasions, on birthdays, on valentine's day. I saw the day the girl Tamaki teased him about had given up on him ever noticing her and then he kissed her. I heard tender words, then, and I saw words of love. It was different to the exchanges between Tamaki and I. It was nothing frilly, or over the top, just what was necessary. I think he would rather not have said anything. The fact he did made it all the more special.

Over the years since I had first seen him, I felt I had gotten to know my brother and his quirks. Some were like mine. Others were very different. I liked him. I only wished I could speak with him, meet him properly, see what he thought of all this. In the hospital, when I had nothing else to do, a kind of yearning began in me. That world, the one I could only access when asleep, seemed so much more real to me than my own world, so much more vivid and alive. I wanted to go and watch that place, although I could never go in, never do more than peep through the windows. I drank in it. My phantom scared me with his judgements and dares and accusations, but I didn't care about him. He would show me my brother, and that was all I needed from him. I wished I could have known Kyouya, and his life, and been a part of his world. Sometimes, when I was awake, I tried to picture what life would have been like had we both survived. I wondered if we would have been close.

Seeing how Kyouya was with other people, and knowing my own personality, I doubted my twin and I would have been as insular and as caring as Hikaru and Kaoru by a long way. I would imagine we would have lead rather separate lives. But it would have been Kyouya who was friends with Tamaki, who was in the Host Club, and had our parents suggested a marriage between Tamaki and I perhaps Kyouya would have said to him 'No, I refuse to be related to you, stay the hell away from my sister'.

It was possible. More likely he would have passively accepted it, unless I admitted I was upset. Then he would have done everything he could, unseen, always unseen, to stop this happening to me. I was sure of that. I wished he had lived all the more, but it seemed there was only room for one of us in the world.

One day, when I suppose I must have seen reasonably well-balanced, Tamaki dared to ask me who I had been shouting at when I had accused someone of killing our children. I looked at him for a long moment, and then I told him. I told him first of my dead brother, and of the dreams, and of my phantom. He was troubled. I was beyond caring, because I was disturbed.

That night, when I was sleeping, unknowing, at the hospital and seeking Kyouya, Haruhi got woken by a call from a bar. They wouldn't let Tamaki drive home. Tamaki, who had never been drunk in his life, who disapproved of bars, who never gave in, who smiled even when it rained so hard the flood should have drowned him. He was beyond being able to drive. Haruhi, however, couldn't drive at all, so she was forced to call Hikaru. He went to pick Tamaki up, but he was not happy about it.

"What the hell are you doing to yourself, Tono?!" He said, furiously, as he drove. "What are you _thinking_?! You've never pulled a stunt like this before, why now?!"

"Because they're gone!" Tamaki had shouted back. "Daisy and our new start have gone! And Kotoko's gone too!"

"You're drunk." Hikaru sighed in anger. "Kotoko is fine, Tono, they'll let her out soon."

"No she's not!" Tamaki replied. "She's _alive_, but she's gone! She's gone somewhere I can't reach her, and I sent her there. I tried so hard to love her. I've been killing her all along."

"...You're _really_ drunk."

"I don't know what to do."

Hikaru didn't know what to say, so he went back to lecturing Tamaki instead. "So you decided to go and drink yourself into oblivion, is that it?! I know you're going through hell right now, but..." And on he went, and on. Anything to fill the silence. Anything to stop Tamaki thinking about what he had lost. No-one wants to see pain like that, and know they can't do anything.

Poor Tamaki. He tried so _hard _to save me. By the next day he was back to his usual self, smiling for me, pretending everything was fine, for me. Everything was far from fine.

Eventually, they let me out of the hospital. They wanted me to go in for counselling, but I said no. My mind was my own, and I was not letting anyone in except my brother who crept in through my dreams. Besides, I just wanted to go home. I couldn't, because I didn't have one per say, but I could go back to Tamaki's place and anywhere was better than that hospital that smelt of death and had my phantom lurking in it's dark corners.

Tamaki did his best for me, of course. He had already gone back to work. Between home and the hospital there was too much to remind him of what he had lost and what he had never had. In the last week or so, he had thrown himself back into work with gutso, with renewed vigour. It was so he didn't have to think, so he did not have to remember. Still, he tried. He offered to take a day off that first day I had back at home. When he knew how that day would end, I think he would wish he had. When I didn't reply to his questions, he just sighed, and kissed my forehead. I was still lying in bed when we said goodbye.

"Goodbye, sweetheart." He said. "Don't strain yourself."

He waited for a response. None came. I could no longer stand the sight of him. "Are you sure you don't want me to stay at home?"

I shook my head. It would make no difference that day.

"Kotoko..." He began. Wanted to say something more but didn't know what it was. So he just sighed, and kissed my forehead, and left quietly.

I do not blame Tamaki for what happened next. It must not be forgotten that he was grieving too. He had lost as much as I had, and he could do nothing. If I was suffering, he was having to watch me suffer and know he could do nothing to change it. He tried so hard to be strong for me, at a time when he had barely enough for himself. I don't know what he would have done without Haruhi. If I had been half-decent as a wife, I should have been supporting him even as he supported me. But I did not. I retreated into myself, let him carry his burdens alone. I did not see that he was struggling to carry them, I did not see them at all. He made a point of not letting me see.

I wish I could have been as strong as that. I don't know how he did it. Even with Haruhi, always ready to visit, never more than a phone call away, he was very strong. He weathered the storm, somehow. I crumbled away.

That first day wasn't so bad. I stayed in bed for most of it. Finally Shima-san came in and said, most firmly:

"Get up, Kotoko, this won't do, you were lucky to survive, so don't throw this away!"

She practically dragged me out of bed that day. We ate a meal together, out on the grass at the back of the house. We walked around the grounds. The wind felt nice on my face. On that day, I almost believed I could dare to live.

Shima-san had not used a suffix on my name, I noticed. She was very kind.

The second day was worse. My father honoured me by taking an afternoon off to come and visit me. I daresay he even tried to comfort me, in his own way. He said to me, "Don't worry. There will be other children."

That got me. _There will be other children_. It was unavoidable. Inescapable. Inevitable. There would be other children, and more after that, and if they all died then we would just have some more. This was my life. It was a cycle. I knew, somehow, that any other children that came from me would die too. The child that had died in my womb would make sure of that. Death was inside me now, and once it was there, there was no escaping it. It was there, inside me, all the time, and inescapable.

I told my father I felt unwell and he took his leave. I was unwell. My spirit was sick, my mind was sick, my body was half-starved and refused to keep any food down. I believed, at that time, that death was inside me. My brother had died, my children had died, everything died. The world was not supposed to be this way.

The world, I realised, was never meant to have me in it.

I tried to push the thoughts away at first. Perhaps I had not yet found my reason, but many people hadn't, never did. I was only seventeen, eighteen, or nineteen. I was barely twenty. I had time. There was still time for me. There had to be.

But I was scared, so scared, that there wasn't, that there was no reason, that I had been a waste of a life and that my brother would have been so much better. I had taken him from the world and had not even been able to give it anyone to replace him. Then there was the time on the honeymoon, when I dreamt him, he dreamt me, he had seen me. I had usurped his place in this life. The world kept trying to snap back to how it should have been, but I was there, blocking it, keeping this world alive. A sad world, where Tamaki and Haruhi were forced apart, where my brother did not exist, and the things he would do did not happen. It was a sad world. Death was inside me.

I went into a sort of panic that day. I began to wonder, if I was there, if I was real. There was no purpose to my existence, my brother had seen me, maybe I was not really there. This was never supposed to have happened, the world was not _really _meant to be like this. I moved around the house, restlessly, searching desperately, for any sign, for anything that might have anchored me to that realm.

There was nothing. Not one thing. I looked for Daisy, and I could not find her. Everything of hers, all the clothes and the toys and the high chair and the little brushes and the child locks on the windows and the gates on the stairs, all had gone. They had thought it would be kinder to remove it all before I came home. Daisy had been buried before I woke up. Tamaki had donated her organs to save someone else's child, half of her had been buried, half of her had been ripped out. He had cried, had been alone. Now I was alone. There was no trace of her. Not a single thing to suggest that little girl had ever existed. I wondered if I had dreamt her, just as I was being dreamt. If she had never existed, perhaps I never had. Perhaps I was never supposed to have been.

It made me understand. At last, I understood. I had no purpose, I was a problem. If I was not here, Kyouya would have been. The world would have been what it was supposed to have been. If I was not alive. If I was dead.

That was all it took. That one tiny thought slipped into a crack in my mind, and spread, took it over, went into every last gap. If I were dead, things would be better. I would not be alive, to think and to feel and to dream and hurt and to anger to err and to die. If I were dead. If I were dead, there would be room for Kyouya again. If I were dead, Tamaki marry Haruhi like he hadn't even realised he wanted to. If I were dead, there would be no more children to lose. I could escape that inevitability. If I were dead, Kyouya's life would take over, the world would snap back to the one that contained him, and all that living. If I were dead.

After the bus incident, Tamaki wanted to ensure that I would never have to take one again. He had replaced the car I had smashed, and I took it. I ran from the room, down the stairs, my knees gave way in the entrance hall but I got up again and I ran to the car, started the engine, slammed my foot down on the pedal. I wasn't worried about hitting anything this time, I didn't take much care, it didn't matter that I didn't really know what I was doing, that I had no licence, that I was speeding, that my eyes were blinded with tears. I knew nothing could go wrong. Not now. Nothing more would go wrong because I was finally doing something right. My phantom was in my mind although I was awake.

_"Yes_," he was saying, alluringly, excited. _"Yes, that's right. This way. _This _is your reason, Kotoko!"_

Nothing would stop me. I was going to Hoshigo. It was to have been the place for our new start, it would do just as well for an end when I was dead. I drove, hardly noticing what I was doing, where I was going. I felt as if I could feel myself slipping away from this world already, and taking all the death inside me with me. I was saving the world. Once I was gone, it would be fine. This was my reason. At last, this was my reason.

I reached Hoshigo, abandoned the car in a field somewhere, got out. I wasn't wearing any shoes. I had come out without them, without noticing. Oh well, it was one less thing to dump in the sea. I knew where I was heading, the cliff, just up from the cottage we'd stayed in that time. We had walked there some days. I ran there now. The grass and the air and the earth were still. Only the ocean moved, stirring itself up, ready. The cliff was woody. On a normal day I might have noticed the damage the stones and twigs did to my feet. I was not on the path, I was beyond any need for paths, having spent this long trying to forge my own. Below me was the beach, I could see it sometimes between the trees, the beach where they had acted Shakespeare on the beach, barefoot, with their backs to the sea. Caliban had jumped and clung to the railings. The metal had been cool on my skin.

I climbed.

The earth was between my toes. Dry on top, baked by the days of sun it had enjoyed, but damp and spongy underneath from some forgotten rainfall. For the first time in my life, I wanted to run. I wanted nothing more than to run right to the top of that cliff and carry on going. Now I finally knew what to do. This was all I could do. Not just for him, but for Tamaki, too, and Haruhi, and to put the world back to rights. A life for a life.

"_This is it_," my phantom whispered in my mind, breathless with excitement. "_That's right. This way. This is your reason."_

Even standing there right at the top of the cliff, there wasn't much wind. A good omen. One more step, and the world would be how it should be. Without me in it.

If my story had been a normal one, Tamaki would have arrived then and saved me, and as I fell into his arms, I would realise he _did _love me, and I _did_ love him, and had always loved him and would always love him and all the scars of my life would disappear like ice in the sun. But my story was not a normal one. I was half-a-person, not even real, never meant to be of this world, and something like that could never have happened. Not that Tamaki didn't try, of course. As soon as Shima-san realised I had disappeared, she had phoned him and he had somehow known where I would go. He ran for his car, like I had, and headed for Hoshigo, as I had. He was barely ten minutes behind me, but that time was enough. He was destined to be too late.

It was peaceful, on top of that cliff. My phantom, who had been pressing me the entire journey, finally fell silent. My reason was on small step away, and then the world could take one giant leap, and get back to how it was supposed to be. I looked at the sea one more time. I thought of the sand between the toes of the actors, and my feet left ground.

For a moment, I thought I was falling. But I wasn't, someone had grabbed me, was dragging me away from the cliff edge, away from my reason. A man I didn't recognise, about my age. I struggled against him, furiously, desperately, but it was no good.

"Let go!" I shrieked. "Let go! Let go of me! Let go!"

"No!" He shouted back. "Why am I going to let go?! So you can throw yourself off?!"

"Let go of-!" I started again. I had manage to drag him one step up the cliff, we were back on the summit.

And at the top stood Kyouya. He was watching the sea. He turned, and saw me. We stood, still, not moving. For an irrational moment, I thought he was alive, somehow, that he was really here. Then I realised, no, this was another dream. I was seeing through the veil between our worlds again. This time, however, he was looking back at me.

"You again." He said, eventually, closing his eyes. "Who are you? What do you want from me? All my life, I've seen you. What do you want?"

And suddenly, I understood. All this time, as I had dreamt of him, he had dreamt of me. He had seen me, all those times in his life I was witness too. Just once, on my honeymoon, he had seen my life. I wondered what he thought. He was not as easily persuaded as me. I didn't know what to say.

"I have no patience for ghosts." He said, impatiently. "And I certainly don't know how to lay them to rest. If you're just a figment of my imagination, I have even less patience for that."

He knew who I was, but not what. I was no more a ghost than him. We were just never made to walk the same road.

"I'm not a ghost." I said, finally.

"Then what are you?" He asked.

"...Just a dream." I answered, and opened my eyes. I saw one last image of him, the woman, his girlfriend, approaching behind him, as my vision cleared. I was propped up against a tree. The man that had pulled me back was crouched in front of me, looking slightly confused.

"Are you alright?" He asked. "You fainted for a minute there."

I said nothing. I was too busy thinking. My mind was clear, it was as if the light had been switched on. My phantom, and all that darkness, had been chased out of it. I didn't know what I had been thinking.

The man looked at me, with mixed emotions. I don't think he knew what to think.

Tamaki arrived just then, too late. "Kotoko!" He shouted, running, breathless. He fell on his knees before me and pulled me close.

I hugged him back, grateful for his care and his friendship, and wondering how I ever saw him as anything but a brother, let alone sleep with him. I had been so desperate, and half-mad, in those times, I realised. He was asking me why I had done such a thing, why I hadn't spoken to him, telling me how sorry he was. I waited for him to finish, patting his back.

"I'm sorry, Tamaki." I said. "I'm alright now."

He looked at me, unconvinced. He seemed even more unnerved when I attempted a wavering smile. He got to his feet, turned to the man who had saved me, and embraced him. I suppose he must have seen us grappling. "Thank you." He said, over and over. "Thank you so much!"

"Um, that's okay?" The man offered, obviously uncomfortable. I wanted to laugh at his expression, but to be honest, I wanted to laugh at anything, and to cry. I was giddy with too many emotions swirling around inside me. Tamaki, meanwhile, had finally let go of him, took a step back, and bowed deeply.

"Thank you." He said again, quietly. "Thank you for saving my wife."

It seemed as good a time as any, so I inturrupted. "About that. I want a divorce."

Tamaki stared. The other man seemed uncomfortable, but Tamaki was blocking the way back down. He couldn't leave.

"Kotoko, sweetheart..." Tamaki pleaded. "What is all this about?"

I considered what I could tell him. I could have told him everything, about my phantom, and my sudden realisation. He might have wanted me to choose death, but now I knew differently. Any purpose I had in this life, I would make for myself. My meaning was not there, waiting to be found, I had to build it with my own two hands, with the bricks I wanted, in the way I wanted. If I was going to make up for my brother dying, I had to live my life. It was that simple. I wondered how I hadn't seen it.

But all that would have taken far too long to explain. So I smiled at him, and slipped my ring off. I took his hand for a final time, and wrapped his fingers around it.

"We should never have gotten married." I said, gently. "You know it. So give this to her."

Tamaki looked at me for a long time. As always, his expressions were clearly displayed in his eyes. I watched patiently as he slowly made his way through them. I felt as if I had finally become a part of the world, and I had all the time in it. Finally, he shook his head.

"...No." He said, and gave me the ring back. "It's worth a lot of money, Kotoko. Take it."

I smiled. He had realised what I intended to do. He had realised I'd need a little money to get me going in a commoner lifestyle.

"And... and I'll make sure you get a fair settlement." He added.

"I don't want your money, Tamaki."

"Take it anyway."

I said nothing, just smiled. I squeezed his hand, and turned to leave.

"...Is this really it?" He asked, unable to give up quite that easily. He had spent years building up resistance to treacherous thoughts. Those defences could not crumble automatically. "Kotoko, darling, it doesn't have to be like this. We'll do better. We'll move. We'll do whatever you want; things will get better."

I just looked at him. Finally, he couldn't meet my eyes any more. With a sigh, I stepped towards him again, forced him to make eye contact.

"One way or another, Tamaki, we can't go on like that. We should never begun that. Go home." I went to leave, but he pulled me back, hugged me one last time.

"...G-goodbye, Kotoko." He whispered, and though his voice cracked with emotion, I knew he would be just fine. I let him hold me, and I held him, for just a moment longer. Then I let go.

"See you, Tamaki." I answered, and walked away. I did not look back. The ground felt good beneath my feet. A wind began to blow from the sea, it caught my hair and tossed it into my face. I didn't care. I got a little way, and started to laugh. I laughed, unable to stop, I laughed until I cried, I laughed and cried at all this love and loss, all the while, stumbling along. I daresay I had never looked so mad. Perhaps that was why the man followed me, full of concern.

"Um... miss? Are you going to be alright?"

"I'm fine!" I said, happy. "I'm better than fine, I'm free!"

"Right." He replied, not convinced. "...Do you have a place to stay?"

"No." I said, unconcerned with such trivial things. "Oh well!"

"...I work in a bed and breakfast, you can stay there."

"I don't have any money!" I warned him, cheerfully.

"You don't even have any shoes. I guessed." He answered dryly, and took my arm to direct me. I followed, because I knew I could leave if I wanted to.

"Hey, what's your name?" I asked my guide.

"Ayumu." He answered.

"_Ayu_mu." I repeated, testing the sound. "Is there a surname to accompany that?"

"Nope." He said. "You're Kotoko, right? Is there a surname there?"

"Not any more!" I said, and laughed.

I was mad that day, but I was reborn and renewed and refreshed and reinvigorated, and all the good re-s, though most of them I don't think I had ever been before. The dark stains of my past had been far from eradicated, lasting happiness was still a long way off for me. But, that day, I was elated. I laughed and cried from some extreme of emotion I couldn't name. I think I was, for the first time, feeling like myself.

There was a lot still to come, but I allowed myself to be lead down that cliff with a hand around my arm that had once clung to a metal railing and covered the salt stains.

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A/N: An early update, because there's a lot going on tomorrow and I don't think I'll remember. Disclaimers as always.

Le gasp, what was that?! I think we just had a happy end- oh, no, wait, there's another chapter to go. _(thunk)_ But I think it would be a little disappointing to end there, don't you? I mean, as if I could let Kotoko get over everything that easily, hahaha. I'm not that nice. There's a lot more to come for her yet…

On a note of random trivia, this chapter was originally going to come before the wedding. Seriously. The original idea was that the night before the wedding she would have a dream of what married life with Tamaki would be like, and hate it so much she was driven to, well, the prologue. But then I had so many ideas for the dream, well, this was the result. Funny how things turn out.

So, one more chapter. I think it would be mean to leave it for too long, and _certain _people are going to Egypt, so the last chapter will be posted on Monday. Please join me then! :D


	16. Fifteen: Certainty

Fifteen- Certainty

_No, nothing is certain_

It was about a year later when I woke up. Light was coming into the room despite the blind across the slanted window in the room at the top of the building. It was a Sunday, somewhere down in the little town, a Church bell was ringing. Further away, somewhere up on the cliff, I could hear the chimes at the little shrines sounding. There was a fresh summer breeze that day, full of the sun and the salt. Another day in Hoshigo.

I rolled over sleepily, and rubbed my arm over my face. It startled me, and I had to sit up, put on my glasses, push both my arms and my hands out into the light, and stare at them as if I had never seen them before. They had changed in all this time. When I had been an Ootori, when I had been a Suoh, my arms had been as pale as ivory, my hands smooth, so I would be beautiful. Now, in the light, I could see they had darkened from months of going outdoors. My hands were rough and hard from working in the café and the B&B. They seemed beautiful to me.

Memory began to return slowly. It was a curious feeling, more like remembering a film than something I had actually lived. Although, I don't know if I had really lived it. It seemed to me I had been living a half-life. Since my brief moment of lucidity on the cliff, I had withdrawn inside myself. Thinking back on that time, I could see the extent of the damage there had been. I had barely spoken in the last year. I certainly couldn't remember an actual conversation.

Ayumu had taken me back to the place he worked in, as promised. It was called 'The Globe'. The name had made me smile, I remembered, but then everything did that day. It was run by an elderly couple, Ayumu had been living and working with them for so long now they were basically a family. The downstairs was a café and a bar in the evenings, and I worked there, because I had no other way to pay for a room. I bussed tables and cleaned up. I cooked, sometimes, the owner teaching me how. I never said much, but then, I didn't need too.

They were so kind, those people. I wondered if I had even noticed it before, if I had ever thanked them. The couple's name was Mino, her name Matsuda, his Minoru. Minoru Mino, I thought, his parents were cruel. Old they may have been, but they were still so alive, full of laughter and passionate arguments, when they had them. They could argue and argue, bitterly, until one of them said something so ridiculous they would laugh again. They lived their lives that way.

Thiers was a true love story, that Matsuda-san had told me one evening as we washed up together. They had been married young, she said, when he was an apprentice in a firm. They didn't have much money, but they were happy. He had been a hard worker and was promoted again and again, until he worked too hard, and they were unhappy. It was on their silver wedding anniversary, after weeks of arguing, that things changed. She hadn't expected him to remember. She certainly wasn't expecting to celebrate. But he had eventually come in from work, thrown an envelope derisively down on the table, and said "That's for you". Inside were the deeds for a small hotel on the edge of the sea in a town no-one had heard of.

She cried that day. She had expected divorce papers. That was what she had bought for him.

So they had started over, in Hoshigo, just as Tamaki and I had once intended too. I had said nothing that day, just dried plates mechanically. Then again, I rarely spoke. They chattered away to me, however, and no-one really seemed to mind. They knew I was paying as much attention as I could.

Some days, I could hardly pay any attention at all, too lost in miasma of the past. I suppose I was still grieving and my mind had shut itself down for repairs. Some days I hardly seemed to look at them, but they would patiently call my name until I focused again. Some nights, quite often, most nights, I would cry. I would cry silently, but he always knew, somehow, Ayumu. And he was there. He always came in and sat down on the very edge of my bed. He never said a word, and he never touched me. He was just there.

On other days, there would be a letter for me. From Tamaki. I don't know how he found out where I was or what he wanted, but it hadn't mattered. I never read them. Matsuda-san would go and quietly put them aside and we'd go back to making food or washing dishes or sweeping floors. Some afternoons, between the lunch and dinner sessions, we would all go for a walk on the beach. We'd take off our shoes and walk barefoot, just where the tide licked at the shore. I would remember that the sea is always moving. Everything passes. I felt as if I had been frozen.

Friday nights at The Globe were everyone's favourite. It was karaoke night. Ayumu and Matsuda-san and even the quiet and reserved Minoru-san had been up there at one time or another. A lot of the locals came in for a laugh and a night out, to mix, to mingle. I would watch, silently. Sometimes well-meaning villagers would make a joke about unsticking my lips, but I would just smile. On the days when I could pay attention.

Tamaki had sent me letters. I heard nothing from my parents. I daresay it was a relief for them to finally be rid of the black sheep of the family.

There was one important thing of my time at The Globe. I did not dream of my phantom at all. I sometimes dreamt of the past, of Daisy and the child that had died inside me, but never of my brother or my phantom. They were gone. As I slowly began to realise, they had probably never existed at all.

And so it was, for about a year. I withdrew into my own world, and having come out of it, I cannot now remember what it was like. Everything was very still there, and very calm. Time was impartial, I could be anywhere within it. It was like watching the outside world through a window. I could see it happening, but it didn't directly involve me. I woke up that Sunday morning and found the glass had been removed. I breathed in the fresh air.

This was all so stunning for me, and so new, I lay for a moment, thinking about nothing in particular. Finally I rolled out of bed and went to the wardrobe to find some clothes. They were all still there, I suppose Tamaki must have sent them on. I wondered if I had some of his money too, but I supposed I would find out. Something about the clothes made me wrinkle my nose in distaste. Why was I still wearing long skirts and jumpers? I was a woman now. I wanted a pair of jeans. I wanted to feel denim on my skin. I vowed to buy some as soon as I could.

While I was showering and dressing, I remembered something of the night before, of the sudden and somehow peculiar circumstances of my abrupt awakening. I had been worse than ever, yesterday. Or it must have been a few days. But it had been spring, then, it must have been a good week or two or three since I had been able to pay any attention. I remembered the night before. I was sitting at one of the tables, staring into space, or the past. I had probably been there some time. The others had been in the kitchen, ready to turn in for the night. I had been asked several times if I was ready, with no response.

"The poor thing," Matsuda-san said, sorrowfully. "She must have suffered so much."

"We can do nothing more for her." Minoru-san had shook his head. "She needs more care than we can give her. We should show her to a doctor."

"No!" Ayumu said. "They'd just take her into a home and keep her on medication for the rest of her life. She's not that bad, not yet."

"Ayumu..." Matsuda-san had answered, gently. "Look at her. She needs professional help. I'll admit, I thought she was getting better, but..."

"Give her chance." He said. "You didn't see her, that day on the cliff. She had tried to kill herself, but she was so... alive. When she came round, she was... I believed her when she said she was free. She'll come back."

"I'm sure she will." Minoru-san had commented, quietly. "She just needs a little direction."

"And you think pills will do that better than her actually living a life? You read the letter Tamaki-kun sent us, you know what she went through."

"You call that living?" Minoru-san replied, gesturing at where I sat, vacant. I don't think they realised I could hear. At that point, neither did I.

"...I'll get her to bed." Matsuda-san had said. "We'll see what happens in the morning." With that, she had taken my arm, coaxed me upstairs, helped me to change. I think she thought I had left this cruel world behind for good. I had done mentally what Ayumu had stopped me doing bodily.

But it wasn't like that. It was resting, for the big push. Morning broke, and after a night of fleeting dreams, I was myself.

At last.

Having dressed, I ran from the room. Ayumu looked up at me as I reached the top of the stairs. He was there, laying out the breakfast things. On that day, we were without guests, but Matsuda-san insisted that the places still went out.

"Good morning." He smiled, slightly nervously. "You slept late today, Kotoko. How are you feeling?"

I felt a lump in my throat then, of gratitude for this kind and patient person, who had taken in a stranger and never given up on the girl who had been alive on the cliff. I swallowed.

"Ayumu..." I said, slowly. It was strange, to be out of practise at speaking. Words returned to me at last. "Good morning."

He broke into a huge smile, but seemed unable to say anything for a moment. "Welcome back." He said, at last.

"You were Caliban." I said, after a moment or two. "You were Caliban. You clung to the railings and wished me a good afternoon."

He frowned for a moment, trying to remember. Then he did. "The year we did the Tempest? That was a while back. Matsuda-san directs one every year, gives the tourists something to look at. Last year we did Romeo and Juliet, remember? I was Benvolio. You watched us every day, Kotoko."

I remembered.

I think I truly began my new life that day. For a year or more, I had been in a sort of limbo, stuck between the past and the present. There was still a tender spot, a bruise on my heart, about all that. But like an old bruise, it only hurt if I jabbed it. And I didn't intend to. At least, not too often. I would never forget, but I would remember occasionally.

That evening, I was walking in the village. It had been a strange day, feeling as if I was seeing everything for the first time, knowing I had seen it many times before. Ayumu had often taken me out on walks like this on the days when I couldn't see him. Matsuda-san thought the fresh air did me good. The evening service was beginning in the little church as I passed by. I don't know what possessed me, it if was the Holy Spirit guiding me, or if it was just my own feelings, but I went in, and sat down at the back. It was very peaceful, few people were there. I didn't really listen to the sermon either. I just closed my eyes, and thought of everything that had brought me to this point.

I heard shuffling beside me about half way through the service. It was Ayumu, of course. We sat quietly, and when the service was over and everyone else had left, I told him my story. Every last bit of it. When I was finished, and I feel silent, he smiled lopsidely at me, and said "Well, it's not finished yet. Come on, let's go see what happens next."

We walked from the Church together. We went every Sunday morning, after that, or sometimes at night.

Time passed, of course. It has a habit of doing that if we want it to or not. Considering some say humans are the only beings with any concept of time, you'd think it would put on a bit more of a show, but I suppose the world is a bit like that. I read all the backlog of Tamaki's letters. They were letters of friendship, mostly, asking how I was doing and if I was alright. I was most interested in the dates. They had grown less and less frequent. The most recent had been five and a half weeks before. I decided not to reply. I thought it was best if we let go. I worked in the bed and breakfast. When summer rolled round once again, I helped with Matsuda-san's theatre group. We did As you Like It, there on the beach, barefoot in the sand, with our backs to the sea. I loved every second. Every breath I took of that air was sacred.

One night, as summer was beginning to think of turning to Autumn, I went and stood by the salt-stained railings again, watching the sea and the sunset. All it touched was turned gold, or orange. Had I been a poet, I might have tried to express it. Instead, I watched. Ayumu came and stood beside me.

"You look happy."

"I am happy." I said. "I've been happy since I got here. I just haven't had much practise at looking like it."

He laughed, standing beside me. He looked happy too, and I said so.

"Yeah." He said. "I've had a little more practise than you, though. But I wasn't always like this."

"Oh?"

"...Let me tell you my story." He said, in the end. "You're the climax, after all."

So he told me, as we stood together and watched the waves in the restless sea, as the sun went down and the stars started to open their eyes. It seemed the Globe was a place that had caught all sorts of drifters, because he had been one too. Ayumu told me he had never seen much purpose in his life. He had wandered to the Globe one day and got a job. He had been intending to move on, but he hadn't. He had worked there the whole time, but still, he said, he didn't see the point. And then he had been up on the cliff. He had saved my life. And he thought, perhaps, if he saved that one life, perhaps he wasn't so worthless.

"I was just lucky you were up there." I said, lightly. A cold breeze was starting to come off the sea.

"...I haven't told you everything." He admitted. "Kotoko, don't you wonder _why _I was up there?"

"I am now." I answered.

"I was there for the same reason you were. I was going to throw myself off." He said. I must have looked shocked, because he continued. "Look, I should never have been here. My parents, they never wanted a kid, pretty much ignored me even as a baby. I should have starved to death. I would've done, but some salesman saw me on the floor in the corner. I always wondered why I hadn't died. When I saved you, I thought, maybe you were... well, what was it you told me once? My reason to be."

I couldn't help but stare. I wanted to laugh. After all that, after everything I'd been through, I'd found my reason. He was here, in front of me. My reason was another person after all. Perhaps everybody's reason was.

He kissed me that night, by the railings, with our backs to the sea. I was happier than ever. Maybe it was true love. Maybe it was because I had chosen him, for myself, by myself, and not answered to anyone. Maybe it was both.

As for Tamaki, I had one more letter from him, and saw him once more. The letter arrived one day, addressed to me, and I opened it. I had been at the Globe, then, for around three years. It was a wedding invitation, for Tamaki and Haruhi. I was happy for them, but I didn't think the ex-wife turning up at the wedding was the done thing. So I remembered a dream I had once had, and dealt with the invitation accordingly.

One afternoon, Ayumu and I were sitting at the top of the cliff, right on the edge, our legs hanging over the side. His hand was over mine, but we sat in silence. I had changed beyond recognition in the years since I had been with Tamaki. I was leaner, more tanned, there was a spark in my eyes, my hair was cut short. In summer, I wore shorts and a t-shirt and sandals. That day, however, it was winter. I wore more sensible clothes, but I still wore my sandals. I swung my legs back and forth in the sea breeze.

"Geez, you mad woman." Ayumu complained. "Aren't your feet cold?"

"Nope." I answered, and swung harder. The sandal flew from my foot, went in an arc, and fell into the ocean. I could see the splash. Ayumu laughed at me.

"Now what are you going to do?" He asked. By way of reply, I took off the other sandal, and threw it as hard as I could into the ocean. We laughed.

"Now what are you going to do?" I threw back at him.

"I'm going to kiss you stupid." He answered, and did so. Eventually, he stopped, and pulled back.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"You. You give me a dilemma." He pouted. "You're too beautiful. You make me want to do _extremely _immoral things to every inch of your beautiful body, but I can't because of your deeply engrained moral code that says none of that until marriage."

"It's yours too." I said, too lightly. "But in that case, I suppose there's only one thing to do. You'd better ask me."

"I can't." He complained. "You're a crazy bra-burning marriage-is-patriarchy throw-off-the-shackles-of-man feminist who would rather castrate me than-"

I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him until he fell on his back in the grass and made me stop in case we fell off the cliff. I think he got the message.

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes."

Ayumu and I lived our lives like that. We helped run the Globe. When we had saved up enough money, we went travelling for a few weeks, came back and worked a little more. We went to Thailand and Korea and Singapore and China, we visited the USA and Switzerland and France and Germany and England; we went to Kenya and Somalia, Australia. We went wherever we could. We did that even when both the Minos finally passed away and we inherited the Globe. One year, we met another couple, who stayed with us on holiday. They told us of their hard working lifestyle, how they had not had a holiday in a decade. We told them of ours, and we told them to think about it. They went home, but they soon came back. After that, the four of us ran it together. Sometimes all four of us, sometimes they went travelling and we took care of things, sometimes they did the same for us. We were happy.

I only saw Tamaki once more, some years after I had received the wedding invitation. It was completely by chance. It was a Friday, while Ayumu and I were still engaged, the karaoke nights were still going strong, and he had insisted on singing some embarrassing love song. I had slipped out into the coolness of the street, and saw a family coming out of the restaurant opposite. There was a woman with long brown hair, holding a child a year or two old. I could only see her back.

"Great." She said. "I forgot my bag. Hold onto him a moment." She handed the baby back to the father and went back inside. That was when I saw his face, and he saw mine.

"Kotoko!" He said, coming over to me. "Kotoko, is it really you?"

"You bet." I smiled. "It's been a while, Tamaki."

"A while?! Why didn't you reply to my letters?! I thought you must have moved somewhere else!"

"Never mind that," I said, reaching out to pat his son on the head. "Who is this little guy?"

"Oh, um... this is Takanouchi. My, um, son."

I smiled to show him there were no hard feelings. "I'm happy for you, Tamaki. Was that Haruhi, before? She's grown her hair."

"Yes." He said. "...You've cut yours."

"I needed a change."

"It's good."

"Definitely." I smiled again. "And what about you? How is work going?"

"Oh, well..." He hesitated, and then leapt into an explanation. "My father _still _hasn't retired so I'm _still _not doing much at present, especially, as, well, Haruhi wanted to get back to work after this little guy was born; so I'm mostly at home at the moment with him, doing paperwork too, of course."

I stared at him for a long moment, and then I couldn't help but laugh.

"Oh my goodness, you're a housewife!"

"I am not!" He said, hotly.

"Yes, you are! You're Haruhi's wife!"

I couldn't stop laughing. It was wonderful. I couldn't help but think how perfect it was for him.

"W-well, what about you?!" He demanded, slightly embarrassed. "How are you doing?"

I was beyond words now, too breathless with laughter at how things had worked out, so I just lifted my hand and showed him the cheap engagement ring Ayumu had bought for me when we were in Argos one day. His eyes lit up. Haruhi joined us just then, and Ayumu came out to look for me, and all sides were thoroughly quizzed. Just before we parted, Tamaki asked me one last question.

"Kotoko... was it you who sent my mother to my wedding?"

"No." I said, innocently.

"Thank you." He said, earnestly.

After that, there was the wedding to sort out. There was so much to do, booking the Church and catering and finding clothes and rings and bridesmaids and all the rest, yet we never seemed to get anything done. One day, we were hand in hand outside a bridal shop, looking at a dress. I couldn't help but think of my last white wedding and all the misery that had followed, so I turned and looked at Ayumu instead.

"All this... it's not really us, is it?" He asked, with a chuckle in his voice.

"No." I agreed in relief.

We were married that afternoon, in the registry office in the next town. Matsuda-san and Minoru-san were our witnesses. Minoru-san walked me up the ailse. We were all wearing jeans and old t-shirts. Matsuda-san's had a tea stain on from working in the café that morning. But it was definitely us. We piled into Minoru-san's old car and drove back to Hoshigo. We went to the beach and walked barefoot in the sand. And then we ran, fully clothed, into the ocean, in the middle of winter. We ran together, the four of us hand-in-hand, towards that endless ocean, with our backs to the beach.

I cannot say for certain what the meaning of my life is, what all this was for, or why I took the route I did to get there. I'm not even sure I've found my purpose. I'm not sure that it is even there to be found. My suffering had given me a permanent stain, but while we can never fully escape the past, the future is as open and as endless as the sea. If I had realised that sooner, I would have lived a better life and known less sorrow. But I was happy. That day that we stood fully clothed in the ocean, I was happy.

Reason or not, that's enough; at least for me.

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A/N: And so, we reach the end. That was really more of an epilogue than anything; and I'm guessing some people won't like that ending for one reason or another, especially as it doesn't really match up with the mood of the rest of the story. But yeah, I'm a sucker for a happy ending. XD Or happy-ish, in this case. She's finally chosen something- someone- for herself, after all. You could say Godot has arrived? Haha, yes, that's why I chose to use the quotes- Kotoko seemed to be having a little bit of an existential crisis at times, but unlike the play, in the end, I guess she worked it out. So it's an anti-_Waiting for Godot_. Or something. If we're honest, it's a _fanfic_, and nothing more noble than that!

Okay then. For the last time, I guess it's time to say thanks a lot for reading. If you liked it or hated it, I guess you got to the end or you wouldn't be reading this. So yes, thanks :D. This was my first major story written in the first person, and when it was done, it took ages to shake Kotoko's voice off. What I'm saying is, it was special to me, in some stupid way. XD Thanks for sharing in that, or something!


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